High Needs Daughters: An introduction

We are blessed, beyond words, to have a sweet baby girl. L has brought so much sunshine and joy to every day since she arrived. I did not know this level of joy existed before her. She is happy, bright, social, and talkative. She is a joy to be around 99% of the time. And, just to clarify, high needs is not special needs. To put it quite simply, you know all those needs a baby has? Food/nursing, holding, attention, etc? A high needs baby just needs them very demandingly.

That said, motherhood came with a much higher level of parenting needed than I ever expected for a baby. I haven't told this whole story to anyone other than Nigel, and it would have been easier to tell had I been doing it all along. However, I did not want to put it off anymore because I have a need to tell it, hoping to finally find some healing and maybe help out other new or soon-to-be moms.

Let's start at the beginning. I have not posted my birth story here either, so I will do that as a part of this series. The birth did not go as peacefully as I had hoped. I should have known better, with all my instincts, than to have Lilyana in a hospital for what I was hoping would be a natural childbirth. Not just natural as in vaginal delivery, but 100% natural: no drugs, epidurals, unnecessary monitoring, no separation from me, no bottles. In a hospital, a birthing mother is at the mercy of her care team: nurses, doctor, and doctors on duty, and their procedures and protocols. You better have chosen a doctor you trust, because for us, that is the main thing that saved us from a c-section. I had chosen a doctor that I both knew personally and who came highly recommended in our area. I knew if things did not go as we hoped, that I could trust the outcome because ultimately he does not push c-sections as quickly as most doctors these days and he truly had our well-being at heart.

Why do I mention this? I believe some of the stress and hurdles we faced in L's first couple weeks are directly related to the difficulty we had in getting breastfeeding started, which I believe is directly related to the interventions that happened while I was in labor. In hindsight, I am very, very trusting and at the time was still too naive to believe that we could have a completely natural childbirth in a hospital, especially a hospital with a Level 4 NICU that is so accustomed to high-risk and difficult births. It also has a high c-section rate at 27.9%, which is typical in the U.S. That said, the care team and support I had there was exceptional after what I went through with the labor and delivery.

L, as it turns out, can be perfectly described as a high needs baby by the description found here at the Dr. Sears website. I will get into specifics about how I've witnessed this in L later, as she has really fit all 12 points he describes in that post. It was impossible to know this about her prior to birth, which is why I believe the traumas surrounding it were all the more harmful to her.

Coming up in the rest of my posts in this series, I will talk more specifically about the events surrounding her birth, my personal concern over the rising c-section rate and why it's happening, how I discovered what a high needs child is, trials we've endured in this process, and things I've learned that may help others. I have been labeled a "chronic researcher" by some friends who know me well. I've read a lot, and learned a lot. The story will take long to tell, but it is my fervent prayer that it may help another mom. At the very least, I hope it causes more moms-to-be to become better-informed about pregnancy, labor and delivery, and mothering a high needs child.

Day 2: 31 Ways to Praise

The Only God. "God, I praise You because You are 'the Lord, and there is no other; apart from You there is no God' " (Isaiah 45:5)

There is only one God, and He is worthy of our praise each day. I am so happy to know that truth exists and comforted by the fact that the God I love and know is the one true God.

Today, I am praising Him for His amazing provision - an anonymous gift card we received in the mail. That's the 2nd anonymous $100 gift card in a month. What a blessing during this financially trying time for Nigel and I. It shows us God is providing through His people, and we have another couple weeks where our grocery money doesn't have to come out of savings. God is faithful, He will provide, and He cares, deeply, about His children. What a blessed thought!

Our miracle baby

This is the story of how we found out we were pregnant, along with a little of the background into our infertility diagnosis a couple years ago. We are still amazed at how God is working in us and this situation - truly a miracle on multiple levels.

January 29, 2010

Nigel and I were attending the Northern California Prayer Summit in Concord, CA the weekend of January 28 - 30. Daniel Henderson and Alice Moss were leading it. It was an amazing three days of worship and prayer and seeking God’s face with others. Friday, the 2nd day, was quite an amazing day for me/us. At the first large group session that morning, Daniel read Psalm 113. The last verse says:

Psalm 113:9 He makes the barren woman abide in the house as a joyful mother of children.

Praise the LORD!

I knew as soon as he quit reading it that it was a message for me from God. Yet I wondered why now?

The background story

We had tried unsuccessfully for a year to get pregnant, only to go through infertility testing and be told that our chances of conceiving naturally were pretty small. When my doctor gave us the results, he shared that he felt our best chance for success would be in vitro, even though we had told him that wasn’t an option for us. I responded with something along the lines of: “You and I both know who the Creator of life is. It’s not doctors or scientists in a lab – only God can create a life. You’re not saying our chances are zero, though even that wouldn’t be too much for God to overcome. When it’s His timing for us to have a baby we will. Risking upward of $20,000 on IVF, if now is not God’s timing, won’t get us pregnant. And that’s a risk we don't want to and can't afford to take.”

We let go of the idea of getting pregnant at that point. We left it in God’s hands, firmly believing if that’s how He wanted to give us a child then He would make it happen for us. Otherwise, He would bring us a child through adoption. At this point, a year and a half had passed since that diagnosis.

More confirmation

I had realized earlier on the morning of Jan. 29^th that I might be late. I'd been so busy that I hadn't noticed. Yet I refused to believe I might be pregnant – I didn’t want to get my hopes up yet again only to be severely disappointed.

Well, God wanted me to know that He was serious, so He made it VERY clear what He was trying to say to me. We headed off to our small groups, men with men and women with women. As I sat there, knowing God had something to do in me in that time, I felt overwhelmed and knew the Holy Spirit would prompt me when the time was right.

An hour or so later, toward the end of our small group time, Alice was about to pray for a woman for fear and anxiety in her life. She felt there might be someone else who needed prayer for that, and I literally jumped from my chair and said, "That's me!" Weird. I never do things like that. Apparently this is what God wanted me to see.

So I went over and prayed for the woman, who then got up and prayed for me. At the same time, I was wondering what, exactly, my fear was. I was prayed for, and then I went back and sat down. I realized as I sat back down in my chair that mostly it was a fear of never being able to get pregnant, and then also a fear of being pregnant (mostly doctors and hospitals in general). Yet I shared that with no one.

A few minutes later, as the session was winding down, I was pondering my lack of faith through fear in general and specifically related to getting pregnant. A sweet woman, who I’ve never talked to before, walked over to me and told me she had a word from the Lord for me. She said to me, "The Lord wants to tell you that He will birth in you that which you are afraid He won't birth in you." I started shaking and crying, wondering if it meant what I thought it meant, and as if to confirm, she asked, "You've been trying to get pregnant, haven't you?" WOW!!!! Ok God, you've REALLY got my attention now.

Nigel and I talked just after this before lunch. We both got really excited, but then out of fear of it not being real decided to contain our excitement until we knew “for sure”. Meaning, I’d take a pregnancy test after the summit ended.

Just to make sure I'd heard Him, Psalm 113 was read AGAIN that night in the last large group session, by a different man. God just kept reaffirming what my heart already knew, even though I couldn’t believe it.

January 30

We headed back to the summit the next morning, full of faith and wondering what was in store for us. I had calculated and figured I was about two weeks late. Two whole weeks! That has never happened before.

In the women's group we had a sweet, sweet time of basking in Jesus' love for us. As I was kneeling in the silence with my eyes closed, I had a vision of Jesus behind me, and then He put His arms around me and told me, "I love you and you WILL bear a child. I will give you a child." All right, I believe it now even more.

I love how God knew so well my heart and my fears and that He loved me enough to make it abundantly clear that I would bear a child. It still remained to be seen if it would be now. In my flesh, anyway, I still doubted it.

After the summit ended that afternoon, we stopped at CVS for a pregnancy test. This time, I bought the test that actually says "pregnant" or "not pregnant." I really already knew the answer, so wanted the fun readout on the test.

January 31

I awoke at 2:30 am for a trip to the bathroom. I decided to do the test. The results, said to take 3 minutes, showed up in about 10-20 seconds. I"M PREGNANT!!!!! I already knew in my heart that I was, but there was the confirmation, right on the little test!

I went back to bed, bumping my knee on the end of the bed and startling Nigel. I turned on the light before crawling into bed, a very strange thing for me to do. He knew something was up. I played it off, pretending to be sad/indifferent. He thought I was going to say the test was negative. When I said, "I'm pregnant" he started giggling like a little kid!

We laid awake until 4:30 am dreaming about what is ahead, in awe at the miracle already growing inside me. No wonder I'd felt weird the last couple weeks. We wondered whether it's a boy or girl. We kind of hope it's a girl, but want a healthy baby regardless.

We got up at 6:45 to get ready for church. Short night of sleep!!! But I was on cloud nine, for sure! As we were rehearsing and worshipping, I just felt this immense sense of joy and excitement and gratefulness to God for this blessing.

It is a miracle, a perfect example of His perfect love for us, and a demonstration of how waiting on His timing is the best thing we can do. The baby is expected at the end of September or beginning of October, and we know God will provide despite Nigel getting laid off. How God can love us this much really blows me away, and He deserves all the glory for this miracle in our lives.

A song I came across recently says it better than I can. Music has always been a strong form of expression for me, and this one is great – words from “What Faith Can Do” by Kutless:

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn’t ever end even when the sky is falling

I’ve seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard

Impossible is not a word

It’s just a reason for someone not to try

Everybody’s scared to death when they decide to take that step

Out on the water it’ll be all right

Life is so much more than what your eyes are seeing

You will find your way if you keep believing

Overcome the odds when you don’t have a chance

When the world says you can’t, it’ll tell you that you can

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.

Our God-written love story

I've been asked a lot again lately about how Nigel and I met (it was 3 years ago today). I looked back through my archives and realized I never posted the story! So here it is, our fabulous love story.

The Preface

Both Nigel and I had patiently, and sometimes not-so-patiently, been waiting for God to bring that special person into our lives to share our journey with.

Both of us, at the urging of friends, created Yahoo! Personals profiles. I created mine quite a few years ago when my roommate Lindsay recommended it after meeting her husband on it. Nigel created his only days before our story begins. However, neither of us had paid memberships, which meant we could browse through profiles but not actually communicate with anyone we found. And I hadn't logged on in a very long time because of this, and hadn't really updated my profile much either.

God at Work in 2006

One night Nigel had a couple of his guy friends over for dinner at his apartment. After dinner, two of them decided to log onto Yahoo! and browse some of the profiles for fun. For those of you who aren't familiar with these types of sites, I'll give you a bit of info to help you out. Usually, you can browse people by age, geographic location, and sometimes other things. Yahoo! allows much more detailed searches: within a certain radius of a zip code, particular height, weight, hair color, smoker/non-smoker, Christian/non-Christian, likes, income, and many other search criteria. On this night, Nigel entered the geographic region near him, and found my profile.

The picture I had posted was of me working at Starbucks in Minnesota a couple years ago. He read and was intrigued by the profile, saw I lived in Danville and worked in youth ministry, and called to his friend Joel in the other room: "Hey Joel, this girl works at a church in Danville - do you happen to know her?" As it turns out, Joel was a volunteer in the youth ministry I was working with at CPC in Danville. Coincidence that he was there that night? Nope. Neither Nigel nor I believe in coincidences. In fact we call them God-incidences.

Joel came in the room and peered over Nigel's shoulder and said, loudly in Nigel's ear: "That's Jackie Schaunaman!!!" So Nigel asked Joel if he thought I would give him my e-mail address so we could write to each other.

Another God-incidence occurred the very next morning. I happened to be walking from my house near the church to the youth office at the church to pick something up when I ran into Joel. On a Saturday morning! He was there for a random reason as well, and mentioned Nigel and what had transpired the night before. I said I wouldn't mind Nigel writing to me and gave him my e-mail address. After all, it wouldn't hurt anything, right? And I had nothing to lose by it.

Due to a death in Nigel's family, however, he actually didn't get to writing until he thought about it on Valentine's Day. So he sent off an e-mail, only to have it returned because Joel had gotten the address wrong. On February 15, I did finally get an e-mail from Nigel, and over the next couple days we exchanged a few more.

The Meeting

Nigel had been planning a dinner at his house for Friday the 17th and had invited some friends over, including Joel. He decided to invite me, but due to a commitment to a couple students I was staying with for the weekend, I had to say maybe depending on their schedules.

As Friday came, both the kids ended up with plans for the evening, so I called Joel to see what he thought about my going to the party and to confirm he would be there. He had actually decided not to go until I said I wouldn't go unless he did. So he sacrificed his other plans and went, and I called Nigel to let him know I would be there and to get directions.

I was nervous - after all, I was taking yet another risk. Plus, I had no idea what Nigel looked like, what he did for a living, or how old he was. But I decided the risk was worth it. After getting lost due to bad directions (he, he, he!) I finally made it and Joel came down to walk me up. Nigel didn't come to the door, because as it turns out he was too nervous about how the evening would go. We did say hello and he gave me a hug, and I immediately felt comfortable with him.

At the end of the night, the other guests left one by one until I was the only one left. I debated leaving, not sure how I felt about being in this man's apartment who I hadn't met before, but somehow I knew I could trust him. And I was eager to get to know more about him and share stories. It went well, and he talked to me for my whole drive home.

Nigel decided to wait a bit to call me, unsure of what to do next. Well, I took the guesswork out of it and called him the next day to see if he would like to watch a movie with me and a couple friends. He had plans, but we talked for a while and made plans for him to come to church with me the next day. Church turned into an entire day together, including a junior high soccer game, Transparency (a young adult ministry at Cornerstone that I was attending), coffee, and dinner at a Thai restaurant. The rest is history, as we've been together since!

Dating

Nigel and I quickly learned that while we are from different cultures and have eleven years between us, at the core we are more alike than we ever thought possible.

We have both commented on how the other is not at all what we thought our husband/wife would be like. It's funny how when we pray for something particular God brings us something even better than we could imagine. We knew right away that this relationship was different and that we finally had found what we had been waiting for.

We also discovered that the San Francisco Bay Area, especially the city itself, is a very romantic place to live and an even more romantic place to be in love. There are so many wonderful things to do here, and we love it!

The Proposal

Nigel and I knew rather quickly (within a couple months) that we would eventually marry, so I knew a proposal was coming. Actually, I told him he had to wait until we had been together at least three months. Not sure quite why I chose three. That would put the date for him to propose somewhere in May, since I knew he wouldn't wait any longer than that. And since we picked out the ring together in April, I knew it was coming.

May would bring him three prime days for proposing: my birthday is May 11, our 3rd dating "monthiversary" was May 17, and his birthday is May 18. Knowing the romantic he is, I suspected he would pick one of them. However, he did a great job in catching me by surprise (and I am hard to surprise).

He had asked me to keep the mornings of our birthdays open so we could go up to San Damiano to pray before the days started. San Damiano is a Benedictine retreat on a mountain above Danville, overlooking the entire valley. It's a beautiful place, quiet and lush, where I always feel God's close presence.

On my birthday, Nigel picked me up at my house at 8:30 am to take me to Peet's for coffee before heading up there. When I got in his car, it smelled like food. I asked him about it, and he said the reason he'd been a bit late is because his mom had asked him to pick up some food and bring it over before he headed out for the day. That was a reasonable answer, and I had no reason to question it.

We got to Peet's, and as we were standing in line I noticed Nigel had a funny look on his face. It looked like he was sick, actually. I asked him about it and he agreed that he'd woken up not feeling 100%. Ok. Also reasonable. Yet I was starting to suspect something was up.

When we got to the top of San Damiano and parked the car, he opened the door and asked me to go ahead to our spot and he'd be behind me in a minute. I knew then that something was up, but it was my birthday after all.

I got to the deck overlooking the valley where we always go to pray and he arrived shortly after, arms loaded with food and gifts. It was then I realized he had made up the story about his mom needing food! He handed me the gifts and told me to start opening them.

Honestly, I still can't remember what they all were, except for something lavender scented (my fave) and a beautiful white antique-looking photo box. Because after I finished, and thanked him, he asked if I liked them. I said yes, and he stuck his hand in his pocket and said, "Well, now for the grand finale." I gasped, lost my breath, and started crying as he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. Of course I said yes! He had even brought orange juice in an empty wine bottle to celebrate, breakfast style! He also had pancakes (my favorite), eggs benedict, toast, and potatoes O'brien, all from Fature Nature's, a great little restaurant in Danville.

As I tried to compose myself, happy and shaking, I called my dad to tell him the news. He was excited and very happy for us, as was Donni, and as I put Nigel on the phone he pointed up behind me. I gave him the phone and turned around, only to see Deana, Bill, and Jen walking by (who also work in the youth ministry at CPC). It turns out they were having a meeting up there, and got to be the first to see us after getting engaged!

The rest of the day was amazing. I got to tell my women's ministry small group about a half hour later at our end-of-the-year brunch, and as they were all gushing over me I was given the microphone and asked by the MC to tell the story to the whole room!

Then I went downstairs to my desk where flowers were awaiting me (it was my birthday, you know!) and told the story some more. Then on to a Giants game in San Francisco with GREAT seats.

After the game we stopped by Nigel's mom's house to tell them, then He surprised me with dinner at Il Fornaio, a fancy Italian restaurant that I had been wanting to go to for months. After they gave us each a free glass of champagne to celebrate, it was on to another surprise--Nigel had bought tickets to the musical Beauty and the Beast at the theater just down the street, with seats in the 3rd row! It was an amazing show, too.

So by the end of the day, I was exhausted yet definitely felt like a princess who had been swept off her feet by her knight in shining armor. I will never forget it.

We had already talked about our dream wedding and knew it would be at a vineyard in California, as we had both always wanted an outdoor wedding. We set the date for October 8th, 2006.

The hottest topic in CA these days: Part 1

I know it's been a really long time since I posted anything here. Part of it is Facebook, and the fact that I keep in touch with so many of you there. Yet sometimes, I need to write something that's much longer and more important.

I've been debating for a while whether I wanted to write this post or not. I know it might bring very bad things my way. But a very brave friend wrote a very brave message and has inspired me to do the same. And this is my blog, where I can speak my feelings on something and hope that God's truth is the only thing that shines through. So I will take the risk.

I know that many of you who read this are not from California. Though I also know you've probably all heard about the 4 rogue judges who legalized gay marriage this past spring. Well, on the ballot in November is Proposition 8. Here is the text of the Proposition, exactly as it will appear on the ballot:

"Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid and recognized in California."

That's it. It's good and bad. If you show up at the polls and haven't done your research, this may look discriminatory to some (especially here in the Bay Area). And of course, that's what those who oppose it are saying. However, it's not the truth, and there is a lot being left unsaid. A yes vote on Prop. 8, according to http://www.protectmarriage.com , does 3 things:

" * It restores the definition of marriage to what the vast majority of California voters already approved and what Californians agree should be supported, not undermined.

* It overturns the outrageous decision of four activist Supreme Court judges who ignored the will of the people.

* It protects our children from being taught in public schools that “same-sex marriage” is the same as traditional marriage, and prevents other consequences to Californians who will be forced to not just be tolerant of gay lifestyles, but face mandatory compliance regardless of their personal beliefs. "

And there it is, plain and simple. The voters have already, on more than one occasion, voted for traditional marriage. If this doesn't pass, not only will everyone be mandated to be tolerant (read: their definition of tolerance is NOT the same as a biblical definition - it is much broader), but forced into compliance regardless of our personal, religious or otherwise, beliefs. Pastors who refuse to marry gay couples could be sued and their churches could lose their tax exempt status. The Bible could be challenged as hate speech (this is already happening in other countries, as close as Canada). Children will be forced to learn about it in school, regardless of the beliefs of their families. This is already happening in Massachusetts. And freedom of religion will start to be restricted based on outcries of discrimination (also happening in Canada).

The truth: marriage, in cultures across the globe and throughout human history, has
been defined as between one man and one woman. Why would anyone try to argue that? The reassuring factor is that we know in the end by the assurance of God's Word that good triumphs. Yet we also know that the enemies of God will continue to try to gain ground on earth. This is another way that the enemy is trying to gain ground and silence the church.

I am not intolerant. I am not hateful toward gays or supporters of gay marriage. I do hate, however, that because I am a professing, Bible-believing Christian, I'm being lumped into a group that is being labeled a discriminating, lying, homophobic, evil, hateful, closed-minded bunch of bigots. Seriously. I even read of someone who has struggled with thoughts of rear-ending people who have a "Yes on Proposition 8" bumper sticker on their car. Tolerance is what the opposing side says they want. Yet tolerance is a two-way street. I am labeled all these horrible things because I am a Christian. No other reason. I haven't done anything to any of the people labeling me to make them think I am like that. In fact most of them don't know me and never will. I think the actions they are displaying are sad, and grossly unfair, as well as hateful, lying, discriminating, and closed-minded. Just what they're saying about me (and all Christians).

So here's what I DO think and believe. I believe marriage is a sacred, God-ordained covenant between a man and a woman. I believe He created marriage and has the final say on what marriage is. I believe God calls every human being, which He created, to love every other human being.

I think this is a scary time for religious freedom in California, and if Prop. 8 doesn't pass it may set a precedent for much of the country. I am scared to talk about this in public. I've witnessed many people get into hateful, God-dishonoring arguments about it in public places and online. Especially online. I believe in the right to practice one's religion without governmental mandates to silence your beliefs. I believe in freedom of speech.

I believe that morality is mandated by God, not man, and our laws typically reflect the morality and values set forth in God's Word. I believe in the right of all people to visit those they love in the hospital (one of the arguing points of the gay community, saying they are denied this right). I believe that if someone chooses to spend his or her life loving someone of the same sex, that they should get the same legal, health, and tax benefits heterosexual couples do. I also believe it is an eternal issue, and that it is not my place to judge them or point fingers if I don't agree with their choice of lifestyle. I believe it is my obligation to love them and treat them as Jesus would treat them.

There. I said it. The bottom line is the golden rule, which all people regardless of their faith preference seem to agree with: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And for me, that means treat others the way Jesus would treat them, even if it's sometimes difficult to do so.

I wish there could be more positive dialogue about Proposition 8. The mayor of San Francisco, Gavin Newsom, is spewing the same hateful speech about us that so many others are. Which is making the others do it even more, feeling they are being supported by the mayor. We are not trying to take away equal legal rights for domestic partners (which, by the way, they already have). We are not trying to discriminate. We are trying to keep a sacred, faith-based definition of marriage just that, sacred. Call it a civil union, call it something else. Just leave marriage in it's God-ordained, history proven sense, alone. And let Christians be Christians and practice our faith how we believe it to be.

And at judgement day, we will be rewarded for our standing on the one and only truth:

"Jesus answered, "I am THE way and THE truth and THE life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6 (emphasis mine)

Humility, sacrifice, and marriage

I am going through a Beth Moore study on Daniel with the women's ministry at my church. It's pretty amazing, and really stretches the brain, which I love. But in the midst of all the prophecies, kings, kings, and more kings, and end-time events, there are some solid, amazing lessons for life. This may take two posts, so I'll start with what I've learned this past week.

The video to begin week 11 (studying Daniel 11) talked about sacrifice vs. selfishness. Satan is constantly trying to get all of us to give up the sacrificial life. For "it is only in losing ourselves that we truly find ourselves," and Satan doesn't want us to know the truth about who we are in Christ and what good we are capable of doing in the world we live in. Beth Moore said that if we miss the sacrificial life we will miss our calling. Wow! I definitely don't want that to happen. I want to fully live as God intends for me to live, on a daily basis in all that I say and do.

She also said that sacrifice has to come at great cost to us. That's where I really began to apply what was being said. For most of us, the "cost" is our pride, though it could be something much more. We want it to be quick and easy, to give (monetarily or in service) out of our excess, not where it's hard. Here is a quote she included from C.S. Lewis: "Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind." I have been saying for years that I believe pride leads to every other sin, not knowing that C.S. Lewis said the same thing. Pride precedes greed, lust, stealing, cheating, and any other sin you can think of. Selfish pride. And we all have it.

Here's a practical application that most of you women that I know will appreciate. How does America portray a man who asks his wife to do something for him, even something small like get him a glass of water? Lazy, controlling, and womanizing. Hmmm. Interesting that we would hear that so often, yet it's SO WRONG! Explains where my instant subconscious defensiveness, though unfounded, comes from every time Nigel asks me to do something. Stubborn, selfish pride, fueled by our annoying and deceptive media.

I applied what I learned in the Bible study: sacrifice, true sacrifice, has to cost something. For me that is often pride. So I swallowed that pride and went our of my way to do extra things for Nigel this week. And I discovered something: it makes me like myself a lot more. I also discovered in the midst of it this week that Nigel's love language is acts of service. And all of a sudden all the puzzle pieces fell into place - he is always hoping that I'll do things before he asks me to, because it makes him feel loved. And when I don't, or grumble a little at doing something, it actually hurts him. Talk about switching my motivation! It's a lot easier to do things for someone when the result is that they feel extra loved.

Here is a little excerpt from fivelovelanguages.com about acts of service:

"Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love. Even simple things like laundry and taking out the trash require some form of planning, time, effort, and energy. Just as Jesus demonstrated when he washed the feet of his disciples, doing humble chores can be a very powerful expression of love and devotion to your mate.

Very often, both pairs in a couple will speak to the Acts of Service Language. However, it is very important to understand what acts of service your mate most appreciates. Even though couples are helping each other around the house, couples will still fight because the are unknowingly communicating with each other in two different dialects. For example, a wife may spend her day washing the cars and walking the dog, but if her husband feels that laundry and dishes are a superior necessity, he may feel unloved, despite the fact that his wife did many other chores throughout the day. It is important to learn your mate’s dialect and work hard to understand what acts of service will show your love.

It is important to do these acts of service out of love and not obligation. A mate who does chores and helps out around the house out of guilt or fear will inevitably not be speaking a language of love, but a language of resentment. It’s important to perform these acts out of the kindness of your heart.

Demonstrating the acts of service can mean stepping out of the stereotypes. Acts of service require both mates to humble themselves into doing some chores and services that aren’t usually expected from their gender. However, these little sacrifices will mean the world to your mate, and will ensure a happy relationship."

Now, I need to get Nigel to read the chapter on words of affirmation, because as it turns out, words definitely make or break my day. How do people like Gary Chapman come up with this stuff? I am thankful to God for leading him to write that book. It is sure helping my relationships! And my marriage to the most wonderful and humble man on earth.

My husband, the chef

Ok, so maybe this meal wasn't at the level of gourmet food. And I was a bit worried at how this one would turn out. You see, Nigel called me from the grocery store to tell me he was making hotdish. If you're not from the Midwest, you know it as a casserole. Yup, Nigel making hotdish. I was nervous - after all, being from Minnesota, I could fill an entire recipe book with all my hotdish recipes. But he's from Pakistan, and has never made it before. Plus, he likes mixing random things together.

I came home to a beautiful smell in the kitchen. Hmmm, maybe this wouldn't be so bad. He wouldn't tell me what he'd put in it - wanted me to figure it out on my own.

It was DELICIOUS!! He used chicken breasts (yes, marinated in various spices), a box of stuffing, veggies, a can of cream of whatever soup (a hotdish staple), and even a bit of cheese and french fried onions on top. I am so impressed! Maybe I can turn him into a Minnesotan yet...

It's already been one year, no way!

I cannot believe we've been married for a year already. And it's so amazing. We were talking the other day after we got back from Carmel, where we spent our anniversary, about how it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off our shoulder since we hit one year.

Why? Well everyone kept telling us that the first year is so hard, and that it would be especially so for us since we met in February of 2006 and were married in October. So once we hit a year, the pressure was off or something like that. Weird, huh? Especially since it was totally a mental thing. I mean, there were difficult parts of learning to share all of your life and home with another, especially a man, but it was far better than I was expecting. And my expectation was totally a result of others who told me it was going to be extremely difficult.

So we are happier than ever. Nicole Gee, my awesome friend/photographer, took pictures of us in San Francisco on the 6th. We decided it would become a yearly tradition. Do any of you have any anniversary traditions?

We also got a cake from the same one who did our wedding cake, Fatema at Cake Delight. We even tried a new flavor: chocolate mousse. It was yummy! And without any ideas from me at all she remembered our wedding cake and put the same brown and blue flowers on it! She is so sweet and amazing. That's why we keep going back to her!

Here is an album from our anniversary weekend:

First Anniversary - Photo shoot and Carmel

I also finally put out there an album of some of our faves from the wedding. Just click public gallery after you go to the above album. On the morning of our anniversary, the 8th, Nigel and I sat down in our room at the Normandy Inn in Carmel and ate cake while we watched our wedding video and a slideshow of pics. Joel Flory's slideshow from our wedding is still up as well. Just after we finished the video, there was a knock at the door and a delivery of 2 dozen red roses! How sweet is my husband? And he had no control over the perfect timing, either.

It was a wonderful celebration, for sure.

Maui

Nigel and I just got back from 9 days on Maui. What a wonderful trip!! It was relaxing and a much needed recharge. We didn't realize how weary we had become with the day-to-day busyness of life in California. It really was like we were on a second honeymoon. And in a very beautiful place! This is a pic from the very end of our trip to Hana.

From Maui 2007

We saw a lot of beautiful waterfalls that day. Many were unknown to the general public, as we had this awesome book called "Maui Revealed". You can easily buy it on Amazon if you're headed to Maui. There's also one for Kauai that we used for our honeymoon, as well as ones for Oaho and the Big Island. You can click the link to our album to see more pics.

From Maui 2007

The hurricane missed us completely, thank goodness. We had beautiful weather the whole time we were there. And we didn't do too much at all. We rode jet skis at Lahaina, which Nigel had never done. We also went to an awesome show called Warren and Annabelle's Magic show in Lahaina. And, believe it or not, we met a group of Minnesotans, which knew an entire family of people from my tiny hometown. It is such a small world! And Nigel shakes his head in disbelief every time this happens to me, which is often. I always seem to find someone I'm connected to somehow.

I'm back at creating more album pages, hoping very soon to launch this thing. It's time consuming work, yet I love it so much. God's given me this talent for a reason, just like all the others. And He's showing me how to use it. And I am grateful to Him, for this talent and for my life.

You know, we take for granted so much in this life on earth. Like the beautiful sunsets God paints for us every evening. Or that He gives us each day to use for His purposes, yet we waste so much of it. Or the love of our husbands, family, and friends. I keep thinking about the song Garth Brooks sings called "If Tomorrow Never Comes." I want to live each day like it's my last, doing exactly what God has given me to do for that day, cherishing the little moments with friends and family when I get to, and especially with Nigel. Because maybe I won't have tomorrow, or maybe he won't. And God doesn't want us to live in the past or the future - He wants us to live today, for today. Sometimes it takes 9 straight days of slowing down to come back to that reality. But it's true.

So please, for me, take a moment you wouldn't have otherwise taken with someone you love today and really cherish it. Take a picture or write it down, too, because there is joy for you in the remembering, as well.

My 30th Birthday Party

I can't believe I'm 30!!! For my birthday, Nigel arranged a party for me and invited all my friends to the Macaroni Grill in Dublin, CA. Italian is my favorite! He wouldn't tell me anything about it though - just that he was doing something for me the night after my birthday with my friends and his family. We all enjoyed some wonderful Italian food, and at the end a man brought out this fudgy cake with a candle on it. He then sang "Happy Birthday" to me in Italian with his beautiful voice. After dinner, we went to Bob and Merrie's house for cake. Nigel had ordered a birthday cake from Fatema, who made our wedding cake. This one, however, was a 4 layer almond cake with chocolate ganache filling. What a sweet husband I have!!!

I should also tell the story of my birthday itself. Nigel couldn't wait until morning for me to open my gifts, so as soon as midnight hit and it was May 11th, he handed me the gifts. I chose, however, to only open one. It was a beautiful black and white pearl necklace. The next morning I opened another gift, and it was a matching black pearl necklace and bracelet. How sweet! The most unique gift, and appropriate for a 30th birthday for sure, was from my friend Brittany. She gave me the new Tickle Me Elmo Extreme. It is hilarious!!! If you haven't seen it, get one!!

I left work at noon on my birthday to spend the rest of the day with Nigel. We met up at his mom's house. She couldn't resist and cooked us a wonderful lunch. She is such a GREAT cook!! That night, Nigel told me we had dinner plans but again wouldn't tell me where we were going. It turns out he had made reservations at this cute little Italian restaurant in Alamo called Ristorante Forli. They had live music as well, so we danced to some of the old standards after a wonderful dinner.

I am blessed. I have wonderful friends, a husband who treats me almost too well, a great family (who is too far away), and a wonderful family of in-laws. What more could I ask for in the people that surround me? God is good.

A visit from friends (new friends for me)

The last week in April we hosted Nigel's good friends from Pakistan, Haseeb, and his wife Itti (pronounced It-thee). It is very hard for a Pakistani to get a visitor's visa to the US right now. So we thought the first time I would ever get to meet them was if we went to Pakistan.

However, Haseeb works for Motorola, and won a sales award, WNNR, for which the company flew him to Hawaii and gave him and his wife (along with all the other WNNRs and their spouses) tons of praise, recognition, free gifts including a gold-plated cell phone, and the whole vacation which included their stay at a fancy resort. I want to work for Motorola! No wonder their phones are so expensive.

Anyway, since the company wanted them to travel to Hawaii for business, it was easy to get visas for them. Then Haseeb requested to fly through San Francisco with a stopover on the way back for 4 days. They agreed, and so they stayed with us and we traveled all over the Bay area. It was a blast!!

Here is a link to my public Picasa gallery, which includes an album from their visit with a few of my faves:

Itti and Haseeb's Visit April 07

Their visit also meant a week of cleaning and finally completely putting together our house. So now I have a functional office/spare bedroom/studio!! I'll take some pictures of our place now and post them soon, since everything's finally in order.

Our home - and the piano saga

With a title like that you're probably expecting pictures. Well, I haven't quite gotten that far. But I will soon! And I will post some when I do.

Our apartment is finally starting to feel like a home. That's partly due to the fact I've now had some time to work on it, and get almost daily ideas from my boss who's an interior designer. I get inspiration from the store I work at, too. When I first moved in, it felt totally like Nigel's place. Granted, all of my furniture is being stored at my dad's farm.

But Nigel's style of decorating is not mine. He likes dark cherry finished woods with an Asian (Indian/Pakistani) influence- I like pastel white, green, and country blue French style furniture. Luckily for me, pale green is his favorite color and the French country blue is mine, and they go very well together. But the woods - I wasn't thinking it was going to work very well together. I was wrong! We're slowly blending the two styles.

So that's our bedroom - white furniture with white, green, and blue decor. We do, however have some dark wood nightstands in there and some dark wood frames framing some honeymoon momentos on the wall. Our bathroom is completely done - all in white and pale greens.

But our home was lacking something. Something crucial for me to feel at home - a piano. I have cried countless times since the wedding over being sad at not having one to play and having no idea how to get my piano here - or when that might possibly happen. To make it worse, we found out it is worth about $800 and would cost more than that to move. So we're holding out on the decision, but will probably try to sell it. That makes me a bit sad, because it is the piano my parents bought for me at 6 years old to learn on, and has been with me through my life of learning, and teaching, piano. But at the same time, I've learned the hard way that I'm very sentimental and can't keep everything just for the memories. After all, the material things themselves aren't the memories or the people connected to them anyway. (Thanks Becky, for helping me get to that point with my first major purge!)

One Sunday just into 2007 and just after a Lorie Line concert (Nigel's first and my 15th) inspired him to want to SOMEHOW get me a piano, we went to Walnut Creek to dream. In reality, I still figured we would keep looking on Craig's List and someday find a "good enough" one that we could afford. But I can dream, right? So we wandered into The Music Exchange, which sells Yamaha pianos - my personal favorite to play in touch and sound. They are so far out of our price range. But I asked the saleswoman for a brochure anyway, because I wanted to continue to dream. We assured her we could not afford a brand new piano right now, but on the way out she said to Nigel, "You know, Valentine's Day is coming up." To which I responded, "He WISHES he could buy me a piano for Valentine's Day!"

I soon ate my words. About an hour later we wandered into Sherman Clay, another piano dealer in WC. They mainly sell Steinways and the Steinway brands like Boston and Essex, but why not dream some more, right? We wandered through all the beautiful Steinways, the stately Bostons, and the cheaper, yet wonderfully ornate Essex pianos. We wandered all the way into the back corner of the shop, where I spotted a sign that read "We rent pianos." Hmmm. Rent? I bet we could afford that! And they even had Yamahas to rent. So we found a salesman, Bernardo, who is from Brazil originally, and started firing questions at him. How much do they rent for? What kinds do you have? How do they get to our place? Do you tune for free?

After he answered all of our questions, and we were eagerly nodding our heads and ready to sign the papers, he said, "I feel like I should also mention to you that we have a rent-to-own program." Intrigued, I asked him to explain the details. Payments are around $50 a month, we have a year and a half to change our minds, we can put a down payment on it to bring the price down, we could make higher payments and pay it off early to avoid some of the interest, and they were having a huge end-of-the-year sale that knocked $1000 off the price. After all the explanations, he left Nigel and I to talk.

Nigel said sure, why not? I actually cried with joy. Not kidding. So I started playing. Every piano in the store. I wanted to find one that had a great touch, a bright rich sound, and was on the taller end of uprights (more height = bigger soundboard = bigger sound). I found the perfect one - a Henry F. Miller, mahogany finish (which would nicely complement Nigel's decorating style), responsive action on the keys, and a BEAUTIFUL sound. Nigel said a down payment, which would make it affordable in the long run, was my Valentine's gift - a bit early. And my two new piano students would pay for the piano!

So, we signed the paperwork, and within a week it was delivered to our door!! Nigel's mom was the only one there when it arrived. She was teaching me to cook that day and had sent me to the store for some unsweetened coconut, which proved difficult to find. When I got back, she said "Go see what arrived while you were gone." And I cried again! It's now been a couple weeks, and the piano has brought Nigel and I so much joy already. He cries when I play, and I am happier and less stressed than I have been in a long time!

I love my husband. And I love how he supports my dreams, and does what he can to help me achieve them. Now, I'm working on a flyer to advertise for more students. By the time we have our first child, my goal is to have enough students to stay home. With a piano in our home, that now just might happen!

New Year's Eve, 2006

Nigel and I at our friends Ron and Nicole Gee's house on New Year's Eve. Yes, I actually cut my hair! I had been letting it get as long as possible for the wedding, and kept it that way through the second reception on December 23. Then it was time to chop it off for a while. Nigel LOVES it, which was a bonus!