The healing that could only come from God

I’ve been working on a research paper for my Counseling for the Ministry class, the topic being Losing a Parent. I chose this topic because of its relevance to my life. I even picked up a book I’d bought right after my mom died in 1999, but had never had the courage to read, called Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman. God has been strongly at work in my heart in recent weeks. In fact, if it wasn’t for my knowing how much He wanted me to go through with writing this paper, I would have given up and chosen another topic. I almost did, more than once. It sure would have been easier.

It’s been painful for me. But God has wanted to heal me, for a very long time. His timing with this class where I had to read Healing for Damaged Emotions and Telling Yourself the Truth, the prayer summit I just attended, and this paper all happening at once is not a coincidence. It was perfectly planned by God.

I don’t think I ever really healed from losing my mom to a rare cancer five years ago. Instead, a fear set in, stemming from that loss, plus losing my birth mother to breast cancer two years later, and my dad remarrying just a year after my mom died. It was a fear of abandonment and being left alone. Recently, it’s taken on the face of never having a husband. Same fear, new perspective. And it has been hurting me and those around me in ways I couldn’t have imagined. It bled into every area of my life. The enemy sure was having fun tripping me up.

I honestly thought that this fear (before I realized it really was a sin keeping me from God) was just a part of me—something that would always affect my life and the decisions I made. I figured if I got into some counseling for a while that maybe I’d be able to deal with it better. What I didn’t know is that not only was it sin, but I could be FREE from it!!!

I went to the women’s prayer summit with Grace this past weekend. All we did was worship and pray for three days, seeking God’s face and direction. Friday morning we were informed we had a code of silence for an hour, to spend talking to God about whatever He needed us to deal with. He showed me a lot in that hour, including reiterating this fear of being alone I had recently identified.

Friday afternoon we split into three smaller groups. We were then given the opportunity to lay any sin or burdens at Jesus’ feet. There was a symbolic chair placed in the center of the circle, where Jesus was seated. I felt instantly like there was something I needed to say. I heard God whispering over and over, “Say it, My daughter, just let it go.” I started to talk at one point, but hesitated and someone else jumped in thinking I was finished. I was crying pretty hard and could hardly talk, and didn’t get another chance to speak up.

Afterward, Lori, the facilitator in our group, sought me out. She must have sensed that there was something more I wasn’t saying. In a time of prayer with her, I completely let go of the fear. I’m not even sure how I confessed it and what I said, but at that exact moment I realized how much I was hurting God by not trusting Him completely. After praying with Lori, I physically felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and I’ve been told many times since then that I’m glowing (even today, a week later).

Lori also had prayed for me to truly feel the love of God in a big way the rest of the weekend, and I did, in ways I’ve never felt it before. I had a dear sister in the Lord wash my feet, as a humble demonstration of being a servant. And she’s on ministry staff—I’m an assistant. There has been quite a separation on our staff between ministry staff and assistants (though not between her and me). I don’t think she even knows how much that meant to me, and how much of God’s love was shown through her at that moment.

I also had many other women support me, pray with and for me, and share in my pain but also share in my joy. I even had a relationship with another woman restored, a relationship that I had a hunch wasn’t right but had no idea why. It turns out I had hurt her deeply, unknowingly and unintentionally, a couple years back, and she’s been carrying the hurt all this time. We talked it out, forgave each other, then celebrated, again, the newfound joy and victory in Christ.

After all that, I was determined to get through studying for and writing this paper on losing a parent. It’s another piece of the victory that God knew I needed right now in my life. I’m SO excited to see what He is going to do with me next, now that I’m truly free and more joyful than I’ve ever been in my life. It’s been hard to write it though—it’s surfaced a lot of things I didn’t know I felt, and helped me deal with things I didn’t understand why I was feeling.

As an ending, here’s a description of my favorite moment from the prayer summit: We shared a candlelit communion Friday evening, after dinner and our small group time. The communion table was set up in the center of the room, draped in white, with a cross in the center. We all placed black rocks we’d been given when we arrived, symbolizing the sins or burdens we were releasing, at the foot of the cross and exchanged them for white ones. After all had communed, we joined in a tight group around the table and sang “It is Well With My Soul,” in full harmony. It is the first time I have EVER sung that song and been able to say I truly meant every word.

I am so blessed to be loved by a God that can free me from the bonds that had kept me so sad and burdened. He loves me so much that He let His only son die, so that I can live. Is there any kind of love more amazing than that? Not this side of heaven! My joy has not subsided, and I wake up singing every morning.

Thank You, Lord, for the good things You have done in my life. Thank You for showing me Your love in such a tangible way, and for freeing me. I love You with all my heart, and I can’t wait to see You face to face one day.