Merry Christmas!

Me with my roommates Deana and Kathy at Union Square in San Francisco. Merry Christmas, and may God bless you as you celebrate the miracle of Jesus' birth! 

It was quite a year...

...and that would be an understatement! A lot has happened in my life in 2005, so I thought I would pause for a moment to reflect and share about some of the trials and blessings God has brought my way.

As the year began, I wrote in my blog that I had a feeling a lot of changes would be coming my way. I was sure right about that. It started right off in February at the first Grace Women's Prayer Summit. Not only was I relieved of a burden I thought would always be mine to carry, but God started speaking to me abouot California that weekend, too. My post from February "The healing that could only come from God" talks about the story in detail. In short, it changed my life and my outlook on my life. I had a confidence, peace, and unspeakable joy that I didn't know were possible when I returned home. I still do, it was that great of a milestone.

In March I found out I would once again be losing my position at Grace due to budget cuts. At the same time, I was booking a flight for a prayer conference in Sacramento. I remember asking God if He wanted me to move to CA, and I immediately knew that whatever job I took next would have me moving there. It was surreal, as I had just said to my friend Angela the year before that I could never live in CA. God really does have a sense of humor!

Between booking my flight and arriving at the conference two weeks later, I had three interviews for internships scheduled for while I was there. The first and last were good, but I knew they weren't right. The second one, however, was a perfect fit. I met with Bill and Deana in Danville, and knew I would be coming out.

I moved Memorial Day weekend, just under three weeks after finding out for sure that the position was mine if I wanted it. Kristin (bless her heart!) rode all the way across the country with me.

The rest was amazing through the year - God brought me a perfect part-time job at a little antique shop and the means to attend Fuller seminary. And I started making friends and falling in love with the Bay area.

I love it here, and though being homesick a couple times was pretty hard, I know God needs me here now and I plan to stay, at least for a while. I can't wait to see what changes 2006 is going to bring as I pursue a full-time youth ministry role.

And who knows, there may be other surprises along the way, too...

Giving thanks

Tomorrow, once again, it is Thanksgiving. My 28th Thanksgiving. It's that time of year when everyone gets together with family (or friends or extended family) to reflect on all the blessings of the past year and thank God for them....but do they?

It seems to me that Thanksgiving has come to mean other things to most Americans than what it originally did:

• Football games
• Decorating (though some people skip over the Thanksgiving decorating and go straight to Christmas)
• Shopping
• More shopping, for Christmas

Whatever happened to thanking God for the blessings of the past year? My dad reminded me of what November's become when he told me this story a couple weeks ago: He went to Walmart with my stepmom to get a few things. When he walked in, they were already playing Christmas music. He couldn't believe that Thanksgiving got completely skipped over, and he told my stepmom he had to leave the store.

I don't blame him. You see, my dad is a farmer. He knows the meaning of Thanksgiving: thanking God for the harvest that will allow the family to get through another year. That's what it's always been about for me, too.

Though now, as an adult, my dad's harvest doesn't affect me much anymore, as I'm earning my own way. But the meaning is still there. And I've always loved Thanksgiving. It's a time of family, friends, and "going home". And I love the simplicity of those small town Thanksgivings, with church the night before, pie and coffee as a fundraiser for the youth group afterwards, and dinner with all the relatives on Thanksgiving. My favorite part of the food is always Grandma's pies!

I am very sad that this is my first Thanksgiving that I can't go home. But it will be one with new memories nonetheless, and as it turns out, I will be learning to cook it all this year. Which I love to do anyway. And over the phone yesterday Grandma taught me how to make sour cream raisin pie, a traditions and my favorite after pumpkin. I baked one as a trial last night, and it tastes almost as good as hers! It's the second best thing to being there, I guess.

I pray you and your family have a blessed Thanksgiving, and remember to thank the One who is the giver of all good things.

Me and Deana eating caramel apples at Santa Cruz

 

Two of my 7th grade girls

This is Haley (on top) and Stephanie, two of the girls in my small group. They're so cute!!! 

Some new friends

From left: Jill (a Wildside volunteer), Deana (my roommate, friend, and boss), me, and Kenzie (one of our student interns, and a real sweetheart).

It was twin night at Wildside in September. Deana and I decided to dress alike, and Jill and Kenzie decided to dress like Deana and "borrowed" a bunch of stuff from her closet. It was a blast! 

One of my best shots yet...

This is the Golden Gate Bridge on Labor Day 2005. I just happened to be there and catch the sunlight through the bridge. It was a beautiful day, and the first out of 5 or 6 times to the bridge that it wasn't under fog!

More about me...

Ok Becky, these are too fun...

FIRSTS

First best friend: Jackie (Moen) Anderson - she's still one of my closest friends, we know each other so well!! Unfortunately I don't get to see her often. :(
First kiss: Felipe Barrientos, while dancing to some 80's rock ballad
First true love: Alex Oey in high school
First piercing / tattoo: Ears when I was 7 and no tattoos
First big trip: San Antonio with my family in junior high for Dad's Army reunion
First time Skiing/Snowboarding: Sometime when I was a kid with youth group at Andes Tower Hills by Alexandria, MN (I'm not really into it)
First concert: Reba McEntire when I was a senior in high school
First Alcoholic Drink: Wine at communion
First ticket violation: Speeding when I was 17
First job: A dishwasher at Ike's Chicken Shack near Browns Valley, MN
First date: I guess officially that would be with Jon Prins when I was a sophomore in high school to a movie at the drive-in

LASTS

Last car ride: To hang out with two jr highers this afternoon
Last time you cried: Worshipping at the National Youth Workers' Convention with David Crowder leading worship.
Last movie watched: A free preview screening of "Dreamer", the new movie with Dakota Fanning coming out in a couple months. It was so awesome and sweet!!
Last love: Jesus
Last temptation: To gossip
Last item bought: Groceries at Trader Joe's an hour ago
Last annoyance: Having my chair at work get "stolen", again, by someone who likes it better than his
Last alcoholic drink: I can't remember - it's been at least a few months. Probably a glass of wine though.
Last Concert: A lot last weekend at the NYWC in Sacramento - the best were David Crowder, Third Day, and Shane and Shane
Last phone call: Stephanie, one of the 7th graders in my small group
Last time at the mall: I can't remember - a couple months ago

NOW

Current Best Friend: I don't really have a "best" friend, but I'd have to say the two that are my oldest and closest friends are Jackie and Misty.
Current Car: 2002 Chevy Cavalier LS Coupe
Current love: Learning Greek - it's sure been fascinating to study the New Testament in Greek!!
Current drink: Grande Americano with 3 pumps of Pumpkin Spice syrup and a little cream
Current activity: Running around with jr highers
Current annoyance: My back being a mess and not being able to afford a chiropractor
Current mood: Calm and content

Fives...

I will give credit where credit is due..my friend Becky had this on her blog, and I liked the idea. So here's mine! (Thanks Becky...great one!)

What I was doing 5 years ago: Wow, 2000...Well, I was working at a software company that got bought out by Microsoft, and then went to work at a benefits company in another suburb of Minneapolis. I met my birth mother and sister and niece, and then a bunch of other blood relatives. My dad got married to my stepmom (this was the year after my mom died). I moved from Inver Grove Heights to Plymouth.

5 things I did yesterday (Monday) :
1. Worked at the antique shop
2. Helped rearrange the store after a shipment of "new" furniture arrived
3. Studied for my weekly Greek quiz
4. Went to Greek class and took the quiz (which I did really well on!)
5. Greeted my new roomie Amanda as she moved some stuff in

5 songs I know all the words to:
1. Jesus Loves Me
2. The Dance
3. Here is Our King (the new Crowder song - it's awesome! It was especially awesome hearing him lead it.)
4. Amazing Grace
5. It Is Well With My Soul

5 things I would do with 100 million dollars:
1. Pay off all of my debt
2. Buy a house in San Francisco with a view of the Bay
3. Help a couple ministries that are close to my heart
4. Pay off my brother's house (the one I grew up in)
5. Save what's left and continue to do ministry

5 places I would go:
1. Australia
2. Italy (my favorite place!!!)
3. Costa Rica
4. Hawaii
5. Alaska

5 things I would never wear:
(this one was hard - I stuck with most of Becky's because I agree!)
1. Anything with sequins
2. Leather Pants
3. Tube Top
4. A mini skirt
5. String bikini

5 favorite tv shows:
(these are my faves, but I don't watch tv at all right now)
1. Survivor
2. 7th Heaven
3. Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
4. Friends (reruns now...sad)
5. The Amazing Race

5 great joys:
1. A sunset over the Pacific
2. My nephews
3. Chai tea
4. Reading a book anywhere outdoors (it happens a lot more since I moved to California!)
5. Talking to my dad

5 favorite toys:
1. Tonka truck
2. Cabbage Patch Kids
3. My Little Pony
4. Little People (I had SO many of them!!!)
5. A bike - I rode a lot of miles every day in the summer when I was young

5 current reads:
1. God as Trinity
2. The Bible
3. Basics of Biblical Greek
4. Captivating
5. Youth Ministry on Your Knees

5 things I want to be:
1. (someday) A supporting wife to the love of my life, he's still out there somewhere
2. A great mom
3. A Christian so in love with Jesus that the love overflows to all around
4. A sold-out servant of my Lord forever, in whatever capacity He calls me to
5. Someone who made a difference in people's lives

God's amazing love...

You know, sometimes God just touches us when we least expected it. Ok, that’s too soft of a word. Sometimes He blindsides us with something we thought we’d long ago let go of and dealt with. That happened to me today, in a big way.

This is a little more transparent than I sometimes can be when I write knowing others will read it. I usually save this stuff for my journal. However, I forgot to bring my journal and decided this is worth sharing. I love the ways God finds us and meets us in ways we could never expect.

I am at the Youth Specialties National Youth Worker Convention in Sacramento. It’s been a phenomenal two days, and I’m not even halfway through the convention yet. I spent all day yesterday and all morning today (16 hours total) in an Intro to Youth Ministries class here at the convention through Fuller Seminary. I could have taken it for credit (I started in the Masters of Divinity Program at Fuller this quarter). But I’m already taking Greek and Systematic Theology 1. So, I’m auditing the class instead. It’s awesome, but I’ll save that for another time.

Basically, my brain was on overload after that. So today, after the first general session and an awesome time of worship led by Chris Tomlin, I decided not to attend a seminar and spent some time with my Lord.

They have this thing here called the Labyrinth. Most of you know what a labyrinth looks like - kind of like a maze. This one is life-size, and they set it up with prayer stations throughout. When you walk in they hand you an MP3 player with a soundtrack to lead you through the labyrinth.

Now, I wasn’t a huge fan of the music on the soundtrack, or the soothing voice walking me through the stations. But God definitely met me there. I was at a station, sitting on the floor in front of a mirror. The topic at that particular station was self, and it was about seeing yourself as God sees you. It was so amazing. I had a really hard time with that task. The soundtrack talked about how God loves me, sees me as beautiful, etc. What I didn’t realize was how much I’ve been struggling with how I look lately. It said to stare at yourself in the mirror until you saw yourself as God sees you. I don’t think I really reached that point, but God still spoke to me there in making me aware of my weakness.

I moved on, and there was the station called "Holy Place". There were pillows all around, and bread and wine (or juice, to appease all denominations) so you could commune with God. There were also Bibles, so I picked one up. I opened it to 1 Corinthians 13. Yup, the love chapter.
I savored every word, letting God speak through them. The phrase that God really spoke through was "Love never fails". It’s in verse 4. I thought about that, pondered it, and God said, "That is true. Love never fails. My love for you never fails. Neither will your love for others ever fail. Love is the way to reach people. Love them. Love your friends in new ways. Love your students like you haven’t yet. Love yourself, too." I’m glad I skipped the breakout session.

That’s what I needed today.

I reflected on what God had revealed to me, and realized that although I had once beat the self-esteem issue with my appearance, I happen to have moved to a very superficial and appearance-driven town. Danville is full of upper class people, mostly tan and thin, with perfectly highlighted and styled hair and all the latest clothes. I can’t compete with that, nor do I really want to. Yet it soaked in and I started to think less of myself.

Back to today’s story. Because God loves us He often tells us the same message in multiple ways to make sure we hear Him. I went to a dinner for women in youth ministry. As a gift for coming to the dinner, we were each given a brand new "True Identity" TNIV Bible. And there was this little description on the front of the Bible’s packaging that said, "The Bible that helps you see yourself as God sees you".

I guess God wanted to make sure I was hearing Him loud and clear. I told this story to Lisa, one of our jr high volunteers who’s with us at the convention. Then we headed into General Session #2. At the beginning, a singer named Kendall Payne got up to share her talent with us. Her second song she introduced with a story about her and a friend who had been struggling with her appearance and not feeling up to "supermodel" caliber. Huh. There it was again. And she proceeded to sing a song of hers called "Supermodel" in which she talks about being tired of being compared to supermodels. I looked at Lisa, and we exchanged a knowing smile.

Yeah, and it still didn’t end there. If you go back in my posts to February of this year, you’ll find one titled "The healing that could only come from God". In there I talk about an amazing experience at the Grace Women’s Prayer Summit, where God healed me of something I didn’t know I’d been carrying around and could let go of. The old hymn "It Is Well With My Soul" became a favorite that weekend because I could sing it and really mean it now. And that Sunday at Fresh Encounter, a slide show was played of pictures from the Summit, and the song they put it to was Chris Tomlin’s "How Great Is Our God". Those two songs always remind me of that weekend and God’s healing power in my life.

Chris Tomlin tonight during worship at the very end of the session started singing "It Is Well With My Soul". And he transitioned right from it into "How Great Is Our God". Yes, he really did do both those songs like that. What a gift from God. God is so amazing to me. He loves me so much, and He showed me today in all those ways. Wow. That’s the best I can do to describe my amazement. I'm totally speechless at God's amazing love.

In a sentimental mood...

Here I am in northern California, where it's beautiful, sunny, and you can never run out of things to do within a 2 hour driving distance of here. Yet, somehow, I find myself currently longing for more.

I settled in pretty quickly, and now have my weekly routine down. Work at the church on Sundays, Tuesdays, and after 2 pm on Wednesdays. Work at Sweet Magnolia on Mondays, Wednesdays until 2, and Thursday through Saturday (at least while the owner is on maternity leave).

So basically I have evenings free. It would sure be nice to have friends to spend some of that time with, however. I love all the people I work with at CPC, but all except for one are in their early 20s and in a growth period I'd just as soon forget. They love going out dancing and things that just don't excite me anymore. I long for my friends back in Minnesota who loved to host dinner parties, have game nights, and just hang out over a cup of coffee or a walk around a lake.

Right now I would love to have a friend to talk to about what's going on in my life - someone just to reminisce with, pray with, and who doesn't need my life story to understand why God has me where I am and where I'm headed. It would be wonderful to pull up an outside table at Starbucks to talk for a couple hours.

Instead, I will head to the house I'm housesitting at to spend the evening alone, maybe talking to the cat. Or maybe I'll go sit at Starbucks and read a book, or head to the mall to wander a bit, or go for a walk up San Damiano for a wonderful view of the valley. And while all those are great options, and will entertain me for the evening, I really want a hug and a shoulder to cry on.

In due time, I guess, I will form deeper friendships here, too. And for now, I'll continue on in the fight, knowing that I am doing what God wants me to be doing right now and ultimately that's the only thing that matters anyway. But I can't help longing for a hug and a good friend to have a cup of coffee with when I'm having a difficult day.

So I pray for God to keep lifting my head, to keep my focus on the prize, and not get discouraged. For He is with me even when I am lonely, holds me when I cry, and rejoices when I smile as I remember how much He loves me.

Life these days...

Yes, it has been a while since I posted anything out here. I've been settling into my life in Danville, CA, and haven't made time for it. But I want to throw some things out here for those who do check this regularly.

God has truly blessed my move to California. But even in my obedience and trust in Him, the enemy always has to try to get me. I have faced multiple problems with my car including a $600 repair job, had to learn how to deal with the heat instead of always relying on air conditioning, and my laptop was stolen from the church. Plus, there are more spiders here than I've seen anywhere else in my life, and those who know me know how much I detest them!

Even though I meet people easily and can get along with almost anyone, I really miss the comfort of old friends who know me well. I miss the numerous daily hugs I'd get from friends and other co-laborers for the Kingdom at Grace. I miss being able to meet a friend for coffee to chat when I've had a bad day. I miss not having to tell the big pieces of my history just so people will understand where I come from and what my perspective on life and its brevity is. I miss having lunch at the cafe at Grace with the staff. I miss the campfire mocha at Caribou Coffee. And most of all, I miss Fresh Encounter at Grace and being able to fuel up for the battles of ministry be seeking God alongside others in corporate, worship-based prayer.

Yet there are so many good things here in Danville, too: people honk at me almost daily as I'm walking to work because they recognize me, it's always sunny, the ocean is a short drive away, the landscape is breathtaking, I don't have to commute at all, I have four great and fabulously entertaining roommates, I have an awesome small group of 7th grade girls who are so cute I could cry, I know almost all my neighbors because most of them work at or at least attend CPC<>

Life is about change. And when you're truly submitted to God's working in your life and willing to do whatever He would lead you to, you're bound to move and change even more. I am so glad that no matter what is going on, what church I attend, where I live, or who I spend time with, God is in control of my life and I can always count on Him. He knows when I'll sleep and when I'll wake, who I'll meet tomorrow for the first time, what I'll eat, and ultimately where my life is going. And I trust Him.

My life verse says it all:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

Amen.

He's always been faithful

It is highly likely that I will write many times here about a song that touches my heart. As I’m winding down this evening, I’m listening to a song by Sara Groves called “He’s Always Been Faithful”. It’s a wonderful song, and is similar to “Great Is Thy Faithfulness,” with some bits of that great old hymn actually sprinkled in. First, the lyrics:

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me…

Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God’s hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me

I can’t remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can’t remember one single regret
In serving God only and trusting his hand
All I have need of His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me

(“Great is Thy Faithfulness” piano/cello interlude)

This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I’ve heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful….
He’s always been faithful to me

I am finding more and more often lately that God’s work in the world and my life brings me to tears. God is holding my hand, all the time. How cool is that? The God of the universe, who created everything I see, holds my hand and walks beside me every day. That image brings tears to my eyes even now. Mostly because I could not imagine having gone through all I have without Him beside me, and I can now longer imagine what it would be like not to have Him there, either.

God’s ways are truly perfect. He knows everything about my life, beginning to end. My favorite analogy for this is that my life is a parade. I can only see one part of it at a time, but He sees the whole parade. He knows where it started, He knows where it’s going, and He knows when it ends. Plus, He’s in control of it. That alone gives me an immense amount of comfort.

I really can’t think of one trial or pain in my entire life, even prior to knowing God, that isn’t now being used for my good. I lost my mom and birth mother to cancer, and God has used that multiple times to minister to others who have lost loved ones or who need to see someone who’s made it through such a trial. I was laid off three times in two years, yet I can testify to exactly how God was working through each one of them specifically to get me to where I am now. I’ve moved 18 times since high school (that’s been ten years!), and I can see God’s hand in each and every move and the reasons He needed me to be where I was each and every time.

I have no regrets, and never will, if I live all of my life for God alone, trusting that His hand is always in mine and providing all I need. I don’t regret and choices that brought me pain, because they’ve helped me grow, too. I have no regrets for any of the sacrifices I’ve had to make in friendships, money, or possessions to serve God to my fullest ability. And I have no regrets in the decisions I’ve made that have taken me far from family and friends to be able to serve my Lord and follow His calling. I want to give my all to Him and tell of His great love because of all He sacrificed for me and all He brought me through to get me here.

God will always provide all I need. He’s been faithful before, and will be again. When I needed a home (three times) He provided loving friends to take me in. When I’ve needed food to eat it’s always been there. When I’ve needed money just to stay above water, He’s provided it in miraculous ways. And He always will provide what I need. I have no doubts about that, and no fear. He is the God of the universe, but He’s also my Father and my Provider and Friend.

I made it!

I now live in Danville, California. California! That is a place I go on vacation, not a place I live! It still blows me away that God would bring me here.

At the present moment, I’m sitting at one of the two Starbucks in town, reflecting and typing a final paper for Crown. I originally thought I’d get a part-time job at one of the two, since I’ve worked at Starbucks before and love it. Instead, I had a great part-time job come my way, at a local antique shop called Sweet Magnolia. I’m their first hired employee, as the owner is about to have her first baby and needs some extra help. It will be a great laid-back job to match my much more laid-back life.

And when I say laid-back for those of you who know me well, I’m not kidding! I’ve done something outside every day because the weather is so beautiful, and today I drove my car for the first time in four days. My house is literally in the backyard of the church, so I don’t need to drive to work. It’s so great.

Plus, I’m not working full-time right now, either. I have time to chill, cook my meals, and read. So far I’ve read an entire book for leisure. It’s a great thing. It’s blessing upon blessing, as I was going at an almost impossible pace before I moved here. I feel like God has rewarded me for the last three and a half difficult and busy years.

I also now see with my own eyes why people say the San Francisco Bay area is one of the most desirable places to live. The weather is gorgeous, and in 10 days I only saw clouds on one day. The sun is always shining. Plus, within two hours of here there are so many wonderful things: Yosemite National Park, the Golden Gate Bridge, Fisherman’s Wharf, Chinatown, and all the other wonderful things in downtown SF, Santa Cruz with it’s beaches, Lake Tahoe, Napa Valley, Sacramento, and a hundred other amazing things. It would be really hard to get bored here.

As I have new adventures, I will try to write about them. For now, I’m going to sign off with a prayer:

My loving Father in heaven, thank You so much for all You have blessed me with. Thank You for bringing me safely to CA and giving Kristin and me a safe and fun drive out here. Thank You for the awesome new friends I have made already—what an answer to the prayers of many people back in Minnesota. Thank You for Deana—for her warm welcome, for how she includes me in the things going on so I can make new friends, for her helping me to jump into my new role with both feet and for her leadership in the ministry. Thank You for my new small group of 7th grade girls and their precious hearts, especially for Haley and Stephanie and all they mean to me after two short weeks. I love You Lord, for all You are and for all You do. You are amazing to me, and too marvelous for words. I am Your servant, now and forever, to do Your bidding. Continue to guide me and grant me wisdom to make the choices You would will for me. In the precious name of Your son, Jesus, I pray. Amen.

Me at Starbucks

A New Journey Begins

What a ride my life has been the last three years. God amazes me at every turn, and it is so evident that His hand is guiding me toward something that I can’t yet see. By faith I’m taking the next step and accepting this internship in California. I can’t say I ever thought I’d move to California. But I feel God drawing me there for something. And I know it’s for more than what I can see right now.

This feeling started at the end of the Women’s Prayer Summit in February. Lori talked to me about volunteering at the Imagine Conference coming up at Arcade in March. I thought that sounded like a great idea, yet even then I had a feeling there would be more to it than just volunteering at the conference.

For almost a month I debated whether or not to spend the money to go. The first week in March, I watched the airfares go up hour by hour. Finally, the prices had gone up $250 from when I started looking, and I prayed that if God wanted me to go, He would open the door time-wise and money-wise. He did, as Nyke said it was fine for me to go, and I found out I would get my income tax refund just in time to cover the ticket.

But before I could buy my ticket, there was one more thing Nyke wanted to tell me. My job would be cut at the end of May. So it appeared I had my answer for what else God needed me to do while in California – look for a job. So in the two weeks between buying my ticket and flying there, I set up two job interviews, with a possibility of at least one more.

I ended up with three interviews, and one in particular that went very well. It was at a church in Danville, CA, for an internship in youth ministry. I somehow just felt completely at home there. It was hard to explain. I just knew after that day that I would be moving to CA, though I wasn’t sure for which job right away.

I waited almost two months for an answer. And I got it, on May 6th. And though I was worried about pay, it turns out my pay will be exactly what I need to pay my bills. And I leave in less than two weeks!!! It’s crazy to think by the end of the month I will be living in California.
God is so good. I’m not sure all that He has in store for me out there, but I know that it goes beyond this internship and its responsibilities. I have not yet discovered His bigger purpose for my life, but by being obedient, I’m coming closer to finding out. He is, after all, my Provider and Guide.

God is...

This is something I wrote as a part of a study I’m working through. It’s my senior pastor’s book, “The 7 Most Important Questions You’ll Ever Answer,” and it’s been a phenomenal tool for my walk with the Lord. I read this list during my devotional time every day to keep me grounded in all that God is. If you’d like to check out the book, or possibly even order one for yourself, it’s under the “Personal Renewal” section of www.strategicrenewal.com.

These are statements about God, literally my theology. It is not exhaustive, as I could go on for many pages. But it lists the attributes of God that are most important to me and that have touched my life many times over.

God is Loving, unconditionally. He loves me so deeply that He sacrificed His one and only son for me. His love for me can never decrease or increase, and I can do nothing to change it.

God is Ever-Present – He is by my side, holding my hand, through everything in my life. I am never alone, and I cannot hide from Him.

God is Faithful – He never breaks a promise and I can fully trust and rely on Him.

God is Sovereign – He is in control of the entire universe. Even when my life seems out of control, I know it isn’t, because God is in the driver’s seat.

God is my Provider. He gives me all I need and will provide even in times of trouble, so that I have no fear of what may come.

God is my Protector who will guard me from the darts of the enemy in all of life’s battles.

God is All-Knowing – He sees my entire past, present, and future at once and directs my path. Even when I cannot see the end result of the road I’m on, God knows and has a plan for me.

God is my Friend, a friend who will never forsake me.

God is Just – when I am wronged by someone, I know that person will receive what he deserves in God’s time. Sometimes, though God’s justice is perfect, it may not always seem completely fair to me.

God grants never-ending Grace, a grace that by faith in Jesus Christ saves me from an eternity separated from Him.

God is my Peace through the storms of my life, the steady rock that keeps my feet firmly planted.

God is my Creator, who created me in His image. Everything was made by Him, yet He chose me to be His daughter.

God is Jesus Christ, my Savior and Lord who died for me and redeemed me from the punishment for my sin.

God is the Holy Spirit who lives within my heart, comforting me and guiding me to all truth.

Me and my dad at my graduation on May 7, 2005. 

Peace, Sweet Peace

On Sunday night, I was doing my homework for my Interpreting Romans class. It had been a busy weekend for me with moving, helping with a junior high event, and going to my roommate's wedding. Yet, I had this amazing sense of peace. I heard the opening line of "It Is Well With My Soul" and a poem started forming in my mind. So here is what I wrote:

Peace Like a River

I am amazed at the peace that lies within
Though life is full of challenges and trials.
Just when I expect the anxiety to set in
God shows up to guide me across the miles.

I struggle and worry for no reason at all
About jobs, family, money and friends.
Yet God takes care of big and small
And His love for me knows no end.

This love that I cannot even imagine
That cost Him His one and only son
Saved me from the penalty of my sin
And now the battle is clearly won.

What is it about sin that always seems
To bring things like sadness and worry?
And only causes me to deem
Myself utterly, completely unworthy?

For even though Satan knocks on my door
And tries to bring to me lies
I am not the person I was before
And I no longer am fooled by his disguise.

My heart is now ruled by Jesus, my Lord.
He redeemed me and set me free.
It humbles me so to think that He bore
It all and I say “Why me?”

His answer, it comes, so sweet to my ear
“My daughter, because you are mine.
I love you and want you just to draw near
So I can also be thine.”

The bliss of that thought makes me smile and say
That “I love you too, dearest Jesus.
I never again want to be far away
Or there ever to be space between us.”

This love will always bring hope and strength
For whatever life leads me through.
For God will go to any great length
To help guide me in what I should do.

When trials, as now, come running my way
It would be easy just to give in.
But that peace like a river bids me to say
“Thank you Lord for being my friend.”

I am awaiting the news of a possible job in California, and my job at Grace ends on May 31. Some days in the last months the peace has been hard to find. I am at peace now with what God is doing and what He is going to do.

I attended Grace's All-Church Prayer Summit two weeks ago, and it was another amazing weekend of seeking God's face. He really gave me peace about the unknowns that are ahead. I give all the glory to Him for what He has done in me, and I am excited for what is to come.

The Choices I Make

I often find myself having to explain the choices I make. I’m not talking about defending bad choices, either. I’m talking about having to explain my reasons for making good, clean choices in my everyday life. Why, do you ask, would that be something I have to do? The answer is because I find many people in my life don’t understand why my everyday choices now are so different from what they used to be or from the choices the average American would make.

Since I gave my life to the Lord just over three years ago, my decision-making process has changed. I have to admit, at times my old life looks a lot more fun, at least on earth. But those tempting “fun” things will only gain temporary satisfaction. I know what it’s like to be completely satisfied in Jesus Christ. If you compared me to the average 20-something, even my decisions before I was born again wouldn’t seem that bad in the comparison. However, I definitely did not make godly choices back then.

Now, I want every choice I make to be godly. Some would say this means that as a Christian I’m required to follow a specific set of rules and guidelines to ensure my way to heaven someday. That’s not the case. My place in heaven is secured, and God has assured me that He will love me no matter what my choices are. I am living a new life with the freedom I've found in Christ, and through the Holy Spirit now living in me I can make choices that honor God. Colossians 3:5-8 says, "Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips." This passage is one of many that gives clear direction for how those living for the Lord should conduct their lives.

God does forgive and grant grace for sins committed. That may prompt you to ask, “What difference does it make then if you choose what any average person would, even if it’s not the most godly choice? God will just forgive you anyway!” That’s the wrong approach, and commonly called “cheap grace”. Romans 6:1-2 says, "What shall we say then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?" For as Romans 12:1-2 says, "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will."

As a Christian, when I sin I strive not only to confess it, I repent of it, too. Repentance goes one step farther than confession—it means that I choose to turn away from the sin and never do it again. Does that guarantee that I will never commit that sin again? No. But God looks at the heart. He knows my intentions. If my intentions are to make a godly choice, and I fall into sin, He knows. If I say I’ve turned away from sin, but think I can secretly hold onto it, God would know that, too. 1 Chronicles 28:9 says, " '...serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts."

So what motivates my decision-making, then? One thing alone: I love the Lord with all my heart. If you truly love someone, do you desire to do things that would hurt him or her? Of course not. It is the same in my relationship with the Lord. He paid such a high price for my sins already that I cannot imagine doing things that would cause Him pain. Unfortunately, I’m human and will still sin. But the pain I feel for hurting Jesus through my sin is what brings me to repentance.

I would like to share some examples that would illustrate this. When I go to the theater, I choose not to see movies that are full of bad language, sexual scenes and language, or intense sinful violence. One, Jesus himself would not choose those movies. Two, there is absolutely no reason to fill my head with that kind of negative input, when there are so many better ways to spend my time. This approach goes into other media forms for me, too. I avoid TV shows like “Desperate Housewives,” which is heaped in immorality, or “The Bachelor” and shows like it that make light of marriage and choosing a mate. I also choose not to listen to certain types of music or radio stations whose DJs promote things like excessive drinking and premarital sex on the air.

Another example is that I’ve chosen to save myself for my future husband. And I’m not just talking about sex here. It goes beyond that. I don’t push the limit to see how far it can go without crossing a particular line. That’s also the wrong approach – I’d just be begging for temptation then. Has this taken practice? Yes! Have I made mistakes? Yes! It’s hard to change your thought process about the physical side of relationships when you’re already in your twenties and have crossed lines before you became a Christian that you wish now that you hadn’t. But God has forgiven me completely for the past, and I choose to live my future differently.

Yes, making choices like these takes thought and more work and planning than the bad choices. It’s a lot easier these days to be exposed to negative input than it is not to. It takes work and preparation sometimes to avoid it. I research movies before I go to them, for example. But all that work pays off when I know that Jesus is looking down at me and smiling, delighted with my choices and that I would put Him first in my life. And that is the goal toward which I strive every day.

The healing that could only come from God

I’ve been working on a research paper for my Counseling for the Ministry class, the topic being Losing a Parent. I chose this topic because of its relevance to my life. I even picked up a book I’d bought right after my mom died in 1999, but had never had the courage to read, called Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman. God has been strongly at work in my heart in recent weeks. In fact, if it wasn’t for my knowing how much He wanted me to go through with writing this paper, I would have given up and chosen another topic. I almost did, more than once. It sure would have been easier.

It’s been painful for me. But God has wanted to heal me, for a very long time. His timing with this class where I had to read Healing for Damaged Emotions and Telling Yourself the Truth, the prayer summit I just attended, and this paper all happening at once is not a coincidence. It was perfectly planned by God.

I don’t think I ever really healed from losing my mom to a rare cancer five years ago. Instead, a fear set in, stemming from that loss, plus losing my birth mother to breast cancer two years later, and my dad remarrying just a year after my mom died. It was a fear of abandonment and being left alone. Recently, it’s taken on the face of never having a husband. Same fear, new perspective. And it has been hurting me and those around me in ways I couldn’t have imagined. It bled into every area of my life. The enemy sure was having fun tripping me up.

I honestly thought that this fear (before I realized it really was a sin keeping me from God) was just a part of me—something that would always affect my life and the decisions I made. I figured if I got into some counseling for a while that maybe I’d be able to deal with it better. What I didn’t know is that not only was it sin, but I could be FREE from it!!!

I went to the women’s prayer summit with Grace this past weekend. All we did was worship and pray for three days, seeking God’s face and direction. Friday morning we were informed we had a code of silence for an hour, to spend talking to God about whatever He needed us to deal with. He showed me a lot in that hour, including reiterating this fear of being alone I had recently identified.

Friday afternoon we split into three smaller groups. We were then given the opportunity to lay any sin or burdens at Jesus’ feet. There was a symbolic chair placed in the center of the circle, where Jesus was seated. I felt instantly like there was something I needed to say. I heard God whispering over and over, “Say it, My daughter, just let it go.” I started to talk at one point, but hesitated and someone else jumped in thinking I was finished. I was crying pretty hard and could hardly talk, and didn’t get another chance to speak up.

Afterward, Lori, the facilitator in our group, sought me out. She must have sensed that there was something more I wasn’t saying. In a time of prayer with her, I completely let go of the fear. I’m not even sure how I confessed it and what I said, but at that exact moment I realized how much I was hurting God by not trusting Him completely. After praying with Lori, I physically felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and I’ve been told many times since then that I’m glowing (even today, a week later).

Lori also had prayed for me to truly feel the love of God in a big way the rest of the weekend, and I did, in ways I’ve never felt it before. I had a dear sister in the Lord wash my feet, as a humble demonstration of being a servant. And she’s on ministry staff—I’m an assistant. There has been quite a separation on our staff between ministry staff and assistants (though not between her and me). I don’t think she even knows how much that meant to me, and how much of God’s love was shown through her at that moment.

I also had many other women support me, pray with and for me, and share in my pain but also share in my joy. I even had a relationship with another woman restored, a relationship that I had a hunch wasn’t right but had no idea why. It turns out I had hurt her deeply, unknowingly and unintentionally, a couple years back, and she’s been carrying the hurt all this time. We talked it out, forgave each other, then celebrated, again, the newfound joy and victory in Christ.

After all that, I was determined to get through studying for and writing this paper on losing a parent. It’s another piece of the victory that God knew I needed right now in my life. I’m SO excited to see what He is going to do with me next, now that I’m truly free and more joyful than I’ve ever been in my life. It’s been hard to write it though—it’s surfaced a lot of things I didn’t know I felt, and helped me deal with things I didn’t understand why I was feeling.

As an ending, here’s a description of my favorite moment from the prayer summit: We shared a candlelit communion Friday evening, after dinner and our small group time. The communion table was set up in the center of the room, draped in white, with a cross in the center. We all placed black rocks we’d been given when we arrived, symbolizing the sins or burdens we were releasing, at the foot of the cross and exchanged them for white ones. After all had communed, we joined in a tight group around the table and sang “It is Well With My Soul,” in full harmony. It is the first time I have EVER sung that song and been able to say I truly meant every word.

I am so blessed to be loved by a God that can free me from the bonds that had kept me so sad and burdened. He loves me so much that He let His only son die, so that I can live. Is there any kind of love more amazing than that? Not this side of heaven! My joy has not subsided, and I wake up singing every morning.

Thank You, Lord, for the good things You have done in my life. Thank You for showing me Your love in such a tangible way, and for freeing me. I love You with all my heart, and I can’t wait to see You face to face one day.

The single life

Okay, I am writing this one out of frustration. Well, some of it is frustration, some is discontentment I guess, and some is just an incomprehension of why society has to be so hard on single people.

I live with three awesome roommates, all of whom are now engaged and planning weddings that are only a few months away. Not only that, but there are three newlywed couples, and many dating couples in my group of friends. Only a couple of us in the large group of people we call our friends are single. And it seems we’re the ones never invited to anything.

For a while, I thought it was just me — jealous that the others were in relationships and I was single. But I started noting all the weekends, pretty much every weekend really, that I had nothing to do and all the couples were hanging out with other couples. It’s not just me. It’s a real thing.

However, my feelings about that, though real, are not the right ones to have. I get upset, at times feel lonely, left out, and rejected. Is that how God wants me to be? No!!! He desires for me to find joy, even in the difficult situations in life.

Am I discontent? To some degree, yes. No wonder I fill up all my free time with work, volunteering at church, and picking up odd jobs. In fact, someone else that works at Grace recently asked me if I’d be around this weekend. When I said no, he said he was surprised because it’s not unusual to see me volunteering for something on the weekend. Is that bad? No. But do I wish and hope for more? Well, yes. I definitely want to be married eventually and have a family of my own. And I’m sure not where I thought I would be at 27.

And what do my friends say when I bring up feeling left out? They deny that they do it, and when I proceed to give specific examples, they make excuses. Yet tonight, again, is for couples only. God wants me to be content being single. But it’s difficult to be content and happy when people around me exclude me because I don’t have a significant other, or because they think I’ll hate being the 3rd, 5th, or 7th wheel, or when society labels me as not yet complete if I don’t have a husband, or when my family constantly asks if I’m dating or when I’ll finally “settle down.”

This is a constant, day by day, difficult battle. God grants me more grace than I could ever hope to deserve though. And that is what keeps me going.

I’m finishing school in a couple weeks. For the second time around. And my schedule will be much more open. I’m praying against the lies of the enemy that will say that I’m not wanted and lonely in the times that I will no longer be filling with homework. I’m a bit scared about that, so I’m praying in advance for new ways to manage the new, large amounts of free time.

And in the meantime, I hope some of my friends figure out how much they’re hurting the few that are single, get over the novelty of the “couples’ culture,” and start inviting us to do things, too.

As for me, I choose to let God write my story. I haven't had much time for dating until now anyway, and I know He has so much bigger plans for me than feeling rejected. That's not the truth anyway--I'm as wanted and loved as anyone could possibly ever be by the God of the universe, who for some incomprehensible reason wants to spend endless amounts of time with me. How amazing is that? And the grace just keeps on flowing, getting me through the menial frustrations of life on earth...

The best is yet to come

I am currently sitting at Dunn Bros Coffee, my new favorite place to spend an afternoon. Not only do they have good coffee, but a free wireless internet connection as well. So I'm surfing, researching, and downloading a few new songs to iTunes. It's Sunday, and I'm in between services at my church. Instead of listening to the house music, I plugged in my earphones and pulled up my Favorites playlist.

It's been a difficult few weeks. I'm winding down with school, the church is in a huge budget crisis, and we are going to be short even more team members in Student Ministries than we expected this year. Plus, we're facing staff cuts and possible layoffs that will be announced this week. It was two years ago, January 13, 2002, that I was laid off from a different position at the church. It was a rough time for me, teaching me to fully rely on God and trust Him for things I'd never wanted for before, like food on the table and a place to stay. This time now is reminding me of that, as some will probably be facing the same situation. Maybe even me again.

These are times when I look to God for wisdom, guidance, and just enough grace to face the day at hand. As I'm sitting here this afternoon, an appropriate song has come up on my playlist. It's called "The Best is Yet to Come" by Scott Krippayne, and it means a lot to me. Here are the lyrics:

The race is long, sometimes I stumble. He helps me up each time I fall. When I lose hope, He gives me courage, so I press on and give my all. And I know I'll never have to run alone. And I can hardly wait to make it home. The best is yet to come. The promise of heaven awaits. I'll finally see my Lord and Savior face to face. For He has set me free for all eternity. When my life on earth is done, the best is yet to come. In every joy, in every trial, I need to keep my eyes on Him.
He is the Way, my soul Provider, no matter how the road may bend. When earthly treasures cloud my point of view, He reminds me that I'm only passing through.

I'm on this earth for but a brief moment. And my purpose is singular: to bring God glory. That is why He created me. What does that look like? Well, it is a lot of things. To me, it means praising Him in the good times and the bad, worshipping Him through songs even when I don't feel like singing, doing the work He has set before me, and thanking Him for everything, even the difficult things in life.

I press on in the race, even though it seems long, tiring, and neverending. Every time I stumble or fall, Jesus picks me up, sets me back on the track, and lets me continue the race. He doesn't disqualify me if I break a rule, though He expects me to acknowledge that I did it and turn around to go the right way again. And He stays right along side me the entire way--I am never, ever, alone. When my courage is waning and I feel I have no strength, He gives me the grace I need for the moment and for everything I face, providing all I need to go on.

Why do I keep running the race? Why do I continue to press on at times when the course is only uphill, my enemies are chasing me, and it seems I'll never make it? Because that is what my Lord deserves from me. And because I know that once my life on earth is over, heaven is waiting and it's even better than anything on earth could ever be--truly, the best is yet to come.

A brand new year...

I cannot believe it's 2005! I feel like 2004 flew by and left me in the dust. I have to admit, though, it was by far the busiest year I've ever had. And it definitely got away from me.

2005 is a year of new beginnings, and I know God has many challenges in store for me this year. I do not do resolutions. I think it just sets me up for failure. Too many people follow the examples of others and make grand resolutions that if they really thought about they'd know they're never going to keep. So I do not do them--at least not in the traditional sense.

Instead, I made a covenant with my Father in heaven to spend more time than in the past getting to know Him. So I bought myself a Two-Year Bible in the New Living Translation (a beautiful translation in modern English). It lays out the entire Bible in daily reading segments that take about 7 minutes a day to read. Each one includes an Old Testament passage (starting with Genesis), a New Testament passage (starting with Matthew), a passage from Psalms, and a passage from Proverbs. It's a great way to read through the Bible in manageable segments. For right now, it's the best way for me to hear from God on a daily basis as I eat my breakfast every morning.

I'm also finishing school this spring, the second time around with college. I got a 4-year business degree the first time, and didn't like the corporate atmosphere. I ended up working at a church, and decided to go back to school for a bachelor's degree in Christian Ministry to give me a solid Bible foundation. I love it, and am sad it's ending. I've been going through each class with the same 10 people for two years, and I'm sad our weekly time together is ending. It's been wonderful seeing everyone grow in their faith and see where God's directing them. I'm excited to see where He's directing me.

The major call I've had from God for 2005 is to simplify my life. I'm too busy, and my body is physically paying the price right now. I'm slowly cutting things out of my schedule, some of which are hard to let go of. Like my two young piano students, who last night I told I'd only be teaching through the end of January. I spend an hour and a half in rush hour traffic to teach for an hour, and it's a stress I can cut out. But I love those two kids, and wish I could continue teaching them.

I'm also looking forward to what God has in store for my personal life this year, in romantic relationship(s), friendships, and roommates, plus my 10-year high school reunion and many weddings and babies. It will definitely be a year of changes. But I live for change and thrive on it.

God has been so unbelievably faithful to me in the past, and I know He will continue to be forever. What a privilege it is to serve Him in my job and be able to call Him my Provider and Friend.