A hot topic on a blog...

Ok, I had to write in here about my thoughts on a topic I came across on a blog I've frequented for a while. It's about weddings and marriage, and people generally ask for advice about various things. This is a post I came across a few days ago:

"Just wondering...how many out there have lived with their FI's before tying the knot? For those that did, would you go back and wait if you could?

My hubby to be is planning to move in with me before the end of the year and to be completely honest...I'm a little scared freaking out!!! I've been on my own for a little over 2 years now and I LOVE it. I love having my own place/space and I'm really afraid of losing that. Is this nomal? Or could this be a major warning sign?"
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I waited a few more days thinking about it, and seeing what others would post. YIKES!!! I guess I've been in my Christian bubble a bit longer than I thought, as I had no idea that living together isn't really even frowned upon anymore. Which scares me. I think the enemy has so many couples right where he wants them to cause them so much pain.

So, there were 38 responses before I responded. Out of them, only 6 didn't live with their husbands before marriage. And no one mentioned much about any of the risks or reasons not to live together. So, I prayed, then wrote this:

"I, too am apparently in the minority here. I feel also that it is absolutely not necessary to live together before marriage, and even a risk to the relationship. However, every relationship is different and every person is different - we all make our own choices in life and have to deal with the outcome, good or bad. I am not meaning this to sound judgemental - it's not. Honestly how many people, women especially, look at the risks before moving in together when they're blindly in love?


My husband and I knew each other for only 8 months before we got married, which gave us no time to learn living habits. I was 29 and he was 40 on our wedding day, which is also when we shared our first kiss. We had both lived on our own for many years and were set in our ways, and yeah, I was worried about how hard it would be to live with someone. But I knew it would all be worth the wait. And while our faith in God and His perfect design for marriage was the overarching factor that set our decision, we also knew God designed it that way for OUR good and well-being.

I carried a lot of pain from kissing guys (and more) when I was younger - giving that physical piece takes a piece of your heart and bonds a part of you to that person forever, even if you later marry someone else. I think our wedding day was that much sweeter for all we saved for that day: first kiss (and everything else), and living together. I knew when I met him that my next and last first kiss and everything else would be with my husband.

We just celebrated a year, and are more in love than ever. It's a lot easier to accept and get used to someone's quirks and habits when you move in with them under the covenant commitment of marriage. There is a lot more motivation to compromise and be accepting, as you KNOW you are there forever. I love it!!! It's so wonderful not to have to part ways every night and say goodnight by phone, yet we are so unbelievably happy we waited until marriage for all that. Even our first kiss, which we have a beautiful pic of that we'll have forever as well!"
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Then came the comments back to me:

"just an FYI, you did come across as judgemental. No biggy, but just thought I'd let you know. ;)

No one should judge anyone else for their decisions on why or how they did things in their own personal lives. My hubby moved into my house within about 3 months of us starting to date...

...My marriage and life with my husband is very special to ME. Regardless of whether we lived together (and did all kinds of naughty things, too, mind ya!) prior to the marriage, that doesn't make the fact that we have made this amazing commitment to each other any less amazing. Not in my opinion, anyway."
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and this one:

"Not to be mean, but I don't understand your reasoning. I'd rather learn about a person's quirks before getting married because after that, you're "stuck" with them... you have no choice. What if after two people get married, they move in together and the woman finds out her husband is abusive? (it's happened before). What then? They're already married so it would be much more difficult to leave the relationship. I think it would be better to move in together before marriage and learn about those things so if you find out you're not compatible, you can leave the relationship without all of the consequences (legal and otherwise) that come along with a divorce. But maybe that's just me...

Also, let's be realistic. For some people, they have no choice because of financial reasons. Like I mentioned in my post earlier, my fiance and I had to move in together because I would have been homeless otherwise. I couldn't move back home with my parents (because they lived in a tiny little house without space for me to even sleep), and I definitely couldn't afford the $900+ per month rent for an apartment on my own (that's how much it costs here). I thoroughly believe that my fiance saved me by agreeing to move in together! He loved me so much that he didn't want to have to face the prospect of me quitting school and essentially ending up homeless. Just another reason why I love him! :) Maybe you were lucky and made very good money or your parents let you live with them for a long time. Not everyone has that luxury. You shouldn't be so judgmental (because you did come across that way even if you didn't intend to). I'm a Christian also, but I'm not that judgmental of people because I understand everyone's situations are different. My marriage will be just as special as yours even though my fiance and I chose to live together beforehand. We've been together for 6 years, and we're still going strong. He's my soul mate and nothing will change that. "
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So, I responded again:

"I guess it's harder than I thought to say what I mean without coming across the wrong way. I apologize if I sounded judgemental - really, I believe everyone has to make their own decisions, plus live with what comes of them, and I'm not going to judge anyone for that. It is not my right, or my place, to judge anyone. There's so much more to what I said that I could write a book, and there's just not enough space here for that.


So I'll address only what's been directed back to me: the first is the "being stuck with a guy with quirks/abusive qualities". True, you never know what could happen. And people change. My choice in my husband, however, wasn't just my choice. He was God's choice for me, and God is a lot smarter than I am. So I trust Him, and my husband. Sure, if someone was married and then discovered abusive qualities it would be harder than if they were not married, but it is my belief that it is still not the best choice to make to live together. And that is just what I believe - I don't hold it against someone who makes a different choice however.

As for financial reasons, if it is God's will that we hold off on things until marriage, He will provide another living situation, too. I am not rich (not even close!!! I've been wondering how the bills will get paid every month for years now), and my parents are 1500 miles away. In fact, two weeks after we got engaged my internship was up and I had no place to go. Originally, I had planned on going back to MN, but then my hubby entered the picture! :) . I still knew it wasn't right for us to live together, rent alone in the San Fran area is over $1000/month and that was out of the question, and that God would provide. So I asked God for help. And before I even started looking or posted anything, a family from my church approached me and offered me their spare room and bath until the wedding.

Sound too good to be true? Well, that wasn't the first time God provided me, literally, with shelter when I would have been without. It was the 4th time in 4 years. I had been laid off 3 times in a year and a half and every time someone offered, without me asking, a place to stay rent free.

I really, truly, and with my whole heart believe that God designed marriage the best way it could be, because He alone is perfect. And for my life, I've found that I'm a lot more content and happy if I'm listening to what God's telling me and doing my best to follow it.

Again, I apologize if anyone felt judged by what I said, I really am just speaking from my own heart about how and why we chose the timing we did."
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So what do you think? Should I have just kept my mouth shut? I was just trying to share how God's ways worked out best for us, maybe be a good example even if I am in the minority. And I know a lot of what I'm saying is falling on deaf ears anyway, so I'm trying not to take it personally. But really!!!! I can't believe that women are so blind and have really, truly, bought the lies our culture has been feeding them. It's sad, and I'm sure God is even sadder. Oh the lies women believe, that bring so much pain and heartache. I should know, I've had plenty of heartache from buying into lies in my relationships in the past.

A photo...

I LOVE this one. Not sure what it is about it, but I love it. That's all!

My husband, the chef

Ok, so maybe this meal wasn't at the level of gourmet food. And I was a bit worried at how this one would turn out. You see, Nigel called me from the grocery store to tell me he was making hotdish. If you're not from the Midwest, you know it as a casserole. Yup, Nigel making hotdish. I was nervous - after all, being from Minnesota, I could fill an entire recipe book with all my hotdish recipes. But he's from Pakistan, and has never made it before. Plus, he likes mixing random things together.

I came home to a beautiful smell in the kitchen. Hmmm, maybe this wouldn't be so bad. He wouldn't tell me what he'd put in it - wanted me to figure it out on my own.

It was DELICIOUS!! He used chicken breasts (yes, marinated in various spices), a box of stuffing, veggies, a can of cream of whatever soup (a hotdish staple), and even a bit of cheese and french fried onions on top. I am so impressed! Maybe I can turn him into a Minnesotan yet...

It's already been one year, no way!

I cannot believe we've been married for a year already. And it's so amazing. We were talking the other day after we got back from Carmel, where we spent our anniversary, about how it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off our shoulder since we hit one year.

Why? Well everyone kept telling us that the first year is so hard, and that it would be especially so for us since we met in February of 2006 and were married in October. So once we hit a year, the pressure was off or something like that. Weird, huh? Especially since it was totally a mental thing. I mean, there were difficult parts of learning to share all of your life and home with another, especially a man, but it was far better than I was expecting. And my expectation was totally a result of others who told me it was going to be extremely difficult.

So we are happier than ever. Nicole Gee, my awesome friend/photographer, took pictures of us in San Francisco on the 6th. We decided it would become a yearly tradition. Do any of you have any anniversary traditions?

We also got a cake from the same one who did our wedding cake, Fatema at Cake Delight. We even tried a new flavor: chocolate mousse. It was yummy! And without any ideas from me at all she remembered our wedding cake and put the same brown and blue flowers on it! She is so sweet and amazing. That's why we keep going back to her!

Here is an album from our anniversary weekend:

First Anniversary - Photo shoot and Carmel

I also finally put out there an album of some of our faves from the wedding. Just click public gallery after you go to the above album. On the morning of our anniversary, the 8th, Nigel and I sat down in our room at the Normandy Inn in Carmel and ate cake while we watched our wedding video and a slideshow of pics. Joel Flory's slideshow from our wedding is still up as well. Just after we finished the video, there was a knock at the door and a delivery of 2 dozen red roses! How sweet is my husband? And he had no control over the perfect timing, either.

It was a wonderful celebration, for sure.