The Choices I Make

I often find myself having to explain the choices I make. I’m not talking about defending bad choices, either. I’m talking about having to explain my reasons for making good, clean choices in my everyday life. Why, do you ask, would that be something I have to do? The answer is because I find many people in my life don’t understand why my everyday choices now are so different from what they used to be or from the choices the average American would make.

Since I gave my life to the Lord just over three years ago, my decision-making process has changed. I have to admit, at times my old life looks a lot more fun, at least on earth. But those tempting “fun” things will only gain temporary satisfaction. I know what it’s like to be completely satisfied in Jesus Christ. If you compared me to the average 20-something, even my decisions before I was born again wouldn’t seem that bad in the comparison. However, I definitely did not make godly choices back then.

Now, I want every choice I make to be godly. Some would say this means that as a Christian I’m required to follow a specific set of rules and guidelines to ensure my way to heaven someday. That’s not the case. My place in heaven is secured, and God has assured me that He will love me no matter what my choices are. I am living a new life with the freedom I've found in Christ, and through the Holy Spirit now living in me I can make choices that honor God. Colossians 3:5-8 says, "Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips." This passage is one of many that gives clear direction for how those living for the Lord should conduct their lives.

God does forgive and grant grace for sins committed. That may prompt you to ask, “What difference does it make then if you choose what any average person would, even if it’s not the most godly choice? God will just forgive you anyway!” That’s the wrong approach, and commonly called “cheap grace”. Romans 6:1-2 says, "What shall we say then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?" For as Romans 12:1-2 says, "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will."

As a Christian, when I sin I strive not only to confess it, I repent of it, too. Repentance goes one step farther than confession—it means that I choose to turn away from the sin and never do it again. Does that guarantee that I will never commit that sin again? No. But God looks at the heart. He knows my intentions. If my intentions are to make a godly choice, and I fall into sin, He knows. If I say I’ve turned away from sin, but think I can secretly hold onto it, God would know that, too. 1 Chronicles 28:9 says, " '...serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts."

So what motivates my decision-making, then? One thing alone: I love the Lord with all my heart. If you truly love someone, do you desire to do things that would hurt him or her? Of course not. It is the same in my relationship with the Lord. He paid such a high price for my sins already that I cannot imagine doing things that would cause Him pain. Unfortunately, I’m human and will still sin. But the pain I feel for hurting Jesus through my sin is what brings me to repentance.

I would like to share some examples that would illustrate this. When I go to the theater, I choose not to see movies that are full of bad language, sexual scenes and language, or intense sinful violence. One, Jesus himself would not choose those movies. Two, there is absolutely no reason to fill my head with that kind of negative input, when there are so many better ways to spend my time. This approach goes into other media forms for me, too. I avoid TV shows like “Desperate Housewives,” which is heaped in immorality, or “The Bachelor” and shows like it that make light of marriage and choosing a mate. I also choose not to listen to certain types of music or radio stations whose DJs promote things like excessive drinking and premarital sex on the air.

Another example is that I’ve chosen to save myself for my future husband. And I’m not just talking about sex here. It goes beyond that. I don’t push the limit to see how far it can go without crossing a particular line. That’s also the wrong approach – I’d just be begging for temptation then. Has this taken practice? Yes! Have I made mistakes? Yes! It’s hard to change your thought process about the physical side of relationships when you’re already in your twenties and have crossed lines before you became a Christian that you wish now that you hadn’t. But God has forgiven me completely for the past, and I choose to live my future differently.

Yes, making choices like these takes thought and more work and planning than the bad choices. It’s a lot easier these days to be exposed to negative input than it is not to. It takes work and preparation sometimes to avoid it. I research movies before I go to them, for example. But all that work pays off when I know that Jesus is looking down at me and smiling, delighted with my choices and that I would put Him first in my life. And that is the goal toward which I strive every day.

The healing that could only come from God

I’ve been working on a research paper for my Counseling for the Ministry class, the topic being Losing a Parent. I chose this topic because of its relevance to my life. I even picked up a book I’d bought right after my mom died in 1999, but had never had the courage to read, called Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman. God has been strongly at work in my heart in recent weeks. In fact, if it wasn’t for my knowing how much He wanted me to go through with writing this paper, I would have given up and chosen another topic. I almost did, more than once. It sure would have been easier.

It’s been painful for me. But God has wanted to heal me, for a very long time. His timing with this class where I had to read Healing for Damaged Emotions and Telling Yourself the Truth, the prayer summit I just attended, and this paper all happening at once is not a coincidence. It was perfectly planned by God.

I don’t think I ever really healed from losing my mom to a rare cancer five years ago. Instead, a fear set in, stemming from that loss, plus losing my birth mother to breast cancer two years later, and my dad remarrying just a year after my mom died. It was a fear of abandonment and being left alone. Recently, it’s taken on the face of never having a husband. Same fear, new perspective. And it has been hurting me and those around me in ways I couldn’t have imagined. It bled into every area of my life. The enemy sure was having fun tripping me up.

I honestly thought that this fear (before I realized it really was a sin keeping me from God) was just a part of me—something that would always affect my life and the decisions I made. I figured if I got into some counseling for a while that maybe I’d be able to deal with it better. What I didn’t know is that not only was it sin, but I could be FREE from it!!!

I went to the women’s prayer summit with Grace this past weekend. All we did was worship and pray for three days, seeking God’s face and direction. Friday morning we were informed we had a code of silence for an hour, to spend talking to God about whatever He needed us to deal with. He showed me a lot in that hour, including reiterating this fear of being alone I had recently identified.

Friday afternoon we split into three smaller groups. We were then given the opportunity to lay any sin or burdens at Jesus’ feet. There was a symbolic chair placed in the center of the circle, where Jesus was seated. I felt instantly like there was something I needed to say. I heard God whispering over and over, “Say it, My daughter, just let it go.” I started to talk at one point, but hesitated and someone else jumped in thinking I was finished. I was crying pretty hard and could hardly talk, and didn’t get another chance to speak up.

Afterward, Lori, the facilitator in our group, sought me out. She must have sensed that there was something more I wasn’t saying. In a time of prayer with her, I completely let go of the fear. I’m not even sure how I confessed it and what I said, but at that exact moment I realized how much I was hurting God by not trusting Him completely. After praying with Lori, I physically felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and I’ve been told many times since then that I’m glowing (even today, a week later).

Lori also had prayed for me to truly feel the love of God in a big way the rest of the weekend, and I did, in ways I’ve never felt it before. I had a dear sister in the Lord wash my feet, as a humble demonstration of being a servant. And she’s on ministry staff—I’m an assistant. There has been quite a separation on our staff between ministry staff and assistants (though not between her and me). I don’t think she even knows how much that meant to me, and how much of God’s love was shown through her at that moment.

I also had many other women support me, pray with and for me, and share in my pain but also share in my joy. I even had a relationship with another woman restored, a relationship that I had a hunch wasn’t right but had no idea why. It turns out I had hurt her deeply, unknowingly and unintentionally, a couple years back, and she’s been carrying the hurt all this time. We talked it out, forgave each other, then celebrated, again, the newfound joy and victory in Christ.

After all that, I was determined to get through studying for and writing this paper on losing a parent. It’s another piece of the victory that God knew I needed right now in my life. I’m SO excited to see what He is going to do with me next, now that I’m truly free and more joyful than I’ve ever been in my life. It’s been hard to write it though—it’s surfaced a lot of things I didn’t know I felt, and helped me deal with things I didn’t understand why I was feeling.

As an ending, here’s a description of my favorite moment from the prayer summit: We shared a candlelit communion Friday evening, after dinner and our small group time. The communion table was set up in the center of the room, draped in white, with a cross in the center. We all placed black rocks we’d been given when we arrived, symbolizing the sins or burdens we were releasing, at the foot of the cross and exchanged them for white ones. After all had communed, we joined in a tight group around the table and sang “It is Well With My Soul,” in full harmony. It is the first time I have EVER sung that song and been able to say I truly meant every word.

I am so blessed to be loved by a God that can free me from the bonds that had kept me so sad and burdened. He loves me so much that He let His only son die, so that I can live. Is there any kind of love more amazing than that? Not this side of heaven! My joy has not subsided, and I wake up singing every morning.

Thank You, Lord, for the good things You have done in my life. Thank You for showing me Your love in such a tangible way, and for freeing me. I love You with all my heart, and I can’t wait to see You face to face one day.