High Needs Daughters: An introduction

We are blessed, beyond words, to have a sweet baby girl. L has brought so much sunshine and joy to every day since she arrived. I did not know this level of joy existed before her. She is happy, bright, social, and talkative. She is a joy to be around 99% of the time. And, just to clarify, high needs is not special needs. To put it quite simply, you know all those needs a baby has? Food/nursing, holding, attention, etc? A high needs baby just needs them very demandingly.

That said, motherhood came with a much higher level of parenting needed than I ever expected for a baby. I haven't told this whole story to anyone other than Nigel, and it would have been easier to tell had I been doing it all along. However, I did not want to put it off anymore because I have a need to tell it, hoping to finally find some healing and maybe help out other new or soon-to-be moms.

Let's start at the beginning. I have not posted my birth story here either, so I will do that as a part of this series. The birth did not go as peacefully as I had hoped. I should have known better, with all my instincts, than to have Lilyana in a hospital for what I was hoping would be a natural childbirth. Not just natural as in vaginal delivery, but 100% natural: no drugs, epidurals, unnecessary monitoring, no separation from me, no bottles. In a hospital, a birthing mother is at the mercy of her care team: nurses, doctor, and doctors on duty, and their procedures and protocols. You better have chosen a doctor you trust, because for us, that is the main thing that saved us from a c-section. I had chosen a doctor that I both knew personally and who came highly recommended in our area. I knew if things did not go as we hoped, that I could trust the outcome because ultimately he does not push c-sections as quickly as most doctors these days and he truly had our well-being at heart.

Why do I mention this? I believe some of the stress and hurdles we faced in L's first couple weeks are directly related to the difficulty we had in getting breastfeeding started, which I believe is directly related to the interventions that happened while I was in labor. In hindsight, I am very, very trusting and at the time was still too naive to believe that we could have a completely natural childbirth in a hospital, especially a hospital with a Level 4 NICU that is so accustomed to high-risk and difficult births. It also has a high c-section rate at 27.9%, which is typical in the U.S. That said, the care team and support I had there was exceptional after what I went through with the labor and delivery.

L, as it turns out, can be perfectly described as a high needs baby by the description found here at the Dr. Sears website. I will get into specifics about how I've witnessed this in L later, as she has really fit all 12 points he describes in that post. It was impossible to know this about her prior to birth, which is why I believe the traumas surrounding it were all the more harmful to her.

Coming up in the rest of my posts in this series, I will talk more specifically about the events surrounding her birth, my personal concern over the rising c-section rate and why it's happening, how I discovered what a high needs child is, trials we've endured in this process, and things I've learned that may help others. I have been labeled a "chronic researcher" by some friends who know me well. I've read a lot, and learned a lot. The story will take long to tell, but it is my fervent prayer that it may help another mom. At the very least, I hope it causes more moms-to-be to become better-informed about pregnancy, labor and delivery, and mothering a high needs child.

Life 2011

Wow, has it really been over a year that I've completely neglected this blog?!? That shows what life with a high needs daughter is like. More about that in another post. L was born September 25, 2010. Here's a pic from that day, one of my faves of her:

She is a happy girl, very curious, and brings us so much joy. I cannot remember what life was like before she was in it, and I wouldn't want to go back to that anyway.

I want to do a few posts on parenting, things I've learned and am still learning, and how my faith affects my being a mom. They are coming soon, but for now, here is a recent pic of L, showing off some of her personality:

This also shows why blogging is difficult. She can perfectly reach the caps lock key on the left and enter on the right, so I do a lot of editing and retyping. More to come from this mom soon!

My very exciting birthday gift

When I went in a few months back to schedule my 20 week ultrasound at the John Muir Women's Health Center, I already knew they were going to tell me my 20th week was the week of my birthday. They asked if I had a preference of day, and I chose my birthday because we had decided we wanted to find out if we were having a boy or a girl.

We have been overjoyed since finding out we are expecting. We are so excited God would give us this miracle baby. And though we'd be excited with a son or a daughter, we both have really wanted to have a girl first.

As soon as we got in the exam room, I told the technician that we wanted her to determine the baby's gender but not tell us. I asked her to write it down and seal it in an envelope for us. Another treat, later in the day, would tell us the news.

The ultrasound itself on my birthday was exciting enough. They had it projected on a big screen so Nigel could see, too. It's so neat to see the little one moving around and see the heartbeat and know there's a life growing inside me. At that point, I wasn't feeling the baby move much yet - little flutters is all. The technician was doing a lot of measuring and checking of the baby's features, so it was a longer ultrasound.

As for determining the gender, and quite a few other measurements, the baby was not cooperating at all. The baby's legs were closed tight! When I later relayed the news to my grandma, she said the baby was just already learning how to be modest. How sweet! The technician left the room to call in the perinatologist to see if she would have any better luck with the gender and measurements.

After the tech left the room, I silently prayed for God to prompt this little one to move and cooperate for the doctor. I didn't know it, but Nigel prayed the same thing then. The doctor came into the room and was excited to see that the baby had moved! She asked us to look away as she looked, and I heard the tech say "Yeah, that's what I thought too" and she said they were done. The tech wrote down the gender, the doctor said all was well, and we left.

We went downstairs to the front desk of the Center and talked to the receptionist. We asked if she would do us a favor. You see, I had arranged with Katrina Rozelle in Alamo to make me a yummy birthday cake. I let them know someone would be calling with the gender of our baby, and to then write on the cake "Happy Birthday, It's a ____". The receptionist was tickled to be let in on our secret.

We went then to the baker to pick up the cake. They were also excited to be in on such a neat secret. They said they'd never been asked to do anything like that before. They tied ribbon around the box and handed it to me. Here is the cake, along with a sweet figurine called "Expecting a Miracle" that Dad and Donni gave me as a birthday gift.

We took the cake home and Nigel and I spent a while in prayer for the pregnancy and most of all for the baby. It was a sweet time for us. All the while, the anticipation was building. We were so excited to find out. Nigel decided to take pictures as I opened the cake. I was excited, but had myself set up for it to possibly be a boy even though we so much want it to be a girl.

I think the next picture tells you what the cake said, without me even saying it...

Here is the beautiful cake. It was yummy too - an almond cake with raspberry filling. Besides our wedding cake, my favorite cake ever.

We are so thrilled to be having a girl!! Wow, God is so amazingly good to us. What a gift, on top of the miracle she already is.

Me at 20 weeks, the first picture I've braved of the belly. I actually like how it turned out. My sweet hubby is getting really good at taking pictures of me.

We then headed out to a yummy Italian restaurant in Berkeley, Riva Cucina, to celebrate. Italian is my favorite, not Nigel's at all, so we have a tradition to go to Italian on my birthday. What a wonderful, memorable, sweet birthday this was in 2010. I will cherish it in my heart forever.