High Needs Daughters: An introduction

We are blessed, beyond words, to have a sweet baby girl. L has brought so much sunshine and joy to every day since she arrived. I did not know this level of joy existed before her. She is happy, bright, social, and talkative. She is a joy to be around 99% of the time. And, just to clarify, high needs is not special needs. To put it quite simply, you know all those needs a baby has? Food/nursing, holding, attention, etc? A high needs baby just needs them very demandingly.

That said, motherhood came with a much higher level of parenting needed than I ever expected for a baby. I haven't told this whole story to anyone other than Nigel, and it would have been easier to tell had I been doing it all along. However, I did not want to put it off anymore because I have a need to tell it, hoping to finally find some healing and maybe help out other new or soon-to-be moms.

Let's start at the beginning. I have not posted my birth story here either, so I will do that as a part of this series. The birth did not go as peacefully as I had hoped. I should have known better, with all my instincts, than to have Lilyana in a hospital for what I was hoping would be a natural childbirth. Not just natural as in vaginal delivery, but 100% natural: no drugs, epidurals, unnecessary monitoring, no separation from me, no bottles. In a hospital, a birthing mother is at the mercy of her care team: nurses, doctor, and doctors on duty, and their procedures and protocols. You better have chosen a doctor you trust, because for us, that is the main thing that saved us from a c-section. I had chosen a doctor that I both knew personally and who came highly recommended in our area. I knew if things did not go as we hoped, that I could trust the outcome because ultimately he does not push c-sections as quickly as most doctors these days and he truly had our well-being at heart.

Why do I mention this? I believe some of the stress and hurdles we faced in L's first couple weeks are directly related to the difficulty we had in getting breastfeeding started, which I believe is directly related to the interventions that happened while I was in labor. In hindsight, I am very, very trusting and at the time was still too naive to believe that we could have a completely natural childbirth in a hospital, especially a hospital with a Level 4 NICU that is so accustomed to high-risk and difficult births. It also has a high c-section rate at 27.9%, which is typical in the U.S. That said, the care team and support I had there was exceptional after what I went through with the labor and delivery.

L, as it turns out, can be perfectly described as a high needs baby by the description found here at the Dr. Sears website. I will get into specifics about how I've witnessed this in L later, as she has really fit all 12 points he describes in that post. It was impossible to know this about her prior to birth, which is why I believe the traumas surrounding it were all the more harmful to her.

Coming up in the rest of my posts in this series, I will talk more specifically about the events surrounding her birth, my personal concern over the rising c-section rate and why it's happening, how I discovered what a high needs child is, trials we've endured in this process, and things I've learned that may help others. I have been labeled a "chronic researcher" by some friends who know me well. I've read a lot, and learned a lot. The story will take long to tell, but it is my fervent prayer that it may help another mom. At the very least, I hope it causes more moms-to-be to become better-informed about pregnancy, labor and delivery, and mothering a high needs child.

Life 2011

Wow, has it really been over a year that I've completely neglected this blog?!? That shows what life with a high needs daughter is like. More about that in another post. L was born September 25, 2010. Here's a pic from that day, one of my faves of her:

She is a happy girl, very curious, and brings us so much joy. I cannot remember what life was like before she was in it, and I wouldn't want to go back to that anyway.

I want to do a few posts on parenting, things I've learned and am still learning, and how my faith affects my being a mom. They are coming soon, but for now, here is a recent pic of L, showing off some of her personality:

This also shows why blogging is difficult. She can perfectly reach the caps lock key on the left and enter on the right, so I do a lot of editing and retyping. More to come from this mom soon!

Day 2: 31 Ways to Praise

The Only God. "God, I praise You because You are 'the Lord, and there is no other; apart from You there is no God' " (Isaiah 45:5)

There is only one God, and He is worthy of our praise each day. I am so happy to know that truth exists and comforted by the fact that the God I love and know is the one true God.

Today, I am praising Him for His amazing provision - an anonymous gift card we received in the mail. That's the 2nd anonymous $100 gift card in a month. What a blessing during this financially trying time for Nigel and I. It shows us God is providing through His people, and we have another couple weeks where our grocery money doesn't have to come out of savings. God is faithful, He will provide, and He cares, deeply, about His children. What a blessed thought!

Day 1: 31 Ways to Praise

A few years back I was given a prayer card entitled "31 Ways to Praise". It's a beautiful tool put out by Pray! Magazine. You can get your own prayer cards through the website including this package that includes the card I have. I am in desperate need of refocusing my prayer life right now, and am using this tool, and this blog, to help me for the next 31 (or so) days.

I love this prayer card. God deserves our praise, every day, because He is worthy. We may feel distraught while we go through a trial, upset at the unfair circumstances of our lives, distracted by our everyday tasks, or ecstatic at all the blessings we have. Yet He deserves our praise, just for who He is. This card includes a small prayer for each day of a month (yes, I'm starting in the middle of a month but I know I need to start it now), and a Bible reference for the attribute of God listed.

I've been having a hard time the past week or so. Nigel's unemployment checks abruptly stopped. My income is short, as it is summer and my piano students are on vacation for much of it. I am going through the nesting phase of pregnancy, yet we don't know if we will even be able to stay in our apartment past July. I am wondering about my ability to be a parent, and making decisions about the labor/delivery, vaccinations, and all kinds of other things to prepare for our little girl. Not to mention the raging hormones that greatly affect me periodically. Last week, I gave in to almost despair, as I worried and fretted and cried out to God over it all. It was a rough week.

Sunday morning, one of our worship songs at church was "Blessed Be Your Name." It is such a profound song. I found myself humbled, praising God and blessing His name even though I feel now like I am on a road of difficulty. The song is about blessing God despite our feelings and circumstances. I came out of the service renewed, refreshed, and knowing that praising God needed to be at the forefront of my mind. I often need that reminder. Don't we all?

Day 1: God the Creator. "Creator God, I praise You because 'You made the heavens, even the highest heavens, and all their starry host, the earth and all that is on it, the seas and all that is in them. You give life to everything, and the multitudes of heaven worship You' " (Nehemiah 9:6).

God created me, a miracle, and my birth mother allowed me to be born and gave me up for adoption to an amazing family in South Dakota. He created Nigel, a miracle, and he grew up in a large family in Pakistan. God brought us together in California in 2006, and through another miracle has

given us a baby, who He also created. I am in awe. I cannot fathom this life growing inside of me and all her intricacies. I cannot wait to meet her and see who God has created her to be.

None of us were accidents, none of us were unplanned, for God knew us before we were born, in our mother's wombs.

"For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb." (Psalm 139:13)

Amazing. Blessed be Your name Father, for You are Creator of all things, including me.

My very exciting birthday gift

When I went in a few months back to schedule my 20 week ultrasound at the John Muir Women's Health Center, I already knew they were going to tell me my 20th week was the week of my birthday. They asked if I had a preference of day, and I chose my birthday because we had decided we wanted to find out if we were having a boy or a girl.

We have been overjoyed since finding out we are expecting. We are so excited God would give us this miracle baby. And though we'd be excited with a son or a daughter, we both have really wanted to have a girl first.

As soon as we got in the exam room, I told the technician that we wanted her to determine the baby's gender but not tell us. I asked her to write it down and seal it in an envelope for us. Another treat, later in the day, would tell us the news.

The ultrasound itself on my birthday was exciting enough. They had it projected on a big screen so Nigel could see, too. It's so neat to see the little one moving around and see the heartbeat and know there's a life growing inside me. At that point, I wasn't feeling the baby move much yet - little flutters is all. The technician was doing a lot of measuring and checking of the baby's features, so it was a longer ultrasound.

As for determining the gender, and quite a few other measurements, the baby was not cooperating at all. The baby's legs were closed tight! When I later relayed the news to my grandma, she said the baby was just already learning how to be modest. How sweet! The technician left the room to call in the perinatologist to see if she would have any better luck with the gender and measurements.

After the tech left the room, I silently prayed for God to prompt this little one to move and cooperate for the doctor. I didn't know it, but Nigel prayed the same thing then. The doctor came into the room and was excited to see that the baby had moved! She asked us to look away as she looked, and I heard the tech say "Yeah, that's what I thought too" and she said they were done. The tech wrote down the gender, the doctor said all was well, and we left.

We went downstairs to the front desk of the Center and talked to the receptionist. We asked if she would do us a favor. You see, I had arranged with Katrina Rozelle in Alamo to make me a yummy birthday cake. I let them know someone would be calling with the gender of our baby, and to then write on the cake "Happy Birthday, It's a ____". The receptionist was tickled to be let in on our secret.

We went then to the baker to pick up the cake. They were also excited to be in on such a neat secret. They said they'd never been asked to do anything like that before. They tied ribbon around the box and handed it to me. Here is the cake, along with a sweet figurine called "Expecting a Miracle" that Dad and Donni gave me as a birthday gift.

We took the cake home and Nigel and I spent a while in prayer for the pregnancy and most of all for the baby. It was a sweet time for us. All the while, the anticipation was building. We were so excited to find out. Nigel decided to take pictures as I opened the cake. I was excited, but had myself set up for it to possibly be a boy even though we so much want it to be a girl.

I think the next picture tells you what the cake said, without me even saying it...

Here is the beautiful cake. It was yummy too - an almond cake with raspberry filling. Besides our wedding cake, my favorite cake ever.

We are so thrilled to be having a girl!! Wow, God is so amazingly good to us. What a gift, on top of the miracle she already is.

Me at 20 weeks, the first picture I've braved of the belly. I actually like how it turned out. My sweet hubby is getting really good at taking pictures of me.

We then headed out to a yummy Italian restaurant in Berkeley, Riva Cucina, to celebrate. Italian is my favorite, not Nigel's at all, so we have a tradition to go to Italian on my birthday. What a wonderful, memorable, sweet birthday this was in 2010. I will cherish it in my heart forever.

New design, renewed inspiration

I finally have a new blog design, yay! And it looks like it's doing what it's supposed to. I was having a lot of trouble with my former design, so here's to a fresh start for all the posts I have in my head to write.

Our miracle baby

This is the story of how we found out we were pregnant, along with a little of the background into our infertility diagnosis a couple years ago. We are still amazed at how God is working in us and this situation - truly a miracle on multiple levels.

January 29, 2010

Nigel and I were attending the Northern California Prayer Summit in Concord, CA the weekend of January 28 - 30. Daniel Henderson and Alice Moss were leading it. It was an amazing three days of worship and prayer and seeking God’s face with others. Friday, the 2nd day, was quite an amazing day for me/us. At the first large group session that morning, Daniel read Psalm 113. The last verse says:

Psalm 113:9 He makes the barren woman abide in the house as a joyful mother of children.

Praise the LORD!

I knew as soon as he quit reading it that it was a message for me from God. Yet I wondered why now?

The background story

We had tried unsuccessfully for a year to get pregnant, only to go through infertility testing and be told that our chances of conceiving naturally were pretty small. When my doctor gave us the results, he shared that he felt our best chance for success would be in vitro, even though we had told him that wasn’t an option for us. I responded with something along the lines of: “You and I both know who the Creator of life is. It’s not doctors or scientists in a lab – only God can create a life. You’re not saying our chances are zero, though even that wouldn’t be too much for God to overcome. When it’s His timing for us to have a baby we will. Risking upward of $20,000 on IVF, if now is not God’s timing, won’t get us pregnant. And that’s a risk we don't want to and can't afford to take.”

We let go of the idea of getting pregnant at that point. We left it in God’s hands, firmly believing if that’s how He wanted to give us a child then He would make it happen for us. Otherwise, He would bring us a child through adoption. At this point, a year and a half had passed since that diagnosis.

More confirmation

I had realized earlier on the morning of Jan. 29^th that I might be late. I'd been so busy that I hadn't noticed. Yet I refused to believe I might be pregnant – I didn’t want to get my hopes up yet again only to be severely disappointed.

Well, God wanted me to know that He was serious, so He made it VERY clear what He was trying to say to me. We headed off to our small groups, men with men and women with women. As I sat there, knowing God had something to do in me in that time, I felt overwhelmed and knew the Holy Spirit would prompt me when the time was right.

An hour or so later, toward the end of our small group time, Alice was about to pray for a woman for fear and anxiety in her life. She felt there might be someone else who needed prayer for that, and I literally jumped from my chair and said, "That's me!" Weird. I never do things like that. Apparently this is what God wanted me to see.

So I went over and prayed for the woman, who then got up and prayed for me. At the same time, I was wondering what, exactly, my fear was. I was prayed for, and then I went back and sat down. I realized as I sat back down in my chair that mostly it was a fear of never being able to get pregnant, and then also a fear of being pregnant (mostly doctors and hospitals in general). Yet I shared that with no one.

A few minutes later, as the session was winding down, I was pondering my lack of faith through fear in general and specifically related to getting pregnant. A sweet woman, who I’ve never talked to before, walked over to me and told me she had a word from the Lord for me. She said to me, "The Lord wants to tell you that He will birth in you that which you are afraid He won't birth in you." I started shaking and crying, wondering if it meant what I thought it meant, and as if to confirm, she asked, "You've been trying to get pregnant, haven't you?" WOW!!!! Ok God, you've REALLY got my attention now.

Nigel and I talked just after this before lunch. We both got really excited, but then out of fear of it not being real decided to contain our excitement until we knew “for sure”. Meaning, I’d take a pregnancy test after the summit ended.

Just to make sure I'd heard Him, Psalm 113 was read AGAIN that night in the last large group session, by a different man. God just kept reaffirming what my heart already knew, even though I couldn’t believe it.

January 30

We headed back to the summit the next morning, full of faith and wondering what was in store for us. I had calculated and figured I was about two weeks late. Two whole weeks! That has never happened before.

In the women's group we had a sweet, sweet time of basking in Jesus' love for us. As I was kneeling in the silence with my eyes closed, I had a vision of Jesus behind me, and then He put His arms around me and told me, "I love you and you WILL bear a child. I will give you a child." All right, I believe it now even more.

I love how God knew so well my heart and my fears and that He loved me enough to make it abundantly clear that I would bear a child. It still remained to be seen if it would be now. In my flesh, anyway, I still doubted it.

After the summit ended that afternoon, we stopped at CVS for a pregnancy test. This time, I bought the test that actually says "pregnant" or "not pregnant." I really already knew the answer, so wanted the fun readout on the test.

January 31

I awoke at 2:30 am for a trip to the bathroom. I decided to do the test. The results, said to take 3 minutes, showed up in about 10-20 seconds. I"M PREGNANT!!!!! I already knew in my heart that I was, but there was the confirmation, right on the little test!

I went back to bed, bumping my knee on the end of the bed and startling Nigel. I turned on the light before crawling into bed, a very strange thing for me to do. He knew something was up. I played it off, pretending to be sad/indifferent. He thought I was going to say the test was negative. When I said, "I'm pregnant" he started giggling like a little kid!

We laid awake until 4:30 am dreaming about what is ahead, in awe at the miracle already growing inside me. No wonder I'd felt weird the last couple weeks. We wondered whether it's a boy or girl. We kind of hope it's a girl, but want a healthy baby regardless.

We got up at 6:45 to get ready for church. Short night of sleep!!! But I was on cloud nine, for sure! As we were rehearsing and worshipping, I just felt this immense sense of joy and excitement and gratefulness to God for this blessing.

It is a miracle, a perfect example of His perfect love for us, and a demonstration of how waiting on His timing is the best thing we can do. The baby is expected at the end of September or beginning of October, and we know God will provide despite Nigel getting laid off. How God can love us this much really blows me away, and He deserves all the glory for this miracle in our lives.

A song I came across recently says it better than I can. Music has always been a strong form of expression for me, and this one is great – words from “What Faith Can Do” by Kutless:

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn’t ever end even when the sky is falling

I’ve seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard

Impossible is not a word

It’s just a reason for someone not to try

Everybody’s scared to death when they decide to take that step

Out on the water it’ll be all right

Life is so much more than what your eyes are seeing

You will find your way if you keep believing

Overcome the odds when you don’t have a chance

When the world says you can’t, it’ll tell you that you can

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.

8 Things

Ok Becky, I'll play too!

8 things I am looking forward to:
1. Houseboats on Lake Shasta in two weeks
2. Visiting "home" in October
3. Having children or adopting someday (hopefully soon)
4. Camping over the 4th of July
5. Going to San Francisco tomorrow - I love visiting the city
6. Finally seeing the Twins play the A's in Oakland
7. Continuing to be married to Nigel for the rest of my life
8. Someday living somewhere quieter and simpler

8 things I did yesterday:
1. Wii Fit for an hour
2. Taught 6 piano lessons
3. Researched possible website ideas for my designing
4. Had a YUMMY iced mocha from Bittersweet, my Wednesday treat
5. Found round-trip tickets to Fargo for $158 - may add a July trip in at that price
6. Made yummy goat curry - it tastes like beef to me but leaner
7. Crocheted
8. Farmed on Facebook

8 things I wish I could do:
1. Have a website custom designed for me
2. Not scream every time I see a spider
3. See Wicked while it's still in town
4. Finish seminary
5. Replace my wardrobe every season
6. Tolerate the heat out here in the summer
7. Witness a thunderstorm again
8. Still have all my MN friends close to me

8 shows I watch:
1. American Idol
2. Reba
3. 700 Club
4. Precepts for Life
5. Lie to Me
6. Wheel of Fortune
7. that's it, I don't watch much TV anymore

8 favorite fruits:
1. Strawberries
2. Blueberries
3. Watermelon
4. Rainier cherries
5. Apples
6. Oranges
7. Mangoes
8. Pineapple

8 places I'd like to travel to:
1. Pakistan
2. Italy (again, with Nigel this time)
3. Germany (with Nigel)
4. East coast, from Maine all the way down to South Carolina
5. Oregon
6. England
7. Thailand
8. A quiet island in the Caribbean

8 places I've lived:
1. New house on a farm
2. Old house on a farm
3. Dorm on college campus
4. Apartment on college campus
5. Spare room in a friend's house in a suburb
6. Spare room in a friend's house on a lake
7. House in a suburb
8. Apartment in a suburb

8 people I'm tagging:
1. Kathy
2. LaDonna
3. Kate
4. Jenna
5. Nigel
6. Misty
7. Jackie
8. Diana

Our God-written love story

I've been asked a lot again lately about how Nigel and I met (it was 3 years ago today). I looked back through my archives and realized I never posted the story! So here it is, our fabulous love story.

The Preface

Both Nigel and I had patiently, and sometimes not-so-patiently, been waiting for God to bring that special person into our lives to share our journey with.

Both of us, at the urging of friends, created Yahoo! Personals profiles. I created mine quite a few years ago when my roommate Lindsay recommended it after meeting her husband on it. Nigel created his only days before our story begins. However, neither of us had paid memberships, which meant we could browse through profiles but not actually communicate with anyone we found. And I hadn't logged on in a very long time because of this, and hadn't really updated my profile much either.

God at Work in 2006

One night Nigel had a couple of his guy friends over for dinner at his apartment. After dinner, two of them decided to log onto Yahoo! and browse some of the profiles for fun. For those of you who aren't familiar with these types of sites, I'll give you a bit of info to help you out. Usually, you can browse people by age, geographic location, and sometimes other things. Yahoo! allows much more detailed searches: within a certain radius of a zip code, particular height, weight, hair color, smoker/non-smoker, Christian/non-Christian, likes, income, and many other search criteria. On this night, Nigel entered the geographic region near him, and found my profile.

The picture I had posted was of me working at Starbucks in Minnesota a couple years ago. He read and was intrigued by the profile, saw I lived in Danville and worked in youth ministry, and called to his friend Joel in the other room: "Hey Joel, this girl works at a church in Danville - do you happen to know her?" As it turns out, Joel was a volunteer in the youth ministry I was working with at CPC in Danville. Coincidence that he was there that night? Nope. Neither Nigel nor I believe in coincidences. In fact we call them God-incidences.

Joel came in the room and peered over Nigel's shoulder and said, loudly in Nigel's ear: "That's Jackie Schaunaman!!!" So Nigel asked Joel if he thought I would give him my e-mail address so we could write to each other.

Another God-incidence occurred the very next morning. I happened to be walking from my house near the church to the youth office at the church to pick something up when I ran into Joel. On a Saturday morning! He was there for a random reason as well, and mentioned Nigel and what had transpired the night before. I said I wouldn't mind Nigel writing to me and gave him my e-mail address. After all, it wouldn't hurt anything, right? And I had nothing to lose by it.

Due to a death in Nigel's family, however, he actually didn't get to writing until he thought about it on Valentine's Day. So he sent off an e-mail, only to have it returned because Joel had gotten the address wrong. On February 15, I did finally get an e-mail from Nigel, and over the next couple days we exchanged a few more.

The Meeting

Nigel had been planning a dinner at his house for Friday the 17th and had invited some friends over, including Joel. He decided to invite me, but due to a commitment to a couple students I was staying with for the weekend, I had to say maybe depending on their schedules.

As Friday came, both the kids ended up with plans for the evening, so I called Joel to see what he thought about my going to the party and to confirm he would be there. He had actually decided not to go until I said I wouldn't go unless he did. So he sacrificed his other plans and went, and I called Nigel to let him know I would be there and to get directions.

I was nervous - after all, I was taking yet another risk. Plus, I had no idea what Nigel looked like, what he did for a living, or how old he was. But I decided the risk was worth it. After getting lost due to bad directions (he, he, he!) I finally made it and Joel came down to walk me up. Nigel didn't come to the door, because as it turns out he was too nervous about how the evening would go. We did say hello and he gave me a hug, and I immediately felt comfortable with him.

At the end of the night, the other guests left one by one until I was the only one left. I debated leaving, not sure how I felt about being in this man's apartment who I hadn't met before, but somehow I knew I could trust him. And I was eager to get to know more about him and share stories. It went well, and he talked to me for my whole drive home.

Nigel decided to wait a bit to call me, unsure of what to do next. Well, I took the guesswork out of it and called him the next day to see if he would like to watch a movie with me and a couple friends. He had plans, but we talked for a while and made plans for him to come to church with me the next day. Church turned into an entire day together, including a junior high soccer game, Transparency (a young adult ministry at Cornerstone that I was attending), coffee, and dinner at a Thai restaurant. The rest is history, as we've been together since!

Dating

Nigel and I quickly learned that while we are from different cultures and have eleven years between us, at the core we are more alike than we ever thought possible.

We have both commented on how the other is not at all what we thought our husband/wife would be like. It's funny how when we pray for something particular God brings us something even better than we could imagine. We knew right away that this relationship was different and that we finally had found what we had been waiting for.

We also discovered that the San Francisco Bay Area, especially the city itself, is a very romantic place to live and an even more romantic place to be in love. There are so many wonderful things to do here, and we love it!

The Proposal

Nigel and I knew rather quickly (within a couple months) that we would eventually marry, so I knew a proposal was coming. Actually, I told him he had to wait until we had been together at least three months. Not sure quite why I chose three. That would put the date for him to propose somewhere in May, since I knew he wouldn't wait any longer than that. And since we picked out the ring together in April, I knew it was coming.

May would bring him three prime days for proposing: my birthday is May 11, our 3rd dating "monthiversary" was May 17, and his birthday is May 18. Knowing the romantic he is, I suspected he would pick one of them. However, he did a great job in catching me by surprise (and I am hard to surprise).

He had asked me to keep the mornings of our birthdays open so we could go up to San Damiano to pray before the days started. San Damiano is a Benedictine retreat on a mountain above Danville, overlooking the entire valley. It's a beautiful place, quiet and lush, where I always feel God's close presence.

On my birthday, Nigel picked me up at my house at 8:30 am to take me to Peet's for coffee before heading up there. When I got in his car, it smelled like food. I asked him about it, and he said the reason he'd been a bit late is because his mom had asked him to pick up some food and bring it over before he headed out for the day. That was a reasonable answer, and I had no reason to question it.

We got to Peet's, and as we were standing in line I noticed Nigel had a funny look on his face. It looked like he was sick, actually. I asked him about it and he agreed that he'd woken up not feeling 100%. Ok. Also reasonable. Yet I was starting to suspect something was up.

When we got to the top of San Damiano and parked the car, he opened the door and asked me to go ahead to our spot and he'd be behind me in a minute. I knew then that something was up, but it was my birthday after all.

I got to the deck overlooking the valley where we always go to pray and he arrived shortly after, arms loaded with food and gifts. It was then I realized he had made up the story about his mom needing food! He handed me the gifts and told me to start opening them.

Honestly, I still can't remember what they all were, except for something lavender scented (my fave) and a beautiful white antique-looking photo box. Because after I finished, and thanked him, he asked if I liked them. I said yes, and he stuck his hand in his pocket and said, "Well, now for the grand finale." I gasped, lost my breath, and started crying as he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. Of course I said yes! He had even brought orange juice in an empty wine bottle to celebrate, breakfast style! He also had pancakes (my favorite), eggs benedict, toast, and potatoes O'brien, all from Fature Nature's, a great little restaurant in Danville.

As I tried to compose myself, happy and shaking, I called my dad to tell him the news. He was excited and very happy for us, as was Donni, and as I put Nigel on the phone he pointed up behind me. I gave him the phone and turned around, only to see Deana, Bill, and Jen walking by (who also work in the youth ministry at CPC). It turns out they were having a meeting up there, and got to be the first to see us after getting engaged!

The rest of the day was amazing. I got to tell my women's ministry small group about a half hour later at our end-of-the-year brunch, and as they were all gushing over me I was given the microphone and asked by the MC to tell the story to the whole room!

Then I went downstairs to my desk where flowers were awaiting me (it was my birthday, you know!) and told the story some more. Then on to a Giants game in San Francisco with GREAT seats.

After the game we stopped by Nigel's mom's house to tell them, then He surprised me with dinner at Il Fornaio, a fancy Italian restaurant that I had been wanting to go to for months. After they gave us each a free glass of champagne to celebrate, it was on to another surprise--Nigel had bought tickets to the musical Beauty and the Beast at the theater just down the street, with seats in the 3rd row! It was an amazing show, too.

So by the end of the day, I was exhausted yet definitely felt like a princess who had been swept off her feet by her knight in shining armor. I will never forget it.

We had already talked about our dream wedding and knew it would be at a vineyard in California, as we had both always wanted an outdoor wedding. We set the date for October 8th, 2006.

This new day

It is an historic day in America, a day when our first African-American president takes his oath of office. A day in which many place their hope for their future success and prosperity and the prosperity of our country in the hands of a man. One man.

Yet, I know that ultimately it is God who is sovereign. God has a purpose through the presidency of Barack Obama, and He has a purpose for America. And whether Obama is a willing vessel or not, God can and will use him to further His purposes for humanity as a whole. We need to remember, however, that it is God who is in control. God has "pulled the financial rug out from under us" as Kay Arthur predicted in the Precepts video I watched this morning (recorded years ago). God has allowed and planned for this time in America's history. He knows the struggles of our nation, and the struggles of each individual. Yet He desires for us to do the one thing that will help - turn back to Him.

Yet we need to turn to Him alone, not Obama, or Rick Warren, our own pastors, or anyone else for our hope and purpose. God alone has the answers. God alone is in command, and it is through God alone that justice will one day reign and we will all be called to account for how we chose to spend our time here on this earth.

I found great encouragement in Obama's inaugural address today. I believe God will use him, and I pray that he is leaning on God's strength and wisdom for guidance in these times. None of us know what is coming, only God does. And He's far smarter than I am, so I will not question His timing or plans for our country.

I will, however, continue to pray.

I pray that the selfish greed that has America ensnared will be brought to light for what it is: sin. I pray that we learn to disagree and dialogue with each other in a civil and loving way, rather than bash each other for differing opinions. I pray for repentance of all for the ways which we have sought to serve ourselves and not God. I pray for forgiveness and mercy for the wrongs we have committed against each other and against God. I pray for guidance to understand more fully the identity I have found and that all can find in Jesus Christ alone. I pray for eyes to be opened and veils of selfishness and lies to be ripped away. I pray for more love and generosity to ooze out of my life and the lives of all who know the saving grace of Jesus Christ, so that no one can deny its power or truth. And I pray all of it in the name of the One who is the Savior, Righteous One, Lover of my soul, and Hearer of my prayers, Jesus. Amen.

Merry Christmas!

Make a Smilebox greeting

Definitions...

This is going to be a short post. But I had a lightbulb moment yesterday. It wasn't prompted by anything, but came just the same. The dictionary is full of words. What is interesting is how people will take a word, and twist it and pull it and prod it until it no longer means the same thing in a culture. I do not personally agree with that, especially when it's done purposefully with ill intentions and to manipulate others.

The word that came to my head? Tolerance. I believe it is something God wants us to practice. However, do you know what the actual definition(s) of this word is/are? Here is a fair sample:

1. a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward opinions and practices that differ from one's own.

2. interest in and concern for ideas, opinions, practices, etc., foreign to one's own; a liberal, undogmatic viewpoint.

3. a permissible difference; allowing some freedom to move within limits

Nowhere in any of those does tolerance mean agreement with or affirmation or condoning of another's differing opinions, practices, or beliefs.

What is God's command to me and all humans? Love one another. That's it. I love my brother and others in my life who have chosen courses that I disagree with. That God would disagree with, too. And they love me even when they disagree. So that would be tolerance. Tolerance is not agreeing with, affirming, and wholeheartedly supporting all the actions of everyone else. God does not call us to that.

I've heard this said many times over the years: the Gospel itself is offensive to many. That is true. And it is not affirming of all actions of people. Yet God, and His Word, and His son Jesus Christ, love and tolerate all people, all the while hoping they will turn from their worldly ways back to the One who created them. Do you know why the Gospel is offensive to many? Because it in itself states there is a God, therefore there is truth. And most of today's culture doesn't want to hear that.

Granted, we should not be disrespectfully shoving God's commands in people's faces who don't know Him. As a wise man I listened to recently said: "It is the Holy Spirit's job to convict, it is God's job to judge, and it is our job to love." (Andrew Marin, speaking to the National Youth Worker's convention on how to minister to teenagers and others in the gay community)

Tolerance doesn't require me to agree with sexual and other sin, other religions that deny the God I know, politicians who lie about themselves and each other to get elected, or anything else that God disagrees with. But God does require me to love all of those involved. And He always grants me just the right amount of grace to deal with each situation I face in this life.

Ok, so that wasn't so short. And I feel like I could go for a long time and not exhaust the subject. But there's no need for that, because if you want to know more God has all the answers!

What I'm Fighting For

Ok, so I saw someone else do this and was intrigued what would happen if I tried it. Hmmm...I'm posting it, so obviously it was interesting! If you want some fun times, try it yourself with these directions and post it to your Facebook/Blog:

1. Put your iTunes on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS! (except if you get a "Track 5" or something in a language you don't know)

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Anthem

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
The One I'm Waiting For

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Morningstar

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Making Memories of Us (so true - working on our wedding album in bits and pieces today)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE
Heart and Soul

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Call On Jesus (WOW!!!)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Holy, Holy, Holy (Not so sure about that one, but anyway)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
More

WHAT IS 2+2?
Majesty

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Beyond Compare (Yup, He sure is!!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE/LOVE?
Wonder of it All (Yes, I am still in awe at all that Nigel is)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
The River

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Strangers in the Night (huh?!?)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
It Is Well With My Soul (smiles)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
I Stand For You

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Time That Is Left (not really, but it's appropriate anyway!)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Glory in the Highest (I hope so - it's an amazing worship song)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Good Morning Beautiful (at least Nigel thinks so)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
American Dream

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Parade (Yes, I think it would be a fun parade too!!)

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Be My Escape

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
O Holy Night (on Christmas??)

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
To Make You Feel My Love

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
I Have A Dream (he he he, yeah, because my dreams are crazy!!!)

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
The Name of the Game

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Grace Flows Down (SOOO awesome - as the thing that made me realize I would marry Nigel was the night that he was a human reflection of God's grace to me - not kidding)

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
You've Been So Good (not sure about that one...)

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Here I Am (Guess I like myself!)

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Feeling Like Someone In Love (huh??)

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
House of God (yes, especially the house of God I worship at with all the Prop 8, Prop 4, and denominational stuff going on)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
What I'm Fighting For