High Needs Daughters: An introduction

We are blessed, beyond words, to have a sweet baby girl. L has brought so much sunshine and joy to every day since she arrived. I did not know this level of joy existed before her. She is happy, bright, social, and talkative. She is a joy to be around 99% of the time. And, just to clarify, high needs is not special needs. To put it quite simply, you know all those needs a baby has? Food/nursing, holding, attention, etc? A high needs baby just needs them very demandingly.

That said, motherhood came with a much higher level of parenting needed than I ever expected for a baby. I haven't told this whole story to anyone other than Nigel, and it would have been easier to tell had I been doing it all along. However, I did not want to put it off anymore because I have a need to tell it, hoping to finally find some healing and maybe help out other new or soon-to-be moms.

Let's start at the beginning. I have not posted my birth story here either, so I will do that as a part of this series. The birth did not go as peacefully as I had hoped. I should have known better, with all my instincts, than to have Lilyana in a hospital for what I was hoping would be a natural childbirth. Not just natural as in vaginal delivery, but 100% natural: no drugs, epidurals, unnecessary monitoring, no separation from me, no bottles. In a hospital, a birthing mother is at the mercy of her care team: nurses, doctor, and doctors on duty, and their procedures and protocols. You better have chosen a doctor you trust, because for us, that is the main thing that saved us from a c-section. I had chosen a doctor that I both knew personally and who came highly recommended in our area. I knew if things did not go as we hoped, that I could trust the outcome because ultimately he does not push c-sections as quickly as most doctors these days and he truly had our well-being at heart.

Why do I mention this? I believe some of the stress and hurdles we faced in L's first couple weeks are directly related to the difficulty we had in getting breastfeeding started, which I believe is directly related to the interventions that happened while I was in labor. In hindsight, I am very, very trusting and at the time was still too naive to believe that we could have a completely natural childbirth in a hospital, especially a hospital with a Level 4 NICU that is so accustomed to high-risk and difficult births. It also has a high c-section rate at 27.9%, which is typical in the U.S. That said, the care team and support I had there was exceptional after what I went through with the labor and delivery.

L, as it turns out, can be perfectly described as a high needs baby by the description found here at the Dr. Sears website. I will get into specifics about how I've witnessed this in L later, as she has really fit all 12 points he describes in that post. It was impossible to know this about her prior to birth, which is why I believe the traumas surrounding it were all the more harmful to her.

Coming up in the rest of my posts in this series, I will talk more specifically about the events surrounding her birth, my personal concern over the rising c-section rate and why it's happening, how I discovered what a high needs child is, trials we've endured in this process, and things I've learned that may help others. I have been labeled a "chronic researcher" by some friends who know me well. I've read a lot, and learned a lot. The story will take long to tell, but it is my fervent prayer that it may help another mom. At the very least, I hope it causes more moms-to-be to become better-informed about pregnancy, labor and delivery, and mothering a high needs child.

Life 2011

Wow, has it really been over a year that I've completely neglected this blog?!? That shows what life with a high needs daughter is like. More about that in another post. L was born September 25, 2010. Here's a pic from that day, one of my faves of her:

She is a happy girl, very curious, and brings us so much joy. I cannot remember what life was like before she was in it, and I wouldn't want to go back to that anyway.

I want to do a few posts on parenting, things I've learned and am still learning, and how my faith affects my being a mom. They are coming soon, but for now, here is a recent pic of L, showing off some of her personality:

This also shows why blogging is difficult. She can perfectly reach the caps lock key on the left and enter on the right, so I do a lot of editing and retyping. More to come from this mom soon!

Day 2: 31 Ways to Praise

The Only God. "God, I praise You because You are 'the Lord, and there is no other; apart from You there is no God' " (Isaiah 45:5)

There is only one God, and He is worthy of our praise each day. I am so happy to know that truth exists and comforted by the fact that the God I love and know is the one true God.

Today, I am praising Him for His amazing provision - an anonymous gift card we received in the mail. That's the 2nd anonymous $100 gift card in a month. What a blessing during this financially trying time for Nigel and I. It shows us God is providing through His people, and we have another couple weeks where our grocery money doesn't have to come out of savings. God is faithful, He will provide, and He cares, deeply, about His children. What a blessed thought!

Day 1: 31 Ways to Praise

A few years back I was given a prayer card entitled "31 Ways to Praise". It's a beautiful tool put out by Pray! Magazine. You can get your own prayer cards through the website including this package that includes the card I have. I am in desperate need of refocusing my prayer life right now, and am using this tool, and this blog, to help me for the next 31 (or so) days.

I love this prayer card. God deserves our praise, every day, because He is worthy. We may feel distraught while we go through a trial, upset at the unfair circumstances of our lives, distracted by our everyday tasks, or ecstatic at all the blessings we have. Yet He deserves our praise, just for who He is. This card includes a small prayer for each day of a month (yes, I'm starting in the middle of a month but I know I need to start it now), and a Bible reference for the attribute of God listed.

I've been having a hard time the past week or so. Nigel's unemployment checks abruptly stopped. My income is short, as it is summer and my piano students are on vacation for much of it. I am going through the nesting phase of pregnancy, yet we don't know if we will even be able to stay in our apartment past July. I am wondering about my ability to be a parent, and making decisions about the labor/delivery, vaccinations, and all kinds of other things to prepare for our little girl. Not to mention the raging hormones that greatly affect me periodically. Last week, I gave in to almost despair, as I worried and fretted and cried out to God over it all. It was a rough week.

Sunday morning, one of our worship songs at church was "Blessed Be Your Name." It is such a profound song. I found myself humbled, praising God and blessing His name even though I feel now like I am on a road of difficulty. The song is about blessing God despite our feelings and circumstances. I came out of the service renewed, refreshed, and knowing that praising God needed to be at the forefront of my mind. I often need that reminder. Don't we all?

Day 1: God the Creator. "Creator God, I praise You because 'You made the heavens, even the highest heavens, and all their starry host, the earth and all that is on it, the seas and all that is in them. You give life to everything, and the multitudes of heaven worship You' " (Nehemiah 9:6).

God created me, a miracle, and my birth mother allowed me to be born and gave me up for adoption to an amazing family in South Dakota. He created Nigel, a miracle, and he grew up in a large family in Pakistan. God brought us together in California in 2006, and through another miracle has

given us a baby, who He also created. I am in awe. I cannot fathom this life growing inside of me and all her intricacies. I cannot wait to meet her and see who God has created her to be.

None of us were accidents, none of us were unplanned, for God knew us before we were born, in our mother's wombs.

"For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb." (Psalm 139:13)

Amazing. Blessed be Your name Father, for You are Creator of all things, including me.

My very exciting birthday gift

When I went in a few months back to schedule my 20 week ultrasound at the John Muir Women's Health Center, I already knew they were going to tell me my 20th week was the week of my birthday. They asked if I had a preference of day, and I chose my birthday because we had decided we wanted to find out if we were having a boy or a girl.

We have been overjoyed since finding out we are expecting. We are so excited God would give us this miracle baby. And though we'd be excited with a son or a daughter, we both have really wanted to have a girl first.

As soon as we got in the exam room, I told the technician that we wanted her to determine the baby's gender but not tell us. I asked her to write it down and seal it in an envelope for us. Another treat, later in the day, would tell us the news.

The ultrasound itself on my birthday was exciting enough. They had it projected on a big screen so Nigel could see, too. It's so neat to see the little one moving around and see the heartbeat and know there's a life growing inside me. At that point, I wasn't feeling the baby move much yet - little flutters is all. The technician was doing a lot of measuring and checking of the baby's features, so it was a longer ultrasound.

As for determining the gender, and quite a few other measurements, the baby was not cooperating at all. The baby's legs were closed tight! When I later relayed the news to my grandma, she said the baby was just already learning how to be modest. How sweet! The technician left the room to call in the perinatologist to see if she would have any better luck with the gender and measurements.

After the tech left the room, I silently prayed for God to prompt this little one to move and cooperate for the doctor. I didn't know it, but Nigel prayed the same thing then. The doctor came into the room and was excited to see that the baby had moved! She asked us to look away as she looked, and I heard the tech say "Yeah, that's what I thought too" and she said they were done. The tech wrote down the gender, the doctor said all was well, and we left.

We went downstairs to the front desk of the Center and talked to the receptionist. We asked if she would do us a favor. You see, I had arranged with Katrina Rozelle in Alamo to make me a yummy birthday cake. I let them know someone would be calling with the gender of our baby, and to then write on the cake "Happy Birthday, It's a ____". The receptionist was tickled to be let in on our secret.

We went then to the baker to pick up the cake. They were also excited to be in on such a neat secret. They said they'd never been asked to do anything like that before. They tied ribbon around the box and handed it to me. Here is the cake, along with a sweet figurine called "Expecting a Miracle" that Dad and Donni gave me as a birthday gift.

We took the cake home and Nigel and I spent a while in prayer for the pregnancy and most of all for the baby. It was a sweet time for us. All the while, the anticipation was building. We were so excited to find out. Nigel decided to take pictures as I opened the cake. I was excited, but had myself set up for it to possibly be a boy even though we so much want it to be a girl.

I think the next picture tells you what the cake said, without me even saying it...

Here is the beautiful cake. It was yummy too - an almond cake with raspberry filling. Besides our wedding cake, my favorite cake ever.

We are so thrilled to be having a girl!! Wow, God is so amazingly good to us. What a gift, on top of the miracle she already is.

Me at 20 weeks, the first picture I've braved of the belly. I actually like how it turned out. My sweet hubby is getting really good at taking pictures of me.

We then headed out to a yummy Italian restaurant in Berkeley, Riva Cucina, to celebrate. Italian is my favorite, not Nigel's at all, so we have a tradition to go to Italian on my birthday. What a wonderful, memorable, sweet birthday this was in 2010. I will cherish it in my heart forever.

New design, renewed inspiration

I finally have a new blog design, yay! And it looks like it's doing what it's supposed to. I was having a lot of trouble with my former design, so here's to a fresh start for all the posts I have in my head to write.

Our miracle baby

This is the story of how we found out we were pregnant, along with a little of the background into our infertility diagnosis a couple years ago. We are still amazed at how God is working in us and this situation - truly a miracle on multiple levels.

January 29, 2010

Nigel and I were attending the Northern California Prayer Summit in Concord, CA the weekend of January 28 - 30. Daniel Henderson and Alice Moss were leading it. It was an amazing three days of worship and prayer and seeking God’s face with others. Friday, the 2nd day, was quite an amazing day for me/us. At the first large group session that morning, Daniel read Psalm 113. The last verse says:

Psalm 113:9 He makes the barren woman abide in the house as a joyful mother of children.

Praise the LORD!

I knew as soon as he quit reading it that it was a message for me from God. Yet I wondered why now?

The background story

We had tried unsuccessfully for a year to get pregnant, only to go through infertility testing and be told that our chances of conceiving naturally were pretty small. When my doctor gave us the results, he shared that he felt our best chance for success would be in vitro, even though we had told him that wasn’t an option for us. I responded with something along the lines of: “You and I both know who the Creator of life is. It’s not doctors or scientists in a lab – only God can create a life. You’re not saying our chances are zero, though even that wouldn’t be too much for God to overcome. When it’s His timing for us to have a baby we will. Risking upward of $20,000 on IVF, if now is not God’s timing, won’t get us pregnant. And that’s a risk we don't want to and can't afford to take.”

We let go of the idea of getting pregnant at that point. We left it in God’s hands, firmly believing if that’s how He wanted to give us a child then He would make it happen for us. Otherwise, He would bring us a child through adoption. At this point, a year and a half had passed since that diagnosis.

More confirmation

I had realized earlier on the morning of Jan. 29^th that I might be late. I'd been so busy that I hadn't noticed. Yet I refused to believe I might be pregnant – I didn’t want to get my hopes up yet again only to be severely disappointed.

Well, God wanted me to know that He was serious, so He made it VERY clear what He was trying to say to me. We headed off to our small groups, men with men and women with women. As I sat there, knowing God had something to do in me in that time, I felt overwhelmed and knew the Holy Spirit would prompt me when the time was right.

An hour or so later, toward the end of our small group time, Alice was about to pray for a woman for fear and anxiety in her life. She felt there might be someone else who needed prayer for that, and I literally jumped from my chair and said, "That's me!" Weird. I never do things like that. Apparently this is what God wanted me to see.

So I went over and prayed for the woman, who then got up and prayed for me. At the same time, I was wondering what, exactly, my fear was. I was prayed for, and then I went back and sat down. I realized as I sat back down in my chair that mostly it was a fear of never being able to get pregnant, and then also a fear of being pregnant (mostly doctors and hospitals in general). Yet I shared that with no one.

A few minutes later, as the session was winding down, I was pondering my lack of faith through fear in general and specifically related to getting pregnant. A sweet woman, who I’ve never talked to before, walked over to me and told me she had a word from the Lord for me. She said to me, "The Lord wants to tell you that He will birth in you that which you are afraid He won't birth in you." I started shaking and crying, wondering if it meant what I thought it meant, and as if to confirm, she asked, "You've been trying to get pregnant, haven't you?" WOW!!!! Ok God, you've REALLY got my attention now.

Nigel and I talked just after this before lunch. We both got really excited, but then out of fear of it not being real decided to contain our excitement until we knew “for sure”. Meaning, I’d take a pregnancy test after the summit ended.

Just to make sure I'd heard Him, Psalm 113 was read AGAIN that night in the last large group session, by a different man. God just kept reaffirming what my heart already knew, even though I couldn’t believe it.

January 30

We headed back to the summit the next morning, full of faith and wondering what was in store for us. I had calculated and figured I was about two weeks late. Two whole weeks! That has never happened before.

In the women's group we had a sweet, sweet time of basking in Jesus' love for us. As I was kneeling in the silence with my eyes closed, I had a vision of Jesus behind me, and then He put His arms around me and told me, "I love you and you WILL bear a child. I will give you a child." All right, I believe it now even more.

I love how God knew so well my heart and my fears and that He loved me enough to make it abundantly clear that I would bear a child. It still remained to be seen if it would be now. In my flesh, anyway, I still doubted it.

After the summit ended that afternoon, we stopped at CVS for a pregnancy test. This time, I bought the test that actually says "pregnant" or "not pregnant." I really already knew the answer, so wanted the fun readout on the test.

January 31

I awoke at 2:30 am for a trip to the bathroom. I decided to do the test. The results, said to take 3 minutes, showed up in about 10-20 seconds. I"M PREGNANT!!!!! I already knew in my heart that I was, but there was the confirmation, right on the little test!

I went back to bed, bumping my knee on the end of the bed and startling Nigel. I turned on the light before crawling into bed, a very strange thing for me to do. He knew something was up. I played it off, pretending to be sad/indifferent. He thought I was going to say the test was negative. When I said, "I'm pregnant" he started giggling like a little kid!

We laid awake until 4:30 am dreaming about what is ahead, in awe at the miracle already growing inside me. No wonder I'd felt weird the last couple weeks. We wondered whether it's a boy or girl. We kind of hope it's a girl, but want a healthy baby regardless.

We got up at 6:45 to get ready for church. Short night of sleep!!! But I was on cloud nine, for sure! As we were rehearsing and worshipping, I just felt this immense sense of joy and excitement and gratefulness to God for this blessing.

It is a miracle, a perfect example of His perfect love for us, and a demonstration of how waiting on His timing is the best thing we can do. The baby is expected at the end of September or beginning of October, and we know God will provide despite Nigel getting laid off. How God can love us this much really blows me away, and He deserves all the glory for this miracle in our lives.

A song I came across recently says it better than I can. Music has always been a strong form of expression for me, and this one is great – words from “What Faith Can Do” by Kutless:

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn’t ever end even when the sky is falling

I’ve seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard

Impossible is not a word

It’s just a reason for someone not to try

Everybody’s scared to death when they decide to take that step

Out on the water it’ll be all right

Life is so much more than what your eyes are seeing

You will find your way if you keep believing

Overcome the odds when you don’t have a chance

When the world says you can’t, it’ll tell you that you can

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.