I want to preface this with a couple things: one, I love Danville and its people for many, many reasons, not the least of which is that those that live there who Nigel and I call friends are wonderful, godly, generous, and kind people that don't really fit in the "Danville mentality" at all. And to tell you the truth, this isn't really so much about Danville itself as it is about any suburb of affluence in America. The root of this post is my frustration with American materialism, and in places like the Bay Area at large and Danville as part of it, materialism rules the day. So please, read this as a larger treatise on American affluence in general and the harm it's causing to the coming generations who in large part don't get to experience family life like it was when I was growing up.
It always astonishes me when I hear wives bashing their husbands, calling them lazy, inconsiderate, and unthoughtful. And bragging about their fancy cars, new houses, remodeling houses that are 10 years or less old, and complaining that their lives are hard and frustrating and unhappy. I hear that a lot, working at an antique shop in Danville, CA. But then I have to take a step back and remember the stereotypical Danville family. So here's a little background on this deceptively charming town for all of you who don't live here.
Danville is a very charming town in the East Bay, particularly the downtown area on Hartz Ave. The shop I work at on Hartz, Sweet Magnolia, is especially cute. It's in an old house built in the 1920's, now a historical landmark. The owners, Jill and Clay, are amazing and have a beautiful style - mostly French country in shades of white, ivory, country blue, sage green, and gray. I wish I could live here - it is exactly ME.
The other shops in the area are just as cute on the outside, and mostly on the inside, too. It really feels like you are stepping back in time when you come here. When I first moved to CA and lived in Danville, it's those things that I loved. It felt more like home to me than typical suburbia.
However, all this charm and beauty is deceptive. A single family home in this area, maybe 3 bedrooms and 2 baths, around 1500 sq ft, will easily run you $800,000, even in the housing slump. But most of the homes here are MUCH larger than that, and therefore buying a house here for under $1 million is rare.
So why do I say Danville has"deceptive charm"? Because underneath all of the beauty, class, carefully groomed appearances (people and buildings), are families that are struggling to hold it together. It is near impossible to make a mortgage payment here without two full-time incomes. And where does that leave many of the kids? In day care, or as they're older, home alone (or without their parents' knowledge not alone) while parents are virtually nonexistent.
It's no wonder the girls in my freshman small group are literally begging for us to set boundaries for them. Boundaries equal safety and security, and in order for these kids to grow up, they need that. At their ages, they can't developmentally make sound decisions like adults because they lack the abstract reasoning necessary to see consequences and ripple effects, much less care about what those consequences might be.
And the school system here is tough on the students. First graders come home with 2-3 hours of homework a night. So where does that leave high schoolers? With more homework than one night will allow, every night, weekend, holiday, break, and summer vacation. Yup, they get assignments for their new classes in the fall to start over the summer. So even if they happen to be in one of the fortunate families where at least one of their parents are home even a good part of the time, they are so bogged down with homework that there is no time left for any kind of family life. And forget the days of high achievers getting a 4.0. Today, for a CA student to get accepted into a CA university, they need GPAs in the range of 4.6+. That means advanced, weighted, often college-level classes with even MORE homework.
And I didn't even mention the enormous expectations of coaches and arts directors for those kids who are talented in athletics, art, music, or drama. And you know what really stinks about that? You have to be really talented to even take part in most of the extra curricular activities because there is so much competition. If you want to play soccer, you better start when you're 7 or 8 so that by the time you're in junior high you're good enough to make a team. What happened to trying things and being involved in things just because you enjoy them even if you're not the best, fastest, or prettiest/most handsome? And again, only well-rounded students (unless they are in a racial minority) get accepted into CA schools. The pressure is far too high for students today to not just perform, but excell. They don't even get to enjoy being a kid anymore.
So why do people live here? Materialism. Status. Proximity to wonderful things: 45 minutes to Napa Valley, 45 minutes to the ocean, 30 minutes to San Francisco, 3.5 hours to Lake Tahoe (where many have cabins, mind you), 3 hours to Yosemite, and an $80 round trip flight to LA and all of its "wonders".
Yes, I am a true small town country girl from the middle of nowhere, trying to make sense of this area God has us living in, even though Nigel and I feel very out of place. And trying to minister to severely hurting kids. The problem is, I cannot replace their parents. They drop their kids off with the expectation that all their spiritual teaching comes from us, while never having conversations about anything with their kids at home. It's hard, hard, hard, heartbreaking work for us.
Yet it is a calling, so with God's wisdom and strength I press on, doing what I am able to do with these girls. I love them and want to see them turn into godly, humble women that God can use greatly. So even when the uphill battle seems too impossible to win, I remember that God's strength and amazing ways are far greater than anything I could do on my own. After all, look at me and what He's done for me. I was at my absolute worst and He picked me up and made me new. What an awesome and amazing God I serve. And my faith in Him and His divine and unfathomable ways keeps us at CPC and keeps me working in Danville as well, even though at times we feel like we are on another planet.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Humility, sacrifice, and marriage
I am going through a Beth Moore study on Daniel with the women's ministry at my church. It's pretty amazing, and really stretches the brain, which I love. But in the midst of all the prophecies, kings, kings, and more kings, and end-time events, there are some solid, amazing lessons for life. This may take two posts, so I'll start with what I've learned this past week.
The video to begin week 11 (studying Daniel 11) talked about sacrifice vs. selfishness. Satan is constantly trying to get all of us to give up the sacrificial life. For "it is only in losing ourselves that we truly find ourselves," and Satan doesn't want us to know the truth about who we are in Christ and what good we are capable of doing in the world we live in. Beth Moore said that if we miss the sacrificial life we will miss our calling. Wow! I definitely don't want that to happen. I want to fully live as God intends for me to live, on a daily basis in all that I say and do.
She also said that sacrifice has to come at great cost to us. That's where I really began to apply what was being said. For most of us, the "cost" is our pride, though it could be something much more. We want it to be quick and easy, to give (monetarily or in service) out of our excess, not where it's hard. Here is a quote she included from C.S. Lewis: "Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind." I have been saying for years that I believe pride leads to every other sin, not knowing that C.S. Lewis said the same thing. Pride precedes greed, lust, stealing, cheating, and any other sin you can think of. Selfish pride. And we all have it.
Here's a practical application that most of you women that I know will appreciate. How does America portray a man who asks his wife to do something for him, even something small like get him a glass of water? Lazy, controlling, and womanizing. Hmmm. Interesting that we would hear that so often, yet it's SO WRONG! Explains where my instant subconscious defensiveness, though unfounded, comes from every time Nigel asks me to do something. Stubborn, selfish pride, fueled by our annoying and deceptive media.
I applied what I learned in the Bible study: sacrifice, true sacrifice, has to cost something. For me that is often pride. So I swallowed that pride and went our of my way to do extra things for Nigel this week. And I discovered something: it makes me like myself a lot more. I also discovered in the midst of it this week that Nigel's love language is acts of service. And all of a sudden all the puzzle pieces fell into place - he is always hoping that I'll do things before he asks me to, because it makes him feel loved. And when I don't, or grumble a little at doing something, it actually hurts him. Talk about switching my motivation! It's a lot easier to do things for someone when the result is that they feel extra loved.
Here is a little excerpt from fivelovelanguages.com about acts of service:
"Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love. Even simple things like laundry and taking out the trash require some form of planning, time, effort, and energy. Just as Jesus demonstrated when he washed the feet of his disciples, doing humble chores can be a very powerful expression of love and devotion to your mate.
Very often, both pairs in a couple will speak to the Acts of Service Language. However, it is very important to understand what acts of service your mate most appreciates. Even though couples are helping each other around the house, couples will still fight because the are unknowingly communicating with each other in two different dialects. For example, a wife may spend her day washing the cars and walking the dog, but if her husband feels that laundry and dishes are a superior necessity, he may feel unloved, despite the fact that his wife did many other chores throughout the day. It is important to learn your mate’s dialect and work hard to understand what acts of service will show your love.
It is important to do these acts of service out of love and not obligation. A mate who does chores and helps out around the house out of guilt or fear will inevitably not be speaking a language of love, but a language of resentment. It’s important to perform these acts out of the kindness of your heart.
Demonstrating the acts of service can mean stepping out of the stereotypes. Acts of service require both mates to humble themselves into doing some chores and services that aren’t usually expected from their gender. However, these little sacrifices will mean the world to your mate, and will ensure a happy relationship."
Now, I need to get Nigel to read the chapter on words of affirmation, because as it turns out, words definitely make or break my day. How do people like Gary Chapman come up with this stuff? I am thankful to God for leading him to write that book. It is sure helping my relationships! And my marriage to the most wonderful and humble man on earth.
The video to begin week 11 (studying Daniel 11) talked about sacrifice vs. selfishness. Satan is constantly trying to get all of us to give up the sacrificial life. For "it is only in losing ourselves that we truly find ourselves," and Satan doesn't want us to know the truth about who we are in Christ and what good we are capable of doing in the world we live in. Beth Moore said that if we miss the sacrificial life we will miss our calling. Wow! I definitely don't want that to happen. I want to fully live as God intends for me to live, on a daily basis in all that I say and do.
She also said that sacrifice has to come at great cost to us. That's where I really began to apply what was being said. For most of us, the "cost" is our pride, though it could be something much more. We want it to be quick and easy, to give (monetarily or in service) out of our excess, not where it's hard. Here is a quote she included from C.S. Lewis: "Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind." I have been saying for years that I believe pride leads to every other sin, not knowing that C.S. Lewis said the same thing. Pride precedes greed, lust, stealing, cheating, and any other sin you can think of. Selfish pride. And we all have it.
Here's a practical application that most of you women that I know will appreciate. How does America portray a man who asks his wife to do something for him, even something small like get him a glass of water? Lazy, controlling, and womanizing. Hmmm. Interesting that we would hear that so often, yet it's SO WRONG! Explains where my instant subconscious defensiveness, though unfounded, comes from every time Nigel asks me to do something. Stubborn, selfish pride, fueled by our annoying and deceptive media.
I applied what I learned in the Bible study: sacrifice, true sacrifice, has to cost something. For me that is often pride. So I swallowed that pride and went our of my way to do extra things for Nigel this week. And I discovered something: it makes me like myself a lot more. I also discovered in the midst of it this week that Nigel's love language is acts of service. And all of a sudden all the puzzle pieces fell into place - he is always hoping that I'll do things before he asks me to, because it makes him feel loved. And when I don't, or grumble a little at doing something, it actually hurts him. Talk about switching my motivation! It's a lot easier to do things for someone when the result is that they feel extra loved.
Here is a little excerpt from fivelovelanguages.com about acts of service:
"Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love. Even simple things like laundry and taking out the trash require some form of planning, time, effort, and energy. Just as Jesus demonstrated when he washed the feet of his disciples, doing humble chores can be a very powerful expression of love and devotion to your mate.
Very often, both pairs in a couple will speak to the Acts of Service Language. However, it is very important to understand what acts of service your mate most appreciates. Even though couples are helping each other around the house, couples will still fight because the are unknowingly communicating with each other in two different dialects. For example, a wife may spend her day washing the cars and walking the dog, but if her husband feels that laundry and dishes are a superior necessity, he may feel unloved, despite the fact that his wife did many other chores throughout the day. It is important to learn your mate’s dialect and work hard to understand what acts of service will show your love.
It is important to do these acts of service out of love and not obligation. A mate who does chores and helps out around the house out of guilt or fear will inevitably not be speaking a language of love, but a language of resentment. It’s important to perform these acts out of the kindness of your heart.
Demonstrating the acts of service can mean stepping out of the stereotypes. Acts of service require both mates to humble themselves into doing some chores and services that aren’t usually expected from their gender. However, these little sacrifices will mean the world to your mate, and will ensure a happy relationship."
Now, I need to get Nigel to read the chapter on words of affirmation, because as it turns out, words definitely make or break my day. How do people like Gary Chapman come up with this stuff? I am thankful to God for leading him to write that book. It is sure helping my relationships! And my marriage to the most wonderful and humble man on earth.
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