New design, renewed inspiration

I finally have a new blog design, yay! And it looks like it's doing what it's supposed to. I was having a lot of trouble with my former design, so here's to a fresh start for all the posts I have in my head to write.

Our miracle baby

This is the story of how we found out we were pregnant, along with a little of the background into our infertility diagnosis a couple years ago. We are still amazed at how God is working in us and this situation - truly a miracle on multiple levels.

January 29, 2010

Nigel and I were attending the Northern California Prayer Summit in Concord, CA the weekend of January 28 - 30. Daniel Henderson and Alice Moss were leading it. It was an amazing three days of worship and prayer and seeking God’s face with others. Friday, the 2nd day, was quite an amazing day for me/us. At the first large group session that morning, Daniel read Psalm 113. The last verse says:

Psalm 113:9 He makes the barren woman abide in the house as a joyful mother of children.

Praise the LORD!

I knew as soon as he quit reading it that it was a message for me from God. Yet I wondered why now?

The background story

We had tried unsuccessfully for a year to get pregnant, only to go through infertility testing and be told that our chances of conceiving naturally were pretty small. When my doctor gave us the results, he shared that he felt our best chance for success would be in vitro, even though we had told him that wasn’t an option for us. I responded with something along the lines of: “You and I both know who the Creator of life is. It’s not doctors or scientists in a lab – only God can create a life. You’re not saying our chances are zero, though even that wouldn’t be too much for God to overcome. When it’s His timing for us to have a baby we will. Risking upward of $20,000 on IVF, if now is not God’s timing, won’t get us pregnant. And that’s a risk we don't want to and can't afford to take.”

We let go of the idea of getting pregnant at that point. We left it in God’s hands, firmly believing if that’s how He wanted to give us a child then He would make it happen for us. Otherwise, He would bring us a child through adoption. At this point, a year and a half had passed since that diagnosis.

More confirmation

I had realized earlier on the morning of Jan. 29^th that I might be late. I'd been so busy that I hadn't noticed. Yet I refused to believe I might be pregnant – I didn’t want to get my hopes up yet again only to be severely disappointed.

Well, God wanted me to know that He was serious, so He made it VERY clear what He was trying to say to me. We headed off to our small groups, men with men and women with women. As I sat there, knowing God had something to do in me in that time, I felt overwhelmed and knew the Holy Spirit would prompt me when the time was right.

An hour or so later, toward the end of our small group time, Alice was about to pray for a woman for fear and anxiety in her life. She felt there might be someone else who needed prayer for that, and I literally jumped from my chair and said, "That's me!" Weird. I never do things like that. Apparently this is what God wanted me to see.

So I went over and prayed for the woman, who then got up and prayed for me. At the same time, I was wondering what, exactly, my fear was. I was prayed for, and then I went back and sat down. I realized as I sat back down in my chair that mostly it was a fear of never being able to get pregnant, and then also a fear of being pregnant (mostly doctors and hospitals in general). Yet I shared that with no one.

A few minutes later, as the session was winding down, I was pondering my lack of faith through fear in general and specifically related to getting pregnant. A sweet woman, who I’ve never talked to before, walked over to me and told me she had a word from the Lord for me. She said to me, "The Lord wants to tell you that He will birth in you that which you are afraid He won't birth in you." I started shaking and crying, wondering if it meant what I thought it meant, and as if to confirm, she asked, "You've been trying to get pregnant, haven't you?" WOW!!!! Ok God, you've REALLY got my attention now.

Nigel and I talked just after this before lunch. We both got really excited, but then out of fear of it not being real decided to contain our excitement until we knew “for sure”. Meaning, I’d take a pregnancy test after the summit ended.

Just to make sure I'd heard Him, Psalm 113 was read AGAIN that night in the last large group session, by a different man. God just kept reaffirming what my heart already knew, even though I couldn’t believe it.

January 30

We headed back to the summit the next morning, full of faith and wondering what was in store for us. I had calculated and figured I was about two weeks late. Two whole weeks! That has never happened before.

In the women's group we had a sweet, sweet time of basking in Jesus' love for us. As I was kneeling in the silence with my eyes closed, I had a vision of Jesus behind me, and then He put His arms around me and told me, "I love you and you WILL bear a child. I will give you a child." All right, I believe it now even more.

I love how God knew so well my heart and my fears and that He loved me enough to make it abundantly clear that I would bear a child. It still remained to be seen if it would be now. In my flesh, anyway, I still doubted it.

After the summit ended that afternoon, we stopped at CVS for a pregnancy test. This time, I bought the test that actually says "pregnant" or "not pregnant." I really already knew the answer, so wanted the fun readout on the test.

January 31

I awoke at 2:30 am for a trip to the bathroom. I decided to do the test. The results, said to take 3 minutes, showed up in about 10-20 seconds. I"M PREGNANT!!!!! I already knew in my heart that I was, but there was the confirmation, right on the little test!

I went back to bed, bumping my knee on the end of the bed and startling Nigel. I turned on the light before crawling into bed, a very strange thing for me to do. He knew something was up. I played it off, pretending to be sad/indifferent. He thought I was going to say the test was negative. When I said, "I'm pregnant" he started giggling like a little kid!

We laid awake until 4:30 am dreaming about what is ahead, in awe at the miracle already growing inside me. No wonder I'd felt weird the last couple weeks. We wondered whether it's a boy or girl. We kind of hope it's a girl, but want a healthy baby regardless.

We got up at 6:45 to get ready for church. Short night of sleep!!! But I was on cloud nine, for sure! As we were rehearsing and worshipping, I just felt this immense sense of joy and excitement and gratefulness to God for this blessing.

It is a miracle, a perfect example of His perfect love for us, and a demonstration of how waiting on His timing is the best thing we can do. The baby is expected at the end of September or beginning of October, and we know God will provide despite Nigel getting laid off. How God can love us this much really blows me away, and He deserves all the glory for this miracle in our lives.

A song I came across recently says it better than I can. Music has always been a strong form of expression for me, and this one is great – words from “What Faith Can Do” by Kutless:

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn’t ever end even when the sky is falling

I’ve seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard

Impossible is not a word

It’s just a reason for someone not to try

Everybody’s scared to death when they decide to take that step

Out on the water it’ll be all right

Life is so much more than what your eyes are seeing

You will find your way if you keep believing

Overcome the odds when you don’t have a chance

When the world says you can’t, it’ll tell you that you can

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.

8 Things

Ok Becky, I'll play too!

8 things I am looking forward to:
1. Houseboats on Lake Shasta in two weeks
2. Visiting "home" in October
3. Having children or adopting someday (hopefully soon)
4. Camping over the 4th of July
5. Going to San Francisco tomorrow - I love visiting the city
6. Finally seeing the Twins play the A's in Oakland
7. Continuing to be married to Nigel for the rest of my life
8. Someday living somewhere quieter and simpler

8 things I did yesterday:
1. Wii Fit for an hour
2. Taught 6 piano lessons
3. Researched possible website ideas for my designing
4. Had a YUMMY iced mocha from Bittersweet, my Wednesday treat
5. Found round-trip tickets to Fargo for $158 - may add a July trip in at that price
6. Made yummy goat curry - it tastes like beef to me but leaner
7. Crocheted
8. Farmed on Facebook

8 things I wish I could do:
1. Have a website custom designed for me
2. Not scream every time I see a spider
3. See Wicked while it's still in town
4. Finish seminary
5. Replace my wardrobe every season
6. Tolerate the heat out here in the summer
7. Witness a thunderstorm again
8. Still have all my MN friends close to me

8 shows I watch:
1. American Idol
2. Reba
3. 700 Club
4. Precepts for Life
5. Lie to Me
6. Wheel of Fortune
7. that's it, I don't watch much TV anymore

8 favorite fruits:
1. Strawberries
2. Blueberries
3. Watermelon
4. Rainier cherries
5. Apples
6. Oranges
7. Mangoes
8. Pineapple

8 places I'd like to travel to:
1. Pakistan
2. Italy (again, with Nigel this time)
3. Germany (with Nigel)
4. East coast, from Maine all the way down to South Carolina
5. Oregon
6. England
7. Thailand
8. A quiet island in the Caribbean

8 places I've lived:
1. New house on a farm
2. Old house on a farm
3. Dorm on college campus
4. Apartment on college campus
5. Spare room in a friend's house in a suburb
6. Spare room in a friend's house on a lake
7. House in a suburb
8. Apartment in a suburb

8 people I'm tagging:
1. Kathy
2. LaDonna
3. Kate
4. Jenna
5. Nigel
6. Misty
7. Jackie
8. Diana

Our God-written love story

I've been asked a lot again lately about how Nigel and I met (it was 3 years ago today). I looked back through my archives and realized I never posted the story! So here it is, our fabulous love story.

The Preface

Both Nigel and I had patiently, and sometimes not-so-patiently, been waiting for God to bring that special person into our lives to share our journey with.

Both of us, at the urging of friends, created Yahoo! Personals profiles. I created mine quite a few years ago when my roommate Lindsay recommended it after meeting her husband on it. Nigel created his only days before our story begins. However, neither of us had paid memberships, which meant we could browse through profiles but not actually communicate with anyone we found. And I hadn't logged on in a very long time because of this, and hadn't really updated my profile much either.

God at Work in 2006

One night Nigel had a couple of his guy friends over for dinner at his apartment. After dinner, two of them decided to log onto Yahoo! and browse some of the profiles for fun. For those of you who aren't familiar with these types of sites, I'll give you a bit of info to help you out. Usually, you can browse people by age, geographic location, and sometimes other things. Yahoo! allows much more detailed searches: within a certain radius of a zip code, particular height, weight, hair color, smoker/non-smoker, Christian/non-Christian, likes, income, and many other search criteria. On this night, Nigel entered the geographic region near him, and found my profile.

The picture I had posted was of me working at Starbucks in Minnesota a couple years ago. He read and was intrigued by the profile, saw I lived in Danville and worked in youth ministry, and called to his friend Joel in the other room: "Hey Joel, this girl works at a church in Danville - do you happen to know her?" As it turns out, Joel was a volunteer in the youth ministry I was working with at CPC in Danville. Coincidence that he was there that night? Nope. Neither Nigel nor I believe in coincidences. In fact we call them God-incidences.

Joel came in the room and peered over Nigel's shoulder and said, loudly in Nigel's ear: "That's Jackie Schaunaman!!!" So Nigel asked Joel if he thought I would give him my e-mail address so we could write to each other.

Another God-incidence occurred the very next morning. I happened to be walking from my house near the church to the youth office at the church to pick something up when I ran into Joel. On a Saturday morning! He was there for a random reason as well, and mentioned Nigel and what had transpired the night before. I said I wouldn't mind Nigel writing to me and gave him my e-mail address. After all, it wouldn't hurt anything, right? And I had nothing to lose by it.

Due to a death in Nigel's family, however, he actually didn't get to writing until he thought about it on Valentine's Day. So he sent off an e-mail, only to have it returned because Joel had gotten the address wrong. On February 15, I did finally get an e-mail from Nigel, and over the next couple days we exchanged a few more.

The Meeting

Nigel had been planning a dinner at his house for Friday the 17th and had invited some friends over, including Joel. He decided to invite me, but due to a commitment to a couple students I was staying with for the weekend, I had to say maybe depending on their schedules.

As Friday came, both the kids ended up with plans for the evening, so I called Joel to see what he thought about my going to the party and to confirm he would be there. He had actually decided not to go until I said I wouldn't go unless he did. So he sacrificed his other plans and went, and I called Nigel to let him know I would be there and to get directions.

I was nervous - after all, I was taking yet another risk. Plus, I had no idea what Nigel looked like, what he did for a living, or how old he was. But I decided the risk was worth it. After getting lost due to bad directions (he, he, he!) I finally made it and Joel came down to walk me up. Nigel didn't come to the door, because as it turns out he was too nervous about how the evening would go. We did say hello and he gave me a hug, and I immediately felt comfortable with him.

At the end of the night, the other guests left one by one until I was the only one left. I debated leaving, not sure how I felt about being in this man's apartment who I hadn't met before, but somehow I knew I could trust him. And I was eager to get to know more about him and share stories. It went well, and he talked to me for my whole drive home.

Nigel decided to wait a bit to call me, unsure of what to do next. Well, I took the guesswork out of it and called him the next day to see if he would like to watch a movie with me and a couple friends. He had plans, but we talked for a while and made plans for him to come to church with me the next day. Church turned into an entire day together, including a junior high soccer game, Transparency (a young adult ministry at Cornerstone that I was attending), coffee, and dinner at a Thai restaurant. The rest is history, as we've been together since!

Dating

Nigel and I quickly learned that while we are from different cultures and have eleven years between us, at the core we are more alike than we ever thought possible.

We have both commented on how the other is not at all what we thought our husband/wife would be like. It's funny how when we pray for something particular God brings us something even better than we could imagine. We knew right away that this relationship was different and that we finally had found what we had been waiting for.

We also discovered that the San Francisco Bay Area, especially the city itself, is a very romantic place to live and an even more romantic place to be in love. There are so many wonderful things to do here, and we love it!

The Proposal

Nigel and I knew rather quickly (within a couple months) that we would eventually marry, so I knew a proposal was coming. Actually, I told him he had to wait until we had been together at least three months. Not sure quite why I chose three. That would put the date for him to propose somewhere in May, since I knew he wouldn't wait any longer than that. And since we picked out the ring together in April, I knew it was coming.

May would bring him three prime days for proposing: my birthday is May 11, our 3rd dating "monthiversary" was May 17, and his birthday is May 18. Knowing the romantic he is, I suspected he would pick one of them. However, he did a great job in catching me by surprise (and I am hard to surprise).

He had asked me to keep the mornings of our birthdays open so we could go up to San Damiano to pray before the days started. San Damiano is a Benedictine retreat on a mountain above Danville, overlooking the entire valley. It's a beautiful place, quiet and lush, where I always feel God's close presence.

On my birthday, Nigel picked me up at my house at 8:30 am to take me to Peet's for coffee before heading up there. When I got in his car, it smelled like food. I asked him about it, and he said the reason he'd been a bit late is because his mom had asked him to pick up some food and bring it over before he headed out for the day. That was a reasonable answer, and I had no reason to question it.

We got to Peet's, and as we were standing in line I noticed Nigel had a funny look on his face. It looked like he was sick, actually. I asked him about it and he agreed that he'd woken up not feeling 100%. Ok. Also reasonable. Yet I was starting to suspect something was up.

When we got to the top of San Damiano and parked the car, he opened the door and asked me to go ahead to our spot and he'd be behind me in a minute. I knew then that something was up, but it was my birthday after all.

I got to the deck overlooking the valley where we always go to pray and he arrived shortly after, arms loaded with food and gifts. It was then I realized he had made up the story about his mom needing food! He handed me the gifts and told me to start opening them.

Honestly, I still can't remember what they all were, except for something lavender scented (my fave) and a beautiful white antique-looking photo box. Because after I finished, and thanked him, he asked if I liked them. I said yes, and he stuck his hand in his pocket and said, "Well, now for the grand finale." I gasped, lost my breath, and started crying as he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. Of course I said yes! He had even brought orange juice in an empty wine bottle to celebrate, breakfast style! He also had pancakes (my favorite), eggs benedict, toast, and potatoes O'brien, all from Fature Nature's, a great little restaurant in Danville.

As I tried to compose myself, happy and shaking, I called my dad to tell him the news. He was excited and very happy for us, as was Donni, and as I put Nigel on the phone he pointed up behind me. I gave him the phone and turned around, only to see Deana, Bill, and Jen walking by (who also work in the youth ministry at CPC). It turns out they were having a meeting up there, and got to be the first to see us after getting engaged!

The rest of the day was amazing. I got to tell my women's ministry small group about a half hour later at our end-of-the-year brunch, and as they were all gushing over me I was given the microphone and asked by the MC to tell the story to the whole room!

Then I went downstairs to my desk where flowers were awaiting me (it was my birthday, you know!) and told the story some more. Then on to a Giants game in San Francisco with GREAT seats.

After the game we stopped by Nigel's mom's house to tell them, then He surprised me with dinner at Il Fornaio, a fancy Italian restaurant that I had been wanting to go to for months. After they gave us each a free glass of champagne to celebrate, it was on to another surprise--Nigel had bought tickets to the musical Beauty and the Beast at the theater just down the street, with seats in the 3rd row! It was an amazing show, too.

So by the end of the day, I was exhausted yet definitely felt like a princess who had been swept off her feet by her knight in shining armor. I will never forget it.

We had already talked about our dream wedding and knew it would be at a vineyard in California, as we had both always wanted an outdoor wedding. We set the date for October 8th, 2006.

This new day

It is an historic day in America, a day when our first African-American president takes his oath of office. A day in which many place their hope for their future success and prosperity and the prosperity of our country in the hands of a man. One man.

Yet, I know that ultimately it is God who is sovereign. God has a purpose through the presidency of Barack Obama, and He has a purpose for America. And whether Obama is a willing vessel or not, God can and will use him to further His purposes for humanity as a whole. We need to remember, however, that it is God who is in control. God has "pulled the financial rug out from under us" as Kay Arthur predicted in the Precepts video I watched this morning (recorded years ago). God has allowed and planned for this time in America's history. He knows the struggles of our nation, and the struggles of each individual. Yet He desires for us to do the one thing that will help - turn back to Him.

Yet we need to turn to Him alone, not Obama, or Rick Warren, our own pastors, or anyone else for our hope and purpose. God alone has the answers. God alone is in command, and it is through God alone that justice will one day reign and we will all be called to account for how we chose to spend our time here on this earth.

I found great encouragement in Obama's inaugural address today. I believe God will use him, and I pray that he is leaning on God's strength and wisdom for guidance in these times. None of us know what is coming, only God does. And He's far smarter than I am, so I will not question His timing or plans for our country.

I will, however, continue to pray.

I pray that the selfish greed that has America ensnared will be brought to light for what it is: sin. I pray that we learn to disagree and dialogue with each other in a civil and loving way, rather than bash each other for differing opinions. I pray for repentance of all for the ways which we have sought to serve ourselves and not God. I pray for forgiveness and mercy for the wrongs we have committed against each other and against God. I pray for guidance to understand more fully the identity I have found and that all can find in Jesus Christ alone. I pray for eyes to be opened and veils of selfishness and lies to be ripped away. I pray for more love and generosity to ooze out of my life and the lives of all who know the saving grace of Jesus Christ, so that no one can deny its power or truth. And I pray all of it in the name of the One who is the Savior, Righteous One, Lover of my soul, and Hearer of my prayers, Jesus. Amen.

Merry Christmas!

Make a Smilebox greeting

Definitions...

This is going to be a short post. But I had a lightbulb moment yesterday. It wasn't prompted by anything, but came just the same. The dictionary is full of words. What is interesting is how people will take a word, and twist it and pull it and prod it until it no longer means the same thing in a culture. I do not personally agree with that, especially when it's done purposefully with ill intentions and to manipulate others.

The word that came to my head? Tolerance. I believe it is something God wants us to practice. However, do you know what the actual definition(s) of this word is/are? Here is a fair sample:

1. a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward opinions and practices that differ from one's own.

2. interest in and concern for ideas, opinions, practices, etc., foreign to one's own; a liberal, undogmatic viewpoint.

3. a permissible difference; allowing some freedom to move within limits

Nowhere in any of those does tolerance mean agreement with or affirmation or condoning of another's differing opinions, practices, or beliefs.

What is God's command to me and all humans? Love one another. That's it. I love my brother and others in my life who have chosen courses that I disagree with. That God would disagree with, too. And they love me even when they disagree. So that would be tolerance. Tolerance is not agreeing with, affirming, and wholeheartedly supporting all the actions of everyone else. God does not call us to that.

I've heard this said many times over the years: the Gospel itself is offensive to many. That is true. And it is not affirming of all actions of people. Yet God, and His Word, and His son Jesus Christ, love and tolerate all people, all the while hoping they will turn from their worldly ways back to the One who created them. Do you know why the Gospel is offensive to many? Because it in itself states there is a God, therefore there is truth. And most of today's culture doesn't want to hear that.

Granted, we should not be disrespectfully shoving God's commands in people's faces who don't know Him. As a wise man I listened to recently said: "It is the Holy Spirit's job to convict, it is God's job to judge, and it is our job to love." (Andrew Marin, speaking to the National Youth Worker's convention on how to minister to teenagers and others in the gay community)

Tolerance doesn't require me to agree with sexual and other sin, other religions that deny the God I know, politicians who lie about themselves and each other to get elected, or anything else that God disagrees with. But God does require me to love all of those involved. And He always grants me just the right amount of grace to deal with each situation I face in this life.

Ok, so that wasn't so short. And I feel like I could go for a long time and not exhaust the subject. But there's no need for that, because if you want to know more God has all the answers!

What I'm Fighting For

Ok, so I saw someone else do this and was intrigued what would happen if I tried it. Hmmm...I'm posting it, so obviously it was interesting! If you want some fun times, try it yourself with these directions and post it to your Facebook/Blog:

1. Put your iTunes on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS! (except if you get a "Track 5" or something in a language you don't know)

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Anthem

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
The One I'm Waiting For

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Morningstar

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Making Memories of Us (so true - working on our wedding album in bits and pieces today)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE
Heart and Soul

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Call On Jesus (WOW!!!)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Holy, Holy, Holy (Not so sure about that one, but anyway)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
More

WHAT IS 2+2?
Majesty

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Beyond Compare (Yup, He sure is!!)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE/LOVE?
Wonder of it All (Yes, I am still in awe at all that Nigel is)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
The River

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Strangers in the Night (huh?!?)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
It Is Well With My Soul (smiles)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
I Stand For You

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Time That Is Left (not really, but it's appropriate anyway!)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Glory in the Highest (I hope so - it's an amazing worship song)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Good Morning Beautiful (at least Nigel thinks so)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
American Dream

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Parade (Yes, I think it would be a fun parade too!!)

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Be My Escape

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
O Holy Night (on Christmas??)

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
To Make You Feel My Love

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
I Have A Dream (he he he, yeah, because my dreams are crazy!!!)

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
The Name of the Game

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Grace Flows Down (SOOO awesome - as the thing that made me realize I would marry Nigel was the night that he was a human reflection of God's grace to me - not kidding)

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
You've Been So Good (not sure about that one...)

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Here I Am (Guess I like myself!)

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Feeling Like Someone In Love (huh??)

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
House of God (yes, especially the house of God I worship at with all the Prop 8, Prop 4, and denominational stuff going on)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
What I'm Fighting For

The hottest topic in CA these days: Part 1

I know it's been a really long time since I posted anything here. Part of it is Facebook, and the fact that I keep in touch with so many of you there. Yet sometimes, I need to write something that's much longer and more important.

I've been debating for a while whether I wanted to write this post or not. I know it might bring very bad things my way. But a very brave friend wrote a very brave message and has inspired me to do the same. And this is my blog, where I can speak my feelings on something and hope that God's truth is the only thing that shines through. So I will take the risk.

I know that many of you who read this are not from California. Though I also know you've probably all heard about the 4 rogue judges who legalized gay marriage this past spring. Well, on the ballot in November is Proposition 8. Here is the text of the Proposition, exactly as it will appear on the ballot:

"Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid and recognized in California."

That's it. It's good and bad. If you show up at the polls and haven't done your research, this may look discriminatory to some (especially here in the Bay Area). And of course, that's what those who oppose it are saying. However, it's not the truth, and there is a lot being left unsaid. A yes vote on Prop. 8, according to http://www.protectmarriage.com , does 3 things:

" * It restores the definition of marriage to what the vast majority of California voters already approved and what Californians agree should be supported, not undermined.

* It overturns the outrageous decision of four activist Supreme Court judges who ignored the will of the people.

* It protects our children from being taught in public schools that “same-sex marriage” is the same as traditional marriage, and prevents other consequences to Californians who will be forced to not just be tolerant of gay lifestyles, but face mandatory compliance regardless of their personal beliefs. "

And there it is, plain and simple. The voters have already, on more than one occasion, voted for traditional marriage. If this doesn't pass, not only will everyone be mandated to be tolerant (read: their definition of tolerance is NOT the same as a biblical definition - it is much broader), but forced into compliance regardless of our personal, religious or otherwise, beliefs. Pastors who refuse to marry gay couples could be sued and their churches could lose their tax exempt status. The Bible could be challenged as hate speech (this is already happening in other countries, as close as Canada). Children will be forced to learn about it in school, regardless of the beliefs of their families. This is already happening in Massachusetts. And freedom of religion will start to be restricted based on outcries of discrimination (also happening in Canada).

The truth: marriage, in cultures across the globe and throughout human history, has
been defined as between one man and one woman. Why would anyone try to argue that? The reassuring factor is that we know in the end by the assurance of God's Word that good triumphs. Yet we also know that the enemies of God will continue to try to gain ground on earth. This is another way that the enemy is trying to gain ground and silence the church.

I am not intolerant. I am not hateful toward gays or supporters of gay marriage. I do hate, however, that because I am a professing, Bible-believing Christian, I'm being lumped into a group that is being labeled a discriminating, lying, homophobic, evil, hateful, closed-minded bunch of bigots. Seriously. I even read of someone who has struggled with thoughts of rear-ending people who have a "Yes on Proposition 8" bumper sticker on their car. Tolerance is what the opposing side says they want. Yet tolerance is a two-way street. I am labeled all these horrible things because I am a Christian. No other reason. I haven't done anything to any of the people labeling me to make them think I am like that. In fact most of them don't know me and never will. I think the actions they are displaying are sad, and grossly unfair, as well as hateful, lying, discriminating, and closed-minded. Just what they're saying about me (and all Christians).

So here's what I DO think and believe. I believe marriage is a sacred, God-ordained covenant between a man and a woman. I believe He created marriage and has the final say on what marriage is. I believe God calls every human being, which He created, to love every other human being.

I think this is a scary time for religious freedom in California, and if Prop. 8 doesn't pass it may set a precedent for much of the country. I am scared to talk about this in public. I've witnessed many people get into hateful, God-dishonoring arguments about it in public places and online. Especially online. I believe in the right to practice one's religion without governmental mandates to silence your beliefs. I believe in freedom of speech.

I believe that morality is mandated by God, not man, and our laws typically reflect the morality and values set forth in God's Word. I believe in the right of all people to visit those they love in the hospital (one of the arguing points of the gay community, saying they are denied this right). I believe that if someone chooses to spend his or her life loving someone of the same sex, that they should get the same legal, health, and tax benefits heterosexual couples do. I also believe it is an eternal issue, and that it is not my place to judge them or point fingers if I don't agree with their choice of lifestyle. I believe it is my obligation to love them and treat them as Jesus would treat them.

There. I said it. The bottom line is the golden rule, which all people regardless of their faith preference seem to agree with: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And for me, that means treat others the way Jesus would treat them, even if it's sometimes difficult to do so.

I wish there could be more positive dialogue about Proposition 8. The mayor of San Francisco, Gavin Newsom, is spewing the same hateful speech about us that so many others are. Which is making the others do it even more, feeling they are being supported by the mayor. We are not trying to take away equal legal rights for domestic partners (which, by the way, they already have). We are not trying to discriminate. We are trying to keep a sacred, faith-based definition of marriage just that, sacred. Call it a civil union, call it something else. Just leave marriage in it's God-ordained, history proven sense, alone. And let Christians be Christians and practice our faith how we believe it to be.

And at judgement day, we will be rewarded for our standing on the one and only truth:

"Jesus answered, "I am THE way and THE truth and THE life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6 (emphasis mine)

My heart is overjoyed

With a title like that, you all are probably expecting some big announcement from me. Specifically, I know a lot of you are waiting for me to tell you I'm pregnant. Well, I have no big news, and we're still trying. So why am I overjoyed?

My heart is overjoyed because today, for no one reason, I can tangibly, physically feel my Savior's love for me. I felt it in Emma's hugs and kisses as I took care of her today (I pray I have a child that loving). What a blessing to be a caretaker for such a sweet little girl who is just shy of 3 years old.

I felt it when I found out that Arcade Church's women's prayer summit next year is going to be at San Damiano retreat center in Danville, right in my church's backyard! It is also where Nigel proposed. I've been wanting to go every year, as have some of my friends and some women I know from CPC. Amazing, that the opportunity is going to be so close that all of them will be able to say yes!

I felt it when I was reminded of our mission, mine and Nigel's - to share the joy and blessing of worship-based prayer wherever God has us. CPC is doing a series from Nehemiah right now, and there are bricks outside that you can write your name and mission on. Then they are actually being built into a wall. I wrote our names on a brick with worship-based prayer/ There are probably only a handful of people at our large church that have ever even heard of worship-based prayer. But we know God is keeping us at CPC for that mission.

I felt it when I got home from work and saw Nigel so peacefully taking a nap on our bed. What a blessing my husband is! And I really love watching him sleep. I rarely get to, as I'm always out the second my head hits the pillow at night, while he will lie awake for a while usually.

And I felt it again as I am reminded that God loves me, knows the desires of my heart, and will bless us with a child by some means when it is His timing. I do not doubt that for a second.

So, how have you felt God's love today? Something small, or something big? Remember to take enough time to feel it - He's there, waiting for you to pay attention, in every moment of your life.

The town I work in

I want to preface this with a couple things: one, I love Danville and its people for many, many reasons, not the least of which is that those that live there who Nigel and I call friends are wonderful, godly, generous, and kind people that don't really fit in the "Danville mentality" at all. And to tell you the truth, this isn't really so much about Danville itself as it is about any suburb of affluence in America. The root of this post is my frustration with American materialism, and in places like the Bay Area at large and Danville as part of it, materialism rules the day. So please, read this as a larger treatise on American affluence in general and the harm it's causing to the coming generations who in large part don't get to experience family life like it was when I was growing up.

It always astonishes me when I hear wives bashing their husbands, calling them lazy, inconsiderate, and unthoughtful. And bragging about their fancy cars, new houses, remodeling houses that are 10 years or less old, and complaining that their lives are hard and frustrating and unhappy. I hear that a lot, working at an antique shop in Danville, CA. But then I have to take a step back and remember the stereotypical Danville family. So here's a little background on this deceptively charming town for all of you who don't live here.

Danville is a very charming town in the East Bay, particularly the downtown area on Hartz Ave. The shop I work at on Hartz, Sweet Magnolia, is especially cute. It's in an old house built in the 1920's, now a historical landmark. The owners, Jill and Clay, are amazing and have a beautiful style - mostly French country in shades of white, ivory, country blue, sage green, and gray. I wish I could live here - it is exactly ME.

The other shops in the area are just as cute on the outside, and mostly on the inside, too. It really feels like you are stepping back in time when you come here. When I first moved to CA and lived in Danville, it's those things that I loved. It felt more like home to me than typical suburbia.

However, all this charm and beauty is deceptive. A single family home in this area, maybe 3 bedrooms and 2 baths, around 1500 sq ft, will easily run you $800,000, even in the housing slump. But most of the homes here are MUCH larger than that, and therefore buying a house here for under $1 million is rare.

So why do I say Danville has"deceptive charm"? Because underneath all of the beauty, class, carefully groomed appearances (people and buildings), are families that are struggling to hold it together. It is near impossible to make a mortgage payment here without two full-time incomes. And where does that leave many of the kids? In day care, or as they're older, home alone (or without their parents' knowledge not alone) while parents are virtually nonexistent.

It's no wonder the girls in my freshman small group are literally begging for us to set boundaries for them. Boundaries equal safety and security, and in order for these kids to grow up, they need that. At their ages, they can't developmentally make sound decisions like adults because they lack the abstract reasoning necessary to see consequences and ripple effects, much less care about what those consequences might be.

And the school system here is tough on the students. First graders come home with 2-3 hours of homework a night. So where does that leave high schoolers? With more homework than one night will allow, every night, weekend, holiday, break, and summer vacation. Yup, they get assignments for their new classes in the fall to start over the summer. So even if they happen to be in one of the fortunate families where at least one of their parents are home even a good part of the time, they are so bogged down with homework that there is no time left for any kind of family life. And forget the days of high achievers getting a 4.0. Today, for a CA student to get accepted into a CA university, they need GPAs in the range of 4.6+. That means advanced, weighted, often college-level classes with even MORE homework.

And I didn't even mention the enormous expectations of coaches and arts directors for those kids who are talented in athletics, art, music, or drama. And you know what really stinks about that? You have to be really talented to even take part in most of the extra curricular activities because there is so much competition. If you want to play soccer, you better start when you're 7 or 8 so that by the time you're in junior high you're good enough to make a team. What happened to trying things and being involved in things just because you enjoy them even if you're not the best, fastest, or prettiest/most handsome? And again, only well-rounded students (unless they are in a racial minority) get accepted into CA schools. The pressure is far too high for students today to not just perform, but excell. They don't even get to enjoy being a kid anymore.

So why do people live here? Materialism. Status. Proximity to wonderful things: 45 minutes to Napa Valley, 45 minutes to the ocean, 30 minutes to San Francisco, 3.5 hours to Lake Tahoe (where many have cabins, mind you), 3 hours to Yosemite, and an $80 round trip flight to LA and all of its "wonders".

Yes, I am a true small town country girl from the middle of nowhere, trying to make sense of this area God has us living in, even though Nigel and I feel very out of place. And trying to minister to severely hurting kids. The problem is, I cannot replace their parents. They drop their kids off with the expectation that all their spiritual teaching comes from us, while never having conversations about anything with their kids at home. It's hard, hard, hard, heartbreaking work for us.

Yet it is a calling, so with God's wisdom and strength I press on, doing what I am able to do with these girls. I love them and want to see them turn into godly, humble women that God can use greatly. So even when the uphill battle seems too impossible to win, I remember that God's strength and amazing ways are far greater than anything I could do on my own. After all, look at me and what He's done for me. I was at my absolute worst and He picked me up and made me new. What an awesome and amazing God I serve. And my faith in Him and His divine and unfathomable ways keeps us at CPC and keeps me working in Danville as well, even though at times we feel like we are on another planet.

Humility, sacrifice, and marriage

I am going through a Beth Moore study on Daniel with the women's ministry at my church. It's pretty amazing, and really stretches the brain, which I love. But in the midst of all the prophecies, kings, kings, and more kings, and end-time events, there are some solid, amazing lessons for life. This may take two posts, so I'll start with what I've learned this past week.

The video to begin week 11 (studying Daniel 11) talked about sacrifice vs. selfishness. Satan is constantly trying to get all of us to give up the sacrificial life. For "it is only in losing ourselves that we truly find ourselves," and Satan doesn't want us to know the truth about who we are in Christ and what good we are capable of doing in the world we live in. Beth Moore said that if we miss the sacrificial life we will miss our calling. Wow! I definitely don't want that to happen. I want to fully live as God intends for me to live, on a daily basis in all that I say and do.

She also said that sacrifice has to come at great cost to us. That's where I really began to apply what was being said. For most of us, the "cost" is our pride, though it could be something much more. We want it to be quick and easy, to give (monetarily or in service) out of our excess, not where it's hard. Here is a quote she included from C.S. Lewis: "Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind." I have been saying for years that I believe pride leads to every other sin, not knowing that C.S. Lewis said the same thing. Pride precedes greed, lust, stealing, cheating, and any other sin you can think of. Selfish pride. And we all have it.

Here's a practical application that most of you women that I know will appreciate. How does America portray a man who asks his wife to do something for him, even something small like get him a glass of water? Lazy, controlling, and womanizing. Hmmm. Interesting that we would hear that so often, yet it's SO WRONG! Explains where my instant subconscious defensiveness, though unfounded, comes from every time Nigel asks me to do something. Stubborn, selfish pride, fueled by our annoying and deceptive media.

I applied what I learned in the Bible study: sacrifice, true sacrifice, has to cost something. For me that is often pride. So I swallowed that pride and went our of my way to do extra things for Nigel this week. And I discovered something: it makes me like myself a lot more. I also discovered in the midst of it this week that Nigel's love language is acts of service. And all of a sudden all the puzzle pieces fell into place - he is always hoping that I'll do things before he asks me to, because it makes him feel loved. And when I don't, or grumble a little at doing something, it actually hurts him. Talk about switching my motivation! It's a lot easier to do things for someone when the result is that they feel extra loved.

Here is a little excerpt from fivelovelanguages.com about acts of service:

"Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love. Even simple things like laundry and taking out the trash require some form of planning, time, effort, and energy. Just as Jesus demonstrated when he washed the feet of his disciples, doing humble chores can be a very powerful expression of love and devotion to your mate.

Very often, both pairs in a couple will speak to the Acts of Service Language. However, it is very important to understand what acts of service your mate most appreciates. Even though couples are helping each other around the house, couples will still fight because the are unknowingly communicating with each other in two different dialects. For example, a wife may spend her day washing the cars and walking the dog, but if her husband feels that laundry and dishes are a superior necessity, he may feel unloved, despite the fact that his wife did many other chores throughout the day. It is important to learn your mate’s dialect and work hard to understand what acts of service will show your love.

It is important to do these acts of service out of love and not obligation. A mate who does chores and helps out around the house out of guilt or fear will inevitably not be speaking a language of love, but a language of resentment. It’s important to perform these acts out of the kindness of your heart.

Demonstrating the acts of service can mean stepping out of the stereotypes. Acts of service require both mates to humble themselves into doing some chores and services that aren’t usually expected from their gender. However, these little sacrifices will mean the world to your mate, and will ensure a happy relationship."

Now, I need to get Nigel to read the chapter on words of affirmation, because as it turns out, words definitely make or break my day. How do people like Gary Chapman come up with this stuff? I am thankful to God for leading him to write that book. It is sure helping my relationships! And my marriage to the most wonderful and humble man on earth.

My website is up!

I just finished my website for my design stuff. Actually, I discovered that I didn't have to have a .Mac account (a service you pay for) to create a website in iWeb. I love Macs!! In just under 5 hours (including testing, fixing, and republishing) I had a website done. It's great! Granted, if I could afford it, I would get one designed in my fave colors of blue and brown to match my logo, but this is free!

Check it out, and let me know what you think!

Jax Digital Design .com

or

Jackie Clemonds .com

I also have a blog there, which will be only about my design stuff. I may duplicate the posts here though. Have a great day!

My first album order!

I have my first album order as of last week. It's for a wedding I'm going to assist shooting on March 1. It's a start! I am very excited. I've also generated quite a bit of interest in my designs lately, so now it's just a matter of following up with all the contacts and marketing my work.

In the meantime, I'm working on a full website with galleries for my designs. It's very time-consuming, but with my new iMac everything is getting done faster!! Did I mention I FINALLY got a Mac? It's AMAZING!!!! What a difference it is making for me. A nice 20" widescreen LCD monitor saves on my eyes, and the idea of no more laptop is saving on my neck and back. Not to mention how fast it is!

Also, I've been very busy on more page designs. Here is one of my faves right now (and a shot of myself that I absolutely love as well). If you click on the image it will take you to the PicasaWeb album where there are some more.

From Nigel & Jacki...

I'll keep you all posted as I get more work done!

Christmas 2007

Click above image to view the album from our snowy Christmas adventure.

A hot topic on a blog...

Ok, I had to write in here about my thoughts on a topic I came across on a blog I've frequented for a while. It's about weddings and marriage, and people generally ask for advice about various things. This is a post I came across a few days ago:

"Just wondering...how many out there have lived with their FI's before tying the knot? For those that did, would you go back and wait if you could?

My hubby to be is planning to move in with me before the end of the year and to be completely honest...I'm a little scared freaking out!!! I've been on my own for a little over 2 years now and I LOVE it. I love having my own place/space and I'm really afraid of losing that. Is this nomal? Or could this be a major warning sign?"
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I waited a few more days thinking about it, and seeing what others would post. YIKES!!! I guess I've been in my Christian bubble a bit longer than I thought, as I had no idea that living together isn't really even frowned upon anymore. Which scares me. I think the enemy has so many couples right where he wants them to cause them so much pain.

So, there were 38 responses before I responded. Out of them, only 6 didn't live with their husbands before marriage. And no one mentioned much about any of the risks or reasons not to live together. So, I prayed, then wrote this:

"I, too am apparently in the minority here. I feel also that it is absolutely not necessary to live together before marriage, and even a risk to the relationship. However, every relationship is different and every person is different - we all make our own choices in life and have to deal with the outcome, good or bad. I am not meaning this to sound judgemental - it's not. Honestly how many people, women especially, look at the risks before moving in together when they're blindly in love?


My husband and I knew each other for only 8 months before we got married, which gave us no time to learn living habits. I was 29 and he was 40 on our wedding day, which is also when we shared our first kiss. We had both lived on our own for many years and were set in our ways, and yeah, I was worried about how hard it would be to live with someone. But I knew it would all be worth the wait. And while our faith in God and His perfect design for marriage was the overarching factor that set our decision, we also knew God designed it that way for OUR good and well-being.

I carried a lot of pain from kissing guys (and more) when I was younger - giving that physical piece takes a piece of your heart and bonds a part of you to that person forever, even if you later marry someone else. I think our wedding day was that much sweeter for all we saved for that day: first kiss (and everything else), and living together. I knew when I met him that my next and last first kiss and everything else would be with my husband.

We just celebrated a year, and are more in love than ever. It's a lot easier to accept and get used to someone's quirks and habits when you move in with them under the covenant commitment of marriage. There is a lot more motivation to compromise and be accepting, as you KNOW you are there forever. I love it!!! It's so wonderful not to have to part ways every night and say goodnight by phone, yet we are so unbelievably happy we waited until marriage for all that. Even our first kiss, which we have a beautiful pic of that we'll have forever as well!"
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Then came the comments back to me:

"just an FYI, you did come across as judgemental. No biggy, but just thought I'd let you know. ;)

No one should judge anyone else for their decisions on why or how they did things in their own personal lives. My hubby moved into my house within about 3 months of us starting to date...

...My marriage and life with my husband is very special to ME. Regardless of whether we lived together (and did all kinds of naughty things, too, mind ya!) prior to the marriage, that doesn't make the fact that we have made this amazing commitment to each other any less amazing. Not in my opinion, anyway."
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and this one:

"Not to be mean, but I don't understand your reasoning. I'd rather learn about a person's quirks before getting married because after that, you're "stuck" with them... you have no choice. What if after two people get married, they move in together and the woman finds out her husband is abusive? (it's happened before). What then? They're already married so it would be much more difficult to leave the relationship. I think it would be better to move in together before marriage and learn about those things so if you find out you're not compatible, you can leave the relationship without all of the consequences (legal and otherwise) that come along with a divorce. But maybe that's just me...

Also, let's be realistic. For some people, they have no choice because of financial reasons. Like I mentioned in my post earlier, my fiance and I had to move in together because I would have been homeless otherwise. I couldn't move back home with my parents (because they lived in a tiny little house without space for me to even sleep), and I definitely couldn't afford the $900+ per month rent for an apartment on my own (that's how much it costs here). I thoroughly believe that my fiance saved me by agreeing to move in together! He loved me so much that he didn't want to have to face the prospect of me quitting school and essentially ending up homeless. Just another reason why I love him! :) Maybe you were lucky and made very good money or your parents let you live with them for a long time. Not everyone has that luxury. You shouldn't be so judgmental (because you did come across that way even if you didn't intend to). I'm a Christian also, but I'm not that judgmental of people because I understand everyone's situations are different. My marriage will be just as special as yours even though my fiance and I chose to live together beforehand. We've been together for 6 years, and we're still going strong. He's my soul mate and nothing will change that. "
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So, I responded again:

"I guess it's harder than I thought to say what I mean without coming across the wrong way. I apologize if I sounded judgemental - really, I believe everyone has to make their own decisions, plus live with what comes of them, and I'm not going to judge anyone for that. It is not my right, or my place, to judge anyone. There's so much more to what I said that I could write a book, and there's just not enough space here for that.


So I'll address only what's been directed back to me: the first is the "being stuck with a guy with quirks/abusive qualities". True, you never know what could happen. And people change. My choice in my husband, however, wasn't just my choice. He was God's choice for me, and God is a lot smarter than I am. So I trust Him, and my husband. Sure, if someone was married and then discovered abusive qualities it would be harder than if they were not married, but it is my belief that it is still not the best choice to make to live together. And that is just what I believe - I don't hold it against someone who makes a different choice however.

As for financial reasons, if it is God's will that we hold off on things until marriage, He will provide another living situation, too. I am not rich (not even close!!! I've been wondering how the bills will get paid every month for years now), and my parents are 1500 miles away. In fact, two weeks after we got engaged my internship was up and I had no place to go. Originally, I had planned on going back to MN, but then my hubby entered the picture! :) . I still knew it wasn't right for us to live together, rent alone in the San Fran area is over $1000/month and that was out of the question, and that God would provide. So I asked God for help. And before I even started looking or posted anything, a family from my church approached me and offered me their spare room and bath until the wedding.

Sound too good to be true? Well, that wasn't the first time God provided me, literally, with shelter when I would have been without. It was the 4th time in 4 years. I had been laid off 3 times in a year and a half and every time someone offered, without me asking, a place to stay rent free.

I really, truly, and with my whole heart believe that God designed marriage the best way it could be, because He alone is perfect. And for my life, I've found that I'm a lot more content and happy if I'm listening to what God's telling me and doing my best to follow it.

Again, I apologize if anyone felt judged by what I said, I really am just speaking from my own heart about how and why we chose the timing we did."
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So what do you think? Should I have just kept my mouth shut? I was just trying to share how God's ways worked out best for us, maybe be a good example even if I am in the minority. And I know a lot of what I'm saying is falling on deaf ears anyway, so I'm trying not to take it personally. But really!!!! I can't believe that women are so blind and have really, truly, bought the lies our culture has been feeding them. It's sad, and I'm sure God is even sadder. Oh the lies women believe, that bring so much pain and heartache. I should know, I've had plenty of heartache from buying into lies in my relationships in the past.