New design, renewed inspiration

I finally have a new blog design, yay! And it looks like it's doing what it's supposed to. I was having a lot of trouble with my former design, so here's to a fresh start for all the posts I have in my head to write.

Our miracle baby

This is the story of how we found out we were pregnant, along with a little of the background into our infertility diagnosis a couple years ago. We are still amazed at how God is working in us and this situation - truly a miracle on multiple levels.

January 29, 2010

Nigel and I were attending the Northern California Prayer Summit in Concord, CA the weekend of January 28 - 30. Daniel Henderson and Alice Moss were leading it. It was an amazing three days of worship and prayer and seeking God’s face with others. Friday, the 2nd day, was quite an amazing day for me/us. At the first large group session that morning, Daniel read Psalm 113. The last verse says:

Psalm 113:9 He makes the barren woman abide in the house as a joyful mother of children.

Praise the LORD!

I knew as soon as he quit reading it that it was a message for me from God. Yet I wondered why now?

The background story

We had tried unsuccessfully for a year to get pregnant, only to go through infertility testing and be told that our chances of conceiving naturally were pretty small. When my doctor gave us the results, he shared that he felt our best chance for success would be in vitro, even though we had told him that wasn’t an option for us. I responded with something along the lines of: “You and I both know who the Creator of life is. It’s not doctors or scientists in a lab – only God can create a life. You’re not saying our chances are zero, though even that wouldn’t be too much for God to overcome. When it’s His timing for us to have a baby we will. Risking upward of $20,000 on IVF, if now is not God’s timing, won’t get us pregnant. And that’s a risk we don't want to and can't afford to take.”

We let go of the idea of getting pregnant at that point. We left it in God’s hands, firmly believing if that’s how He wanted to give us a child then He would make it happen for us. Otherwise, He would bring us a child through adoption. At this point, a year and a half had passed since that diagnosis.

More confirmation

I had realized earlier on the morning of Jan. 29^th that I might be late. I'd been so busy that I hadn't noticed. Yet I refused to believe I might be pregnant – I didn’t want to get my hopes up yet again only to be severely disappointed.

Well, God wanted me to know that He was serious, so He made it VERY clear what He was trying to say to me. We headed off to our small groups, men with men and women with women. As I sat there, knowing God had something to do in me in that time, I felt overwhelmed and knew the Holy Spirit would prompt me when the time was right.

An hour or so later, toward the end of our small group time, Alice was about to pray for a woman for fear and anxiety in her life. She felt there might be someone else who needed prayer for that, and I literally jumped from my chair and said, "That's me!" Weird. I never do things like that. Apparently this is what God wanted me to see.

So I went over and prayed for the woman, who then got up and prayed for me. At the same time, I was wondering what, exactly, my fear was. I was prayed for, and then I went back and sat down. I realized as I sat back down in my chair that mostly it was a fear of never being able to get pregnant, and then also a fear of being pregnant (mostly doctors and hospitals in general). Yet I shared that with no one.

A few minutes later, as the session was winding down, I was pondering my lack of faith through fear in general and specifically related to getting pregnant. A sweet woman, who I’ve never talked to before, walked over to me and told me she had a word from the Lord for me. She said to me, "The Lord wants to tell you that He will birth in you that which you are afraid He won't birth in you." I started shaking and crying, wondering if it meant what I thought it meant, and as if to confirm, she asked, "You've been trying to get pregnant, haven't you?" WOW!!!! Ok God, you've REALLY got my attention now.

Nigel and I talked just after this before lunch. We both got really excited, but then out of fear of it not being real decided to contain our excitement until we knew “for sure”. Meaning, I’d take a pregnancy test after the summit ended.

Just to make sure I'd heard Him, Psalm 113 was read AGAIN that night in the last large group session, by a different man. God just kept reaffirming what my heart already knew, even though I couldn’t believe it.

January 30

We headed back to the summit the next morning, full of faith and wondering what was in store for us. I had calculated and figured I was about two weeks late. Two whole weeks! That has never happened before.

In the women's group we had a sweet, sweet time of basking in Jesus' love for us. As I was kneeling in the silence with my eyes closed, I had a vision of Jesus behind me, and then He put His arms around me and told me, "I love you and you WILL bear a child. I will give you a child." All right, I believe it now even more.

I love how God knew so well my heart and my fears and that He loved me enough to make it abundantly clear that I would bear a child. It still remained to be seen if it would be now. In my flesh, anyway, I still doubted it.

After the summit ended that afternoon, we stopped at CVS for a pregnancy test. This time, I bought the test that actually says "pregnant" or "not pregnant." I really already knew the answer, so wanted the fun readout on the test.

January 31

I awoke at 2:30 am for a trip to the bathroom. I decided to do the test. The results, said to take 3 minutes, showed up in about 10-20 seconds. I"M PREGNANT!!!!! I already knew in my heart that I was, but there was the confirmation, right on the little test!

I went back to bed, bumping my knee on the end of the bed and startling Nigel. I turned on the light before crawling into bed, a very strange thing for me to do. He knew something was up. I played it off, pretending to be sad/indifferent. He thought I was going to say the test was negative. When I said, "I'm pregnant" he started giggling like a little kid!

We laid awake until 4:30 am dreaming about what is ahead, in awe at the miracle already growing inside me. No wonder I'd felt weird the last couple weeks. We wondered whether it's a boy or girl. We kind of hope it's a girl, but want a healthy baby regardless.

We got up at 6:45 to get ready for church. Short night of sleep!!! But I was on cloud nine, for sure! As we were rehearsing and worshipping, I just felt this immense sense of joy and excitement and gratefulness to God for this blessing.

It is a miracle, a perfect example of His perfect love for us, and a demonstration of how waiting on His timing is the best thing we can do. The baby is expected at the end of September or beginning of October, and we know God will provide despite Nigel getting laid off. How God can love us this much really blows me away, and He deserves all the glory for this miracle in our lives.

A song I came across recently says it better than I can. Music has always been a strong form of expression for me, and this one is great – words from “What Faith Can Do” by Kutless:

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn’t ever end even when the sky is falling

I’ve seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard

Impossible is not a word

It’s just a reason for someone not to try

Everybody’s scared to death when they decide to take that step

Out on the water it’ll be all right

Life is so much more than what your eyes are seeing

You will find your way if you keep believing

Overcome the odds when you don’t have a chance

When the world says you can’t, it’ll tell you that you can

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.