The single life

Okay, I am writing this one out of frustration. Well, some of it is frustration, some is discontentment I guess, and some is just an incomprehension of why society has to be so hard on single people.

I live with three awesome roommates, all of whom are now engaged and planning weddings that are only a few months away. Not only that, but there are three newlywed couples, and many dating couples in my group of friends. Only a couple of us in the large group of people we call our friends are single. And it seems we’re the ones never invited to anything.

For a while, I thought it was just me — jealous that the others were in relationships and I was single. But I started noting all the weekends, pretty much every weekend really, that I had nothing to do and all the couples were hanging out with other couples. It’s not just me. It’s a real thing.

However, my feelings about that, though real, are not the right ones to have. I get upset, at times feel lonely, left out, and rejected. Is that how God wants me to be? No!!! He desires for me to find joy, even in the difficult situations in life.

Am I discontent? To some degree, yes. No wonder I fill up all my free time with work, volunteering at church, and picking up odd jobs. In fact, someone else that works at Grace recently asked me if I’d be around this weekend. When I said no, he said he was surprised because it’s not unusual to see me volunteering for something on the weekend. Is that bad? No. But do I wish and hope for more? Well, yes. I definitely want to be married eventually and have a family of my own. And I’m sure not where I thought I would be at 27.

And what do my friends say when I bring up feeling left out? They deny that they do it, and when I proceed to give specific examples, they make excuses. Yet tonight, again, is for couples only. God wants me to be content being single. But it’s difficult to be content and happy when people around me exclude me because I don’t have a significant other, or because they think I’ll hate being the 3rd, 5th, or 7th wheel, or when society labels me as not yet complete if I don’t have a husband, or when my family constantly asks if I’m dating or when I’ll finally “settle down.”

This is a constant, day by day, difficult battle. God grants me more grace than I could ever hope to deserve though. And that is what keeps me going.

I’m finishing school in a couple weeks. For the second time around. And my schedule will be much more open. I’m praying against the lies of the enemy that will say that I’m not wanted and lonely in the times that I will no longer be filling with homework. I’m a bit scared about that, so I’m praying in advance for new ways to manage the new, large amounts of free time.

And in the meantime, I hope some of my friends figure out how much they’re hurting the few that are single, get over the novelty of the “couples’ culture,” and start inviting us to do things, too.

As for me, I choose to let God write my story. I haven't had much time for dating until now anyway, and I know He has so much bigger plans for me than feeling rejected. That's not the truth anyway--I'm as wanted and loved as anyone could possibly ever be by the God of the universe, who for some incomprehensible reason wants to spend endless amounts of time with me. How amazing is that? And the grace just keeps on flowing, getting me through the menial frustrations of life on earth...

The best is yet to come

I am currently sitting at Dunn Bros Coffee, my new favorite place to spend an afternoon. Not only do they have good coffee, but a free wireless internet connection as well. So I'm surfing, researching, and downloading a few new songs to iTunes. It's Sunday, and I'm in between services at my church. Instead of listening to the house music, I plugged in my earphones and pulled up my Favorites playlist.

It's been a difficult few weeks. I'm winding down with school, the church is in a huge budget crisis, and we are going to be short even more team members in Student Ministries than we expected this year. Plus, we're facing staff cuts and possible layoffs that will be announced this week. It was two years ago, January 13, 2002, that I was laid off from a different position at the church. It was a rough time for me, teaching me to fully rely on God and trust Him for things I'd never wanted for before, like food on the table and a place to stay. This time now is reminding me of that, as some will probably be facing the same situation. Maybe even me again.

These are times when I look to God for wisdom, guidance, and just enough grace to face the day at hand. As I'm sitting here this afternoon, an appropriate song has come up on my playlist. It's called "The Best is Yet to Come" by Scott Krippayne, and it means a lot to me. Here are the lyrics:

The race is long, sometimes I stumble. He helps me up each time I fall. When I lose hope, He gives me courage, so I press on and give my all. And I know I'll never have to run alone. And I can hardly wait to make it home. The best is yet to come. The promise of heaven awaits. I'll finally see my Lord and Savior face to face. For He has set me free for all eternity. When my life on earth is done, the best is yet to come. In every joy, in every trial, I need to keep my eyes on Him.
He is the Way, my soul Provider, no matter how the road may bend. When earthly treasures cloud my point of view, He reminds me that I'm only passing through.

I'm on this earth for but a brief moment. And my purpose is singular: to bring God glory. That is why He created me. What does that look like? Well, it is a lot of things. To me, it means praising Him in the good times and the bad, worshipping Him through songs even when I don't feel like singing, doing the work He has set before me, and thanking Him for everything, even the difficult things in life.

I press on in the race, even though it seems long, tiring, and neverending. Every time I stumble or fall, Jesus picks me up, sets me back on the track, and lets me continue the race. He doesn't disqualify me if I break a rule, though He expects me to acknowledge that I did it and turn around to go the right way again. And He stays right along side me the entire way--I am never, ever, alone. When my courage is waning and I feel I have no strength, He gives me the grace I need for the moment and for everything I face, providing all I need to go on.

Why do I keep running the race? Why do I continue to press on at times when the course is only uphill, my enemies are chasing me, and it seems I'll never make it? Because that is what my Lord deserves from me. And because I know that once my life on earth is over, heaven is waiting and it's even better than anything on earth could ever be--truly, the best is yet to come.

A brand new year...

I cannot believe it's 2005! I feel like 2004 flew by and left me in the dust. I have to admit, though, it was by far the busiest year I've ever had. And it definitely got away from me.

2005 is a year of new beginnings, and I know God has many challenges in store for me this year. I do not do resolutions. I think it just sets me up for failure. Too many people follow the examples of others and make grand resolutions that if they really thought about they'd know they're never going to keep. So I do not do them--at least not in the traditional sense.

Instead, I made a covenant with my Father in heaven to spend more time than in the past getting to know Him. So I bought myself a Two-Year Bible in the New Living Translation (a beautiful translation in modern English). It lays out the entire Bible in daily reading segments that take about 7 minutes a day to read. Each one includes an Old Testament passage (starting with Genesis), a New Testament passage (starting with Matthew), a passage from Psalms, and a passage from Proverbs. It's a great way to read through the Bible in manageable segments. For right now, it's the best way for me to hear from God on a daily basis as I eat my breakfast every morning.

I'm also finishing school this spring, the second time around with college. I got a 4-year business degree the first time, and didn't like the corporate atmosphere. I ended up working at a church, and decided to go back to school for a bachelor's degree in Christian Ministry to give me a solid Bible foundation. I love it, and am sad it's ending. I've been going through each class with the same 10 people for two years, and I'm sad our weekly time together is ending. It's been wonderful seeing everyone grow in their faith and see where God's directing them. I'm excited to see where He's directing me.

The major call I've had from God for 2005 is to simplify my life. I'm too busy, and my body is physically paying the price right now. I'm slowly cutting things out of my schedule, some of which are hard to let go of. Like my two young piano students, who last night I told I'd only be teaching through the end of January. I spend an hour and a half in rush hour traffic to teach for an hour, and it's a stress I can cut out. But I love those two kids, and wish I could continue teaching them.

I'm also looking forward to what God has in store for my personal life this year, in romantic relationship(s), friendships, and roommates, plus my 10-year high school reunion and many weddings and babies. It will definitely be a year of changes. But I live for change and thrive on it.

God has been so unbelievably faithful to me in the past, and I know He will continue to be forever. What a privilege it is to serve Him in my job and be able to call Him my Provider and Friend.